I feel so lonely and in need of affection

[Brokenandbruised]

I'm hoping someone can help me. I'm feeling severely depressed . It's been going on since January this year. I've been thinking of harming myself but I'm even too much of a coward to do that. Everything is going wrong. I feel so lonely and need of affection. I even tried begging my ex- boyfriend to come back to me. When I ended the relationship it seemed right.. He was smothering me. Now because I'm so vulnerable I wish he was again. But I broke his heart, and he's with someone else now. He said he hates me now and can't even be friends because it's all too painful for him. He even changed his mobile number a few days ago so I can't contact him. That hurts so much. And there's another guy who I've never met in person who I've been talking to on and off for 11 years. He's very ill right now and he doesn't want to communicate with anyone right now. I feel strongly for him , but I can't call him. I'm trying to respect his wishes . I feel so empty.  No one understands how bad I feel. My family see me as a burden. I can't think of one person who would miss me if I weren't here anymore. Am I so broken? I feel like my whole life I've suffered, I can't take it anymore. Why is it that other people can find love? I want to believe there's someone for me, but I've just about given up. When someone who adored me for 6 years now says he hates me, he even told me to kill myself. Even he with all his problems has found someone. Even my daughter's father is married, when he claimed when I was with him that I was the only woman he had ever loved. But I had to leave him, because it was an abusive relationship. Because my self-esteem is pretty non existent right now, every thing really hurts me emotionally. And I'm not strong enough anymore to take this. I'm sick of being abused by people. I'm sick of everyone taking their problems out on me. I'm sick of being different. Like I don't belong in this world. It's like everyone knows this secret language and I don't. I'm sick of  starting a new relationship and to become emotionally attached, only to be betrayed or discover that it can't work out. Is it too much to ask to find one man who will love me for who I am, and who wants to be with me? It seems it is. I'm 41 now., and I feel like I'm 81.. I'm sorry this post is so depressing, but this is how I feel. I can't turn off my thoughts. I can't sleep because I can't relax. This voice is in my head all the time. And it won't stop. Can someone offer help. I'm seeing a psychologist and on medications but nothing works. I just don't see any hope for the future. I was religious, but even God has deserted me. I feel like I'm nothing. I am empty inside. I just need someone to listen to me. So if anyone wants to talk, please let me know. I'm only hanging  on by a thread. 

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[Brokenandbruised]

Hi Geoff,

thank you so much for  replying to me. I've actually decided not to contact my ex-boyfriend again. I don't deserve to be spoken to like that and I think it's time to move on. I'm interested to know why you wouldn't live with anyone. So if you want to share this, that would be good. I understand what you were saying about how difficult it Is to have a romantic relationship when you have depression. But I don't think it's impossible. Or maybe that's my romantic nature talking. What about if both have depression?  Then they would understand what each other is going through.  I'd also like to know how you've managed to deal with and overcome your depression. Only if you want to share of course. I'm sure that others would like to know too. Have you spoken to Robbie here at all today?  I was very touched by his post about his life. 

I hope you do reply,

Gabby

[Brokenandbruised]

Hi Robbie,

I'm actually waiting for you to come online. I just listened to a beautiful but sad love song. It's fairly old now and I started crying. I've been very teary lately. I hope you're not mad at me or avoiding me because I mentioned chatting elsewhere. I'd much rather keep chatting here than have you disappear on me. So I'm sorry if I said something wrong. 

I really hope you come on here tonight. I'm here waiting for you.

Gabby

[geoff]

dear Gabby, well Gabby I am a very much romantic type chap, embarrassed by saying this, no not at all, so the reason I decided to stay alone, maybe because 'once bitten twice shy'.

The lady I married for 25 odd years was my first ever love with a female, but in those years she left on several occasions taking our sons with her, she never had said sorry to me for incidents that seemed to be her fault, and I'm a pretty go-free type man, whether I disagreed with the decision or not.

So since I have moved into this rented place after being divorced, I have had a lady stay a couple of times, but the hours of which I go to bed and get up early in the morning are unusual, but my medication controls these hours, and now I have grown used to them now, so my social life is nil, but I still see many people during the day, who all say that the hours I live are ridiculous, I do agree, and have tried to change them, but it doesn't work.

How do I deal and handle my depression, well this was never easy and it took me a long time to come to where I am now, but when I was seeing my old psychologist who I had seen for 20 years, she kept asking me about how I was going to deal with problem A which we had talked about so many times, but in the end all I could say was 'I don't know', then why don't you know or what's holding you back, 'because there are too other issues which are linked to problem A, so I have to overcome all these little problems a, b, c. d before I could solve problem A.

So in the end I decided to parcel up problem A as well as all the little triggers a,b,c,d, seal them into a box and then send them all to the 'bermuda triangle', never to be seen again, because I couldn't solve them and to have these problems sitting by my side would only keep me in depression.

