I feel so lonely and in need of affection

[Brokenandbruised]

I'm hoping someone can help me. I'm feeling severely depressed . It's been going on since January this year. I've been thinking of harming myself but I'm even too much of a coward to do that. Everything is going wrong. I feel so lonely and need of affection. I even tried begging my ex- boyfriend to come back to me. When I ended the relationship it seemed right.. He was smothering me. Now because I'm so vulnerable I wish he was again. But I broke his heart, and he's with someone else now. He said he hates me now and can't even be friends because it's all too painful for him. He even changed his mobile number a few days ago so I can't contact him. That hurts so much. And there's another guy who I've never met in person who I've been talking to on and off for 11 years. He's very ill right now and he doesn't want to communicate with anyone right now. I feel strongly for him , but I can't call him. I'm trying to respect his wishes . I feel so empty.  No one understands how bad I feel. My family see me as a burden. I can't think of one person who would miss me if I weren't here anymore. Am I so broken? I feel like my whole life I've suffered, I can't take it anymore. Why is it that other people can find love? I want to believe there's someone for me, but I've just about given up. When someone who adored me for 6 years now says he hates me, he even told me to kill myself. Even he with all his problems has found someone. Even my daughter's father is married, when he claimed when I was with him that I was the only woman he had ever loved. But I had to leave him, because it was an abusive relationship. Because my self-esteem is pretty non existent right now, every thing really hurts me emotionally. And I'm not strong enough anymore to take this. I'm sick of being abused by people. I'm sick of everyone taking their problems out on me. I'm sick of being different. Like I don't belong in this world. It's like everyone knows this secret language and I don't. I'm sick of  starting a new relationship and to become emotionally attached, only to be betrayed or discover that it can't work out. Is it too much to ask to find one man who will love me for who I am, and who wants to be with me? It seems it is. I'm 41 now., and I feel like I'm 81.. I'm sorry this post is so depressing, but this is how I feel. I can't turn off my thoughts. I can't sleep because I can't relax. This voice is in my head all the time. And it won't stop. Can someone offer help. I'm seeing a psychologist and on medications but nothing works. I just don't see any hope for the future. I was religious, but even God has deserted me. I feel like I'm nothing. I am empty inside. I just need someone to listen to me. So if anyone wants to talk, please let me know. I'm only hanging  on by a thread. 

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[Robbie6265]

Hi Brokenandbruised,  first of all, this is my first post here, and the reason is you.

I wanted to tell you, never be sorry for posting or talking about your feelings...if you feel it, then its real and worth while thing to do, and so are you.

YOU ARE being listen to sweetie, even though i haven't even typed 1 word about myself on this site yet, i was so compelled to just reach out to you, so you at least know your not alone and your not just talking/typing to an empty space.

" says he hates me, he even told me to kill myself"....that is his hurt and pain and defenses talking to you, not his true wishes i think...try not to take it to heart TO much....but i have felt the pain of those type of words.

SO much of how you feel jumped out at me, and i can so relate to many things you said and are feeling.

" I am empty inside. I just need someone to listen to me. So if anyone wants to talk, please let me know. I'm only hanging  on by a thread. ".........

WELL I'm Listening...

not sure if i could be of any help ( because of my own situation...i don't/rare out, i don't have family that gives a **** and don't contact them no more....and have lost all my friends over the years....so i have got use to being home alone with my dog...:I feel i am on the edge of a clift with one foot in the air. ), BUT if i can be then feel free to contact me.

An Understanding Hug for you.

RoBBiE

[geoff]

dear Brokenandbruised, this feeling that you are going through is certainly not what anyone with depression would ever wish upon themselves, unfortunately it does and will always do so with this disease.

It's amazing how a new reader can respond to you, which definitely means that many other people are also doing the same, but I welcome Robbie and thank him so much for replying to yourself, and I do hope that he will let us know how he feels.

It's a catch 22 situation, because when we are depressed we don't like people smothering us, we can't stand too much affection, because we either can't handle it, or it's not exactly the attention we want, it's not going to rid us of our depression, and maybe it's it's a false way to show our love for someone.

You can't give depressed people a false or pretend way of being affectionate, and even though if he did return, which is unlikely now, then in a short time you will push him away again, and this only happens because of this illness, so what we want is for people to help us with this illness, to understand what worries us.

I do worry about this chap who you have spoken to for over 11 years and never met him, and maybe this is from a dating service, and please correct me if I am wrong, but these discussions might have been quite informative.

