I destroyed the possibility of a pure marriage during separation in our younger years

[Fusion2k4]

Hi everyone,

33 here, wife is 32. We met at around 20 years old.

During the time of 24-25. We had a break. I had sex with multiple people. To be perfectly honest, I wanted a break to experience an independent adult identify and to also enjoy women (I know this is evil and self absorbed).

We got back together. I have been faithful since. Now, we are 3 months pregnant. As our life goes on - the more eternal we become - my mind cannot accept my infidelity. Around 98% of my thoughts are painful, paradoxical and complex. Because of my eternal sin, I can never be happy. It taints everything - and always will do.

I just I was pure. I am incredibly envious of people who have 100% pure relationships.

I do dream of an independent life too. I wish that my wife would leave me.

I am trying to fight for us but it feels like I am losing the war and the boulder is too hard to hold.

[Guest_1643]

Hi, if u were in a break, why is it impure to be with others?

Sounds pretty normal to be curious and to want to see what's out there, and as u said, after this u were faithful

[Petal22]

Hi Fusion2k4,

Wellcome to our forums!

I understand you were on a break? and you have been faithful since you got back together?

Im sorry that you are experiencing painful thoughts……. are these thoughts causing you anxiety?

Have you been able to discuss with your wife the way you are feeling?

[geoff]

Hello Fusion, even when you had a break you explored your infidelity but your wife took you back and now have she is pregnant, congratulations and these thoughts you are having may be called 'intrusive thoughts' that are often repetitive and can happen at any time, and you may not have control over them and if they are a nuisance, then you need help to deal with them and a psychologist can do this.

If however, they are actually how you are feeling and your wife finds out, then she may leave you but I'm sure this would devastate her and the baby and eventually you, as the baby begins to grow up.

You have already experienced this while you weren't together and these thoughts you are having need help from a doctor if that's the way you want to handle this.

Take care.

Geoff.

[Fusion2k4]

Thanks all,

This is still something i struggle with.

It took a long time to find a clinician that is actually accepting appointments, I have some therapy lined up next week.

I don't know how to feel about myself.

In some ways, it would have been easier if my gf (now wife) just left me at the time.

Almost 100% of the time I look at her, I am reminded of her beauty, and how terrible I was back then.

It's fatiguing to live with that, let alone accepting it as a lifelong curse.

I'm very thankful to have her, I just dont deserve her.