It's been about 8 years now so I have learnt to push any thoughts of them aside.

These horrible thoughts were the ones that were a sizeable contribution to me having this illness, but I could never overcome, sort through them and then solve them, because ever if I did solve them it would open the door to other problems, it was only a road that lead to me to the dark black hole.

I did want to sort through them many times, because they always worried me, and even if I thought that I had conquered them then there were other issues which were attached to problem A, so I decided to give up and send them on their way to the bermuda triangle.

Now I have much important issues to help those who are still suffering, as I can relate to most of them, all except for physical abuse, but I still understand that this issue is becoming an enormous problem, so I put myself in their position and feel the devastation it causes these poor people and how they must feel. L Geoff. x

[geoff]

dear Gabby, I had replied to you with a long reason on why I don't want to live with anyone much earlier, so if it doesn't appear then I will do it again. L Geoff. x

[Patrick_Ng]

Hi Brokenandbruised,

Firstly, you are not alone.  I was depressed when I was younger, well during high school years and a few years after.  Even though your situation is different to mine in some ways, but I can somehow relate to your feelings (feeling depressed, lonely, empty..).  I felt isolated at school never had a friend at the time. Always felt different, incompetent and had to try harder than others in everything. Many times I questioned my existence, I needed someone to understand me and be my soul mate so badly. I cried often.  My parents were really worried but felt helpless.  I looked at the world and seeing people enjoying life having good relationships and friends that I never had. 20 years on and I am now happy, not because I have an abundance of friends or married, but I realised the only way to be happy is to be happy with myself, that I am here for a reason whether that be with my siblings or parents or be of help for others. I have come to know myself, that I am good at some things that others aren't, I totally turned my negative thoughts into positives (takes practice),  I connect with my inner self more and feeling positive without the approval of others. When you say your ex-boyfriend hates you, I personally don't think he means it, but rather the way many of us including me would express whilst succumbed to anger...At the time it felt forever i was alive but never really lived.  But I am glad that chapter is over.   I hope you feel better , just give life a chance.. allow time to give you other opportunities, you are precious, it takes time to see that. 

[Mares73]

Dear Gabby I've just come across your msg. I'm sorry it's taken a few days as I try to respond to as many people as I can but I've been a bit sick so I'm sorry. I could relate to your story & in particular the vulnerability & fragile state you are experiencing. You sound like a "giver" same as me, always trying to please others as we need to be loved & cared for but we build their other person up because we have low self esteem & think we don't deserve them love & devotion that we give freely to others. Sometimes I wonder why most of them friends I've had or people I've known are troubled in various ways & unable to be loving in their way we are. I'm not sure if you agree but I've come to think I attract a particular type of people in my life-ones who are unable to love me their way I love them, ones who have problems such as addictions or general problemcopcing with life. I wonder if its because we are used to being the one who keeps everything going & because we are not used to being loved just for who we are. It's quite amazing that Robbie first time on this site was to reach out to you. You must feel good about that. He sounds like he's been through so much & many of them things he's been through I have too. I don't know if you'll get this msg-are both still on this forum or have you decided to communicate another way? I'd be interested if you could discreetly explain how you are able to do this as I didn't think BB allowed this-maybe it does if both members request it. For now I'll leave you & first remind you that you are a very special, caring & giving person who trusts & helps othwrs. I'm so glad you reached out here. I know it can be soul destroying being alone with your thoughts-especially during their night but there are so many beautiful people on this site who will walk beside you on your journey. You are vulnerable right now & it's these times we grab onto any affection or interest shown in us by someone else. I'm just conscious that your fragile & would love someone to hold you & be with you when you're hurting. And out of concern for you-just remember you are fragile & would probably be open to anyone who shows you affection-just beware of being taken for granted because whilst short term comfort seems what you need-i think you'd be even more hurt if the other person didn't appreciate how special it is that you share intimacy when they may just be wanting a "fling" type of relationship. Take care & it would be great to hear from you & Robbie about how your doing & also how you communicate as it is very limited on here so I appreciate your wish to find somewhere you can talk directly. Lve Maresxxx

[Robbie6265]

Hi  Mares73 , Im doing ok. thankyou for asking, nice you did.

[Brokenandbruised]

Hi Mares,

thanks for your comments. I'm sorry it's taken a while to reply to you. I don't think I should delve into how to communicate away from this site as it's not adhering to the rules of this forum, and I don't want to get in any further trouble! I think I understand what you mean when you said be careful if others show affection as they may not be looking for the same. I made that mistake in trying to get back with my ex-boyfriend. But I've learnt from that. I've suffered enough in my life. Anyway, thanks for listening and maybe you can tell me a bit about your experiences sometime.