Loneliness puts us in a corner, but we so much want someone to share our life with, but I'm sure that we must have antennas up on our head saying 'beware this person is depressed, handle with extreme care', so we can't seem to stop this persona on our face, our our body and the way we communicate with others, so what does this mean.

Well even if we do get a partner our depression will overflow onto them, and before long we will lose them as well, and what this does is to cement our depression, so unfortunately this new love of our life will go as well, so we have to concentrate on overcoming our depression and this can include social anxiety.

It's a two sided sword here, and as much as we want someone to love and to be with us forever, most people can't handle depression with someone else.

We often get confused by meeting someone new, our hearts are racing, our body is sweating, we go out for dinner etc. but our depression is hidden for a short time, but gradually it appears over time, believing that this person will be able to handle it with us, however mostly they can't so they move on.

I'm sorry if all of this is disappointing, but one way to help you is to keep posting here, you have problems that all of us have experienced, and even though I have overcome my depression I know that someone in my life would be nice, but I would never life with them and that's because of many reasons which I can post if you would like me to. L Geoff. x

[Brokenandbruised]

Hi Robbie,

Thanks so much for your kind words. I'm sorry that your first post had to be about me! The people at beyond blue were so concerned about me after they read my post that I got a late night phone call from a cat team. I wasn't expecting that. I'm ok but only just. Yes I can see that my ex-boyfriend is probably saying these things because he is hurt and still finds the break-up painful. He sent me another email at 3am but again it wasn't pleasant. I couldn't stop crying after I read it. I've been doing that a lot lately. But I have now accepted that he's not the one for me. And I don't deserve to be treated like that. So I'm not going to contact him again, and I hope he leaves me alone. 

My psychologist has given me a few mini goals to work on, but I don't feel I can even begin to try. I don't currently have a job because my last job was a contract and this has ended. I'm just no where near being in the right head space to even go online and look at jobs. It seems everyone is giving me advice, but very few people really understand what I'm going through. I know my parents won't put up with me being unemployed for much longer. 

I'm sorry I haven't even asked you about your depression. I too don't have many friends. I'm sorry to hear that your family isn't supportive. I guess in my case I'm quite dependent on them now. So even though they don't understand me, they are supporting me financially. 

Gosh I really sound like a loser don't i? My whole life is in ruins. It's a wonder that you'd even want to talk to me! Well if you still do, I'd be happy to listen to your story, if you feel comfortable in sharing it, that is. 

Thanks again for your kind words and I hope I hear from you soon. By the way my real name is Gabby.

[emiveritas]

Brokenndbruised - I am always here if you would like to talk. Also, you are deserving of love. Though my response is laconic, it's the essence I consider it to be the most important. You deserve it.

[Robbie6265]

Hi Gabby,Thanks for telling me / us know your real first name Gabby, I think it helps alot to connection with another when you know there name, but i also understand the comfort in feeling anonymous when talking and sharing such strong and deep feelings as you have so bravely done here, and it sure beats talking to "myredshoe" or "baconandeggs"  🙂 .....its real nice to meet you Gabby and my real name is...Robbie  O.o

Don't feel sorry my first post was to you Gabby,.. you actually did me a great  favour , you guided my hands to the keyboard !, at a time when i thought I may never have the guts to talk here or even remove my account here...so ty for that Gabby and more so, for sharing your heart and soul and feelings here.

Even if people do not or can not reply to you........just remember many of them will hear you...read you,and understand that they  ARE NOT ALONE....and there are others here who are feeling and experiencing many of the same things you are....and that they are NOT some freak of nature who needs to do this alone..

So just remember Gabby, for your honesty and bravery here....YOU are and will be helping many others along the way......Me and alot of other people ARE here with you and for you .as you yourself also take those scary brave first "little steps" that really are SO so important and critical to do ....THAT is something you need to keep reminding yourself, and feeling a bit proud of Gabby  !

wow Gabby -  I just  typed about 1500 words to you after ( and just because you said sorry) i read that you said to me.... "  I'm sorry that your first post had to be about me!"....so please.. DON'T BE SORRY, not for anything you feel, or are going through,or experiencing... not for sharing your pain and hurt,or fears or  YOUR STORY.....you have NOTHING to be sorry about....your not going to be blamed or judged or labled here, no one is going to point any fingers at you ( or anyone else)......

What you ARE doing (in my opinion Gabby) IS the exact and best thing for YOU...not for or about others.

this is not about family or friends who don't understand ( or cant or dont want to understand and empathize with you Gabby ....and thats ok....some just dont care to care....some are scared to know the full truth...many dont have the skills or a way to approach the whole "THING" with you), or just want you to "get over it" or "walk it off" OR "just move on" !

I also think sometimes, some family and friends feel a bit ( or very) helpless because they cant help you...and so they back away and fade into the background.....and they just want and are waiting for the "old Gabby" to come back.........If there heart is in the right place, they will still be there later kido......there just feeling that something needs fixing, and they dont have the tools to help fix it.... O.O

" The people at beyond blue were so concerned about me after they read my post that I got a late night phone call from a cat team".....WOW......WELL DONE Beyond Blue !!.......

Gabby...I hope you ( and all others here).. did and are ,feeling  that real,down to earth,honest and genuine concern and contact from them for you, helped you as much as possible and you should never ever forget, anytime.....@ those most dark and cold and empty times, that there IS someone there WITH and FOR you, anytime.

" Yes I can see that my ex-boyfriend is probably saying these things because he is hurt and still finds the break-up painful. He sent me another email at 3am but again it wasn't pleasant. I couldn't stop crying after I read it. I've been doing that a lot lately. But I have now accepted that he's not the one for me. And I don't deserve to be treated like that. So I'm not going to contact him again, and I hope he leaves me alone. "......

THAT ( i know), is going to be so very hard....personally i think its the correct thing to do, BUT i also know that the love of another ( sadly even if its someone who abuses you, or who dose not treat you as you deserve or should be loved and respected),... when it seems you have no love at all other than from or for that person.......YEP Gabby, i KNOW its like being addicted to a drug that is so bad for you..and giving it up is like ripping a part of your heart out......best thing i did in that respect, was ban,delete and made sure i never got anything from her again, please dont torture yourself sweetie

( EDIT- just so you know Gabby.....If you ever talk about feelings or situations or share anything that i have either not experience or  i don't understand hoe that must feel,please know at least this about me  I'll not sit here on the side of my bed @ 2am ( yes, with my dog...... 🙂  ) pretending that "i know just how you feel" ) for me that would be disrespectful to you at the very least, and it wont happen.

.......If nothing else,Im a stupidly honest guy Ab's..youngest of 7, who has been through, seen and done far to much " life experience"  in 49 years.....

[Robbie6265]

WELL, 

(  the BB managers/site may not allow or post this or  like i have used up so much time/space/text talking to you Gabby......but....

 i speak and feel from the heart, i do this without filtering 

so sorry if i am breaking any rules on this site  )

----------------------------------------------------------------------

I just want to finish reading what you typed to me and others Gabby......and for what its worth, finish replying to you.

I so know what you mean about, a "job" just not being even close to what you could handle.....that's why Centrelink (massive) , housing SA, family and friends and "society's" expectations of WHAT i NEED and SHOULD be doing.....makes all "this".....feel like your not normal.....makes you so guilty and so apart from "normal" people.

" I'm sorry I haven't even asked you about your depression".....dont be Gabbby......its all good,this isnt about me....i have had 49 years hiding this and Im pretty good at it.....:)

"Gosh I really sound like a loser don't i? My whole life is in ruins. It's a wonder that you'd even want to talk to me! Well if you still do, I'd be happy to listen to your story, if you feel comfortable in sharing it, that is.  "........

YES...i DO want to talk to you Gabby....." so THERE"...sticks out my tongue at you in a playful way

NO, you dont sound like a "looser".....you sound like someone who is....."drowning.....not waving"...OK ?...

 I personally .....OK....

ok...I think , out of respect for you and how brave and open  and what you have shared to all of us,that i owe you at least as best as i can.....a few things about me, but i 

dam it...........lump in my throat the size of a soccer ball.....wow

dont know where to start or ...dont want to hijack YOUR time and space here Gab's.....dont want to sound rambling.

wow- this is harder than i ever  thought.give me a moment........

 fewlllll....you got alot of guts lady, to be able to share as you have......I um....i thought this would be easier 

just spent 15 min pacing around my house ....balling my eyes out.....not a good look.

OK

I'll try doing it this way....a bit quick and incomplete and clinical and sterile....i wasnt expecting....but i think i understand why you ask to " show me yours if i show you mine"......thats fair and propper Gabby

MOST ofT HIS IS going to be a bit all over the place....but i will keep it as short..and most i will read from papers to/from gp to the psychologist...first and only time have been to....if i dont do it this way....then i cant do it.

49

type 1 diabetes.......leveles range from     ....1.9----up to 24.Im not good at eating regular, or keeping it down, or being abale to get to a / my GP for scripts...i spends many days without depression etc medication because i cant get out of my bedroom or house.

diagnosed in 2011/12...from a referal from GP to a paychiatrist ( norwood in S.A)

Chronic PTSD (from extreme abusive childhood,flashbacks,ruminations,social triggers etc etc etc with total avoidence

chronic/server Depression

cronic anxiety

server long term sleep disorder/insomnia....wakes every hour or so throughout every night

born last and youngest of 7.....both parents  alcoholics before and for many many years after i was born and most of my brothers and sisters abused drugs and alcohol....and me

ahhhh.i read up and feel like i am complaining........

sexualy abuse buy family member and 2 other non family.

severe physically abuse by family memebers

server physiologically abuse  by family memebers

 steal food at school from other kids "lunch packs and bags"....

i use to "wag " school....and hide and sleep under bushes, because i count sleep with all the violence in the house

skip forward.....

my brother closest ( near twin/treated like a twin) died by suicide in jail when i was 21

farther 1 time killed by massive heart attack....2 weeks later a brother diagnose with aids

my mother never had a boyfriend, she met my dad and they were together for life

my mum's ONLY carer for 13 years....24 / 7.....didnt evenget told i could have a rest

ALL other family members thought, Robbie gets carer payment, so all responsability to HIM

i did...EVERY moment.....took her to hospital ....she pased away that night 2010

few weeks later....55 year old sister died......

skip

skip

housing trust in S.A. gave me hell

centre link same

etc etc

so so so much more in between those above lines, 2 kids.....SO much more

I am not going to keep doing this

[Robbie6265]

Im am sorry Gabby/all...i didnt know i was going to type THAT much about THAT....i will...I'll do it in another place that dose not hijack or distract from what we are here for and that is Gabby.

[Brokenandbruised]

Don't be sorry Robbie. What's the THAT? I'm not the only one with depression and if you feel comfortable I'd like to listen to you. You have been kind  enough to reach out to me. I'm still awake and it's 6.39am! I'll be lucky to get a few hours sleep. So please don't think this thread is just for me. As you said to me, don't be afraid to explain your feelings and what you're going through. I'm also a good listener. 

[Brokenandbruised]

Hi Robbie,

Sorry when I went online last night your longer post wasn't there then, it obviously wasn't approved at that stage.  Robbie after reading your story, I cried for you. I know it must have taken a lot of courage to share what's happened to you. I'm so sorry that you've had such a traumatic childhood. I wish I could give you a cuddle right now. But I know that there's not anything I could say or do that will take your pain away. You said you have 2 kids, how old are they and do you see them often? I have a daughter myself who is 19 and lives with me. She's actually more independent than I am at 41! I could go into more detail about her father, but in a nutshell she hasn't seen him since she was about 6 years old. I live in Melbourne. 

Please don't say you shouldn't be talking about yourself here. I'm so glad you did. Like I said before this thread isn't just for me or about me. You have pain too Robbie. And I'd really like to be your friend and even if we can't help each other, at least we can listen to each other, and I know that you understand what I'm going through. Although I haven't experienced a lot of what you went through, e.g., child sexual abuse and the issues with your family, I do have my own dysfunctional family. I have to put up with certain things, because I'm not working right now, and they are financially supporting me. I'm sure they think they are doing more than that, but my sister is actually a clinical psychologist and has been little help to me. To be fair to her, she is very busy. She works full-time and has 2 young children, but she does have a husband who does a lot. I think it's hard for her as she can't be objective when it comes to family matters.

So it seems we both have trouble sleeping. I finally got off to sleep around 8am, and only got 3 hours, as my 'delightful' mother came into my room and opened the blinds and said, "it's time to get up now!" So I did, swearing at her under my breath. I'm actually supposed to be looking at jobs right now, to achieve the mini goal the psychologist set me. But I'd much rather be talking/writing to you right now. My heart really goes out to you Robbie. To hear about what you've gone through, has really touched me. Don't ever put yourself down. You are an extremely strong person to have endure all of that. I'm no where near as strong as you are. Are you working at the moment? It just seems so much easier to share my feelings than to do other things. I hardly know you, but I feel I could tell you anything and you wouldn't judge me, like so many other people have. I hope you continue to share your story with me, as I feel like already there is a connection between us. Maybe it's because we are both suffering from depression and can really empathise with the other.

This is getting long, and boring, so I'll wait for your reply.

You actually made me feel a bit better today after hearing back from you. And you've now actually inspired me to look at some jobs. I'm not applying for any yet, just looking.

Just know you have a friend out there that does care and I'm thinking of you.

Gabby