I have no idea what's going on....

Lilliblue · ‎30-12-2017

I've been struggling with depression and anxiety since I was 15 years old, probably earlier. I spent many years self medicating with booze, drugs and sex. In the last year I've finally gotten myself medicated, it's helped a lot and evened me out quite a bit, however my anxiety is still there and my doctor is very hesitant to give me anti anxiety drugs because they can be very addictive and because I've had many struggles with addiction. Which leads me to what's been going on over the last couple of days....

I met someone after quite a long period of being single, 4 years in fact. He's a little younger than me, 5 years. We've been together for 4 months. Things have progressed quite quickly. That's probably not healthy in it's self, however, I've found myself smack bang in love. The thing I think I'm struggling with the most, personally, are my abandonment issues (Thanks Mum!). I find it really hard when he's away from me not to worry that he's never coming back. I'm currently in tangles of anxiety because he's been away for a couple of nights. He's kind of stranded where he is and he doesn't own a phone, so he's almost impossible to contact. His family get frustrated with me when I text or call to get hold of him, which creates more bullsh*t for me.

He constantly reassures me that he's coming home. He's been very demonstrative in his love and affection but I just can't shake the feeling I'm going to end up alone again. It's there, it's constant and it's driving me crazy. I don't know how to let it go. I hate feeling this way. I'm a mess. I miss him terribly. Just writing this has put me in tears. I'm sorry if this doesn't make any sense. I think I just need a little reassurance that I'm not crazy.

bindi-QLD · ‎31-12-2017

Hi Lilliblue,

I have some of the same deep triggers that you have surrounding loss and abandonment (also caused by my mother, so sympathy to you!). I first sought help when I was 19, and tried to address it on and off for the next 25 years....psychologists, psychiatrists, meds... the latest school of thought seems to be that the feelings are `imprinted' so unlikely to go away. I think they do naturally fade a little with age and experience though.

In my 20's and early 30's, I came to use my head a lot more than is usual when it comes to love, because I think my gut instincts are screwed. Its saved my life at times, for example if a new lover turned out to be a batterer or abuser. Gut says stay, head says get away. I trust what my head says, and have gradually tried to educate myself and make decisions logically.

Regarding your young man, is he away a lot, or is this separation unusual? If he's gone a lot, and its unlikely to change, I would seriously consider backing off from the relationship if I was in your situation. You don't need to be living in a state of anxiety that you probably can't change, when there are other men who will be highly present for you in a relationship. If he's just gone because of some unusual circumstances, the best you can do is be patient with yourself, and stay positive. As the relationship progresses, you will feel more secure and less anxious when he's away.

My main advice is to accept how you are wired, and look for the closeness you need, don't accept a situation that will leave you permanently in a state of anxiety. Abandonment triggers fade way into the background when you are living in secure relationship with a good partner.