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I am a Narcissic man, husband, father, son

Community Member


I am living on a marriage count down at the moment. A cruel awareness trial that I see unfolding before my eyes.
After 10 years of marriage, 2 kids, I am now willingly engaging myself in an excise to record deprivation/provision of love through our action for each family members. Similar to a reward board or scoreboard that a company would use to encourage certain behavior and discontinue others, each family member is free to grant a "+1" or "-1" on a democratic fashion to ensure the reward/punishment is fair.

Now before you start empatizing with me. Please beware that I may be suggesting you this feeling through the way i write. Please consider that you don't know me.

This said, the scroeboard has been up for 2 weeks now and I am losing the race. One more thing i haven't said is that we decided that we all would start with 50 points of family love credit. Now, in a normal situation, one would put himself to the attempt to do his best to earn points.

But here I am facing the reality of my interaction in my family, which have successfully been ignored and denied for at least 10 years now, and even more. Now someone could not be blamed or lose a point for not doing a thing. One would simply stagnate with it's 50 points. But here I am, losing points for causing trauma in my family.

Its time now that I tell you about me. I am not a loving, or caring, or empathic father and husband. I am better known as a Lesser Victim Narcissist as per a definition proposed by H G Tudor.

It is with a very strange emotion (fear?) that I try to grasp the full meaning of this caractheristic of mine. The picture is pretty bleak at the moment from what I understand. What am I and how should the charming, maipulative, unempathic father and husband should do to retain a sense of doing the right thing for my children and my wife that I promissed to be responsible for?

I have read and heard that little can be done for those Narcissist, even those who "pretend" to want to heal... "how to run from a narcissist" seems to be the prefered topic on youtube. I am lost at this point, devastated.

What should i do? Consult? I am afraid of being able to charm my way around, to promiss to get better as I did to my wife so many time, but unable to foccus on making the effort to look into it. I feel deficient. Are you a man that found himself at that point of self realisation of the evil that pervades your life? Did you make it to change before to loose everything?

4 Replies 4

Community Member

Hi Herman,

I was just diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and am struggling to understand it. Apparently it is the major thing that has messed up treatment of my other issues- I have bipolar and epilepsy, both of which can be treated with medication, but I am non-compliant or mess things up with poor social choices and alcohol.

I am similarly charming and manipulative- I am always able to get a girlfriend and I always mess it up.

My new psychiatrist is really great, the one who diagnosed me with NPD. She says for personality disorders, its not medication its therapy. Especially behavioral or cognitive behavioral therapy. Basically putting time and work into identifying poor behaviors and ways of thinking and either correcting them or blocking them, and in time it wont take so much work.

So at her suggestion I've just signed up for a three month course of Dialetical Behavioural Therapy DBT- like a group class for people with different personality disorders all about identifying and changing negative behaviors. It doesn't seem like fun but I'm giving it a try because I just totally screwed my life up with bipolar, and they feed into each other. BP lowers my self esteem, NPD hides it and screws up relationships, then broken relationships lead to manias and depressions. This narcissism thing seems to have a pretty big effect on life, and yes I didn't like being called a narcissist in the first place.

I understand the idea that you might "charm your way around" treatment or therapy. Personally I always thought therapy was bs. The key is, find yourself the right doc. Someone who is keen enough to outwit you or get through the narcissistic facade. Definitely give therapy a try and if it doesn't seem to work, try at least one other therapist. Their personality and style is important- I work best with female therapists who are very direct. And while I don't have a wife or kids, I bet they would respond positively to you seeing a counsellor or doing some DBT program in an effort to confront some negative behaviors, even just posting here shows you care a lot.



Hi HermanV, welcome

I just read your post and PV's reply and you both have educated my on this topic.

Great reply PV. If Herman's resistance to therapy dropped and finding the right doctor, it would make a huge difference to him and his family.


Tony WK

hi guys,

I did DBT for borderline personality disorder and it certainly does help to control certain behaviours.

The first thing though, and it sounds like you've both done it, is to recognise that there is a problem. It's very easy to blame NPD (or BPD in my case) for doing things.

But the reality is that there is no pathogen called NPD. It's not a virus or bacteria that infects us. We simply do things and see things differently, and in ways which can cause unwanted harm.

If we can own up to our mistakes, and take responsibility for them, we have a very good chance at getting better.

I'd also suggest that the score chart has probably run its course. It's triggered a thought in you that maybe things need to change. So now is the time to speak to a therapist because, like Kieran's therapist said, no medication will fix it. These are habits and patterns we're changing.

Let us know what you think! 🙂


Thanks PV, your comment is so calm and inspiring. Im really hopeful for you! This also means there is a way for me as well. I know how hard it is to take every little step. Your words means a lot for me at the moment.

Thanks WhiteKnight, I agree that an efficient caoching would help me. I might give a go first with someone online which I can research their work and level of expertise on the NPD issues.

I just started to read the best help ever to educate myself on how i behave. It is called:
Fuel : What Makes The Narcissist Function? by HG Tudor. Hope this can help others than me.

This will be my prayer for the moment:
Knowledge will be my key. And the Truth will set me free. And my fear will melt with burning pain. And nature will abund in its ways to heal me. And I will atune to the world. And I will Be for the first time, myself.