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I don't know how to start again. I feel I don't have the strength.

Community Member
I've had depression most of my life, since adolescence. I've been on SSRIs for probably 30 years. The depression seems to be cyclic. About a year ago, after 31 years of marriage and with two grown young sons, I decided to go off antidepressants. They made me feel empty and disconnected. Then late last year my dad passed away, our dog died and I unknowingly slipped into a downward spiral. The black dog bit me hard and with a vengeance I have never known before. My wife wanted me out of the house. I spent the worst 48 hours of my life in a hotel room, alone, not sleeping, endlessly playing out how I would end my life. What stopped me was the thought of the pain I would inflict on my family. They talk of going to hell when you die but only the living can truly experience its horror. I have now seen my GP, resumed antidepressants and am slowly climbing out of the darkness. But now, I think, my wife and family do not want me back home. For a while, or maybe forever, I am not sure. My recent episode has shaken them to the core. If it was one tenth as bad for them as it was for me, then I can understand that. But here's my point and why I am writing, for the first time, to this forum. I don't know how I can begin again without being with my family. Without the chatter over the dinner table, the afternoon strolls, "it's a lovely day, let's do to the beach", "you'll never guess what happened to me today". The thought of being separated from that is too much to bear. I cannot expect my family to live with my depression. But I struggle to find any purpose to go on without them. I cannot face another blank wall, an empty silent room. The thought of it is like a cold hand gripping my heart. I know the right thing to do it accept and deal with it. But I am struggling to find the strength. The allure of "escape" is strong. Anything to stop the pain. If I could just envision a life beyond fog of now . . .
11 Replies 11

Dear Lambent,

Thank you for updating us on how things have been progressing. We very much appreciate the update.

We are heartened to hear that our community was able to help you work through the darkness.

It is usually hard as a relationship comes toward an ending. As you so clearly state, there is usually grief, anger, and pain for the loss of the relationship. However, it is very important to be true to yourself.

It is also heartening to see how you are finding the internal strength to help your wife work through her anger.

We continue to be here for you.

Warm regards,

Sophie M.

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Lambert, it's good you have come back and informed us of what is now happening.

Talking and listening to your wife may well be a way to keep a distanced relationship going, but what worries me is that you can't be blamed for everything and being told it's all your fault, because as the saying goes, 'it takes two to tango', so it's not fair to be criticised all the time, you need to move forward and gain the strength you ant.

Best wishes.