? Husband has bipolar

mama2 · ‎03-08-2023

Hi everyone,

My husband and I have been married almost 10 years now and our marriage has been a constant roller coaster.I have come to suspect that he has bipolar disorder .He presents with symptoms of high highs and low lows. He can go for a period of 2/3 months working excessively and hardly sleeping, to being in bed and struggling to maintain just one job..he has Addictive behaviours (gambling, pornography). His symptoms got evident 3years ago when he started excessively drinking. I have tried talking to him about getting help but he insists that he is okay. Its been hard. Help would have been great so I can fully understand how to be there for him and notice his triggers. As a result sometimes we clash and he is triggered and goes out, drinks , and is in a state of mania for days.

We had an argument last week and it triggered him. He went to drink and was drinking consistently for the next 3 days, now he has completely disconnected from me and wants separation/divorce. The other day he was telling me he wants to go out and do whatever he wants, drink whenever he wants and sleep with whoever he wants.Everytime we engage he gets agitated quickly, i have learnt to keep my cool and that sees him calming down as well. I dont know what to do. We have 2 kids and I am so lost.

therising · ‎05-08-2023

Hi mama2

My heart goes out to you as you face what sounds so overwhelming, incredibly upsetting and disruptive. Such a tough situation for you to be in, especially with a couple of kids. Sounds like you're taking responsibility for everyone in the family.

It's so hard when someone doesn't take responsibility for better understanding how they tick. While I look at certain labels as one way in helping define a person's behaviour and way of thinking, I tend to question their nature too. For example, it could be handy to question bipolar or ADHD, for example. Such states have helpful guidelines for managing (identifying triggers, ways to manage the massive energy or chemical shifts, how to manage the inner dialogue that comes with the shifts etc). Is it in his nature to experience exciting levels of hyperactivity he thrives on. Does he get a high out of that level of energy? Is he often looking to basically get a high? If you get in between him and that high, does he get angry? With the extreme lows, is it natural for him to completely wear himself out? The mind and body can't sustain such high levels of hyperactivity for more than a certain length of time. So, is it a matter of him crashing out of a high and the crash feels depressing for him? Doesn't necessarily matter whether it's bipolar, ADHD or how he naturally works, what matters is that he manages how he works. As he continues to look for all the highs that serve him, chances are a lot of them won't serve you or the kids, which is so incredibly unfair. Has he always been this way, even as a child, going from fully charged into flat battery mode? If so, did his parents have ways of managing his nature? Are you able to speak to them?

mama2 · ‎06-08-2023

Hi Therising

thanks for responding to my post, it means so much.

it has been incredibly difficult to say the least, I feel like I am ultimately taking responsibility for everyone and when I need reprieve there os no one to catch me. I have amazing support from a few friends as my family is overseas. This has been helpful.

I have noticed and he has mentioned that he has dopamine seeking behaviours, that his mind feels like it constantly needs a high, so even in stable times he is very playful and is always looking for some kind of reaction and or interaction, then he can retreat and be by himself but he will still be either playing a game or on social media/reels. Often he will not let me get in between him and his highs, he structures it such that he could be sports betting while we are all sitting in the lounge and yes if I were to insist on interrupting that it’s possible he will get angry.

I have noticed the pattern, he cannot sustain the highs for too long and he crashes after a week or so. However when he crashes and starts interacting and living normally he starts feeling like being a family man and having a stable relationship is costing him his drive and ambition.
I agree, how can he manage how he works? And how can I help him do this?

he hasn’t always been like this. We’ve had