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I dont know what is the right thing to do

Community Member

my wife of 16 years and myself have reached a crossroad.

we've become more of a pair of flatmates. barely talking, and when we do it becomes overly emotional and usually end in a fight of words and blaming.

I'm seeing a psychologist. for depression

but recently the idea of me moving out was brought up by her.

this idea caused me to have a breakdown and ended up crying uncontrollable on the floor last night.

i dont want either of us to wake up one day 10 years down the track, and realize that we hate each other

I also dont want to leave and end up either of us blaming the other for the collapse of the our marriage

we've got two children together

a teenage girl and a pre-teen son who is on the austim spectrum.

i dont like the idea of leaving leave without me around as much as i am

but I dont also dont like the idea of them having to grow up in a "hostile" household.

please help

6 Replies 6

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
Dear ashe,

I'm so glad you've come here to talk about what's going in for you.

I have to forewarn you that I don't think I will be able to help, in terms of life experience, but I hear you and I want to be here for you and to listen.

You have been with your wife for 16 years, and have 2 children together. It is understandable that you would want to to talk things through before separating.

Of course, on the other hand, you don't want to continue and wake up a decade later wondering why you are still together.

Having a teenager is a challenge, and having a pre teen on the autism spectrum adds considerably to that challenge.

Have you broached the subject of couples counselling?

In the past, as part of my work, I've had some contact with families living with diverse abilities, and I know that the autism spectrum is particularly difficult. Have you had support as a family for son's challenges?

I ask that as there may be a contact for you through the intervention team to get some assistance, as part of the wholistic equation.

Is it that your marriage just needs a shake up? One of my best friends was in a similar situation to you a few years ago, and they ended up having some couples counselling (they have 3 children, the middle child with severe autism) and they muddled their way through - the counselling allowed them to realise they loved each other and only wanted each other to co-parent through this incredible period.

I haven't been much help.

I guess I just wanted to make contact and let you know you're not on your own.

Please feel welcome to lay your burdens down here.


Community Member

Hi Ashe. I have been through separation and divorce and while it was the right thing for us, it is not an easy ride.

I agree with Birdy77; you could both use some couples counselling, If you are already seeing a psychologist I would raise this with him/her to see if they are able to assist at all or give you a recommendation.

That said, getting divorced is not the end of the world and kids can manage. My kids were teens/preteens and have adapted very well to our arrangement (50/50 custody split). If the environment at home is toxic or (as in my ex's and my case) indifferent, this is not a good way to raise kids. I did not want my kids growing up thinking that is how relationships work, that life is about putting up with less than you deserve.

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
Dear ashe,

I felt my reply to you last night was not very helpful, and wanted to suggest a couple of other things.

Tunnelvision has a great idea with asking your psych for guidance on steps towards couples counselling.

Another resource that could help is Relationships Australia.

I guess before those options and before any big decisions about whether or not to stay together is to try to talk to each reasonably and calmly. I know you said discussions often end up emotional or in a fight. But if you can try and schedule some calm talking time to really talk about what things you could each do to make the other happier or to improve the relationship, you might be able to come up with a way forward together.

If this doesn't work, getting some outside help may be the best idea, before any major decisions are made.

I hope you are ok.


Community Member

It was decided I move out.

not telling the children until I fljave found a place to live, but Iā€™m pretty sure our eldest daughter knows something is up

we are going to be seeking couples counseling.

im just numb now.

feeling lost, confused most of the time Iā€™m almost unable to function, trying to talk I just stammer and stutter getting stuck on words and find myself repeating simple words over and over again.

Community Member

Hi Ashe01,

It sounds like you are in crisis and need to take care of yourself. The basics, sleeping, eating, and connection to people you are close to are all important while you move through this difficult time.

I know it's hard not to think about the worst outcomes, and imagine future unhappiness but I think it is important to remain grounded in the present. Remember the love you feel for your children and let them know.

Staying safe and grounded will put you in the best position to figure out what is best with your wife when you go to counseling together.

Thinking of you, Ebi

Community Member


My heart goes out to you mate. I'm stuck in the same position, wife wants a separation. At the moment I'm trying to deal with waves of total dread & anxiety. I've had several panic attacks in just the last few days which I have had to deal with on my own. I've come to realise now my wife just simply does not care how I am or what I'm feeling, she just wants me gone as soon as possible. I wish I could be the same.