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I feel I’m being emotionally manipulated

Community Member

A friend of my recently passed away and the funeral is next week it’s at a local church . I hate funerals but decided to go to this one . Last year my wife’s grandmother passed away and I didn’t go with here to the funeral which was a 10 hour drive so we decided she would go on her own and fly up there and spend the week .this was decided through lengthy discussions .

Today she said to me “ now I’m gunna say something and I don’t want you to get mad “

then she says “ I feel you care more about Jim than you do about my family “

my quick response was to say I understand why You would say this .

But this situation stewed in my brain and I was wondering why she would say this to me.

I was angry at here because she already knew I felt guilty for not going to her grandmothers funeral and we made that choice together .

Why was she saying this?

6 Replies 6

Community Member

Hi Revtrev,

Firstly, welcome to the forums.

It is quite hard to comment on why exactly she would say this, only she could 100% answer that but I would think it comes down to the effort that you made to go to your friends funeral and not her family's one. Especially since she went and you maybe could of gone with her. I understand what you are saying that you simply do not like funerals but I guess in her head she saw it that your effort was elsewhere and not with her. I am just guessing here of course as I really do not know her thinking. Have you asked her about why she said this or is she not giving you a proper answer?

My best for you,


white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi revtrev, welcome

Its tough when our dpouses lose faith in us. It ismt fair how she vompares the two events but...life isnt fair. People dont think the same. And in laws arent blood family. Also plans agreed upon last year, if she agreed on them then, why is she objecting now?

It seems there is some deep resentment in her. This needs professional care, marriage counseling.

From what youve stated it doesnt seem to come under the umbrella of manipulation. ..more being unfair to compare.

Last year I told my wife I'd never sell my lawn mower, this year I traded it in. Circumstances change and I have a right to change my mind.

Tony WK

Community Member

Thanks jay

i did ask here and it blew out into an argument as I was angry .

The decision was made together as we had children we would have had to take all the children up there as well . It was a joint choice but I told her if she really needed me I would be there for her . I thought she was fine with it . I told her back then I felt guilty I didn’t go and she understood cause she was happy to spend the time with her family and coild

focud on her Mum and grandfather and morn with her family .

I dunno she really puts me down a lot of the time this is just one fresh example I wanted some feed back from


maybe your right she just seems to always put me down and make me feel insignificant .

This was a fresh example and I just wanted some feedback

thank you

Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi RevTrev,

To me, your wife isn't coming across as being emotionally manipulative or putting you down in this instance but rather seems to be raising how she was feeling, which I think is important for a relationship. It may have been that you both agreed, or you suggested that you would not go to the funeral and she agreed because she didn't want the argument (I suspect that may be the case). But I have a feeling that deep down she would have liked you to have been there for her. I think your wife may have been guilty of not communicating her needs effectively on that front, or hoping that would recognise it without having to say it. She may have rationalized it to herself that you hate funerals etc, but then when you overcame your hatred of them to go to your friends funeral, it may have made her question that.

Community Member

Hi Revtrev,

It is somewhat hard to give feedback on purely because we don't know her reasons for saying it or the background of your relationship. It doesn't sound like it was being emotionally manipulative but at the same time it may very well have been. Best thing I think you can do in this instance is try and have a civil conversation without the anger and ask why she said this to you when you were already guilty about it all.

If you feel she is always putting you down then maybe it may be worth speaking to a marriage counsellor?

My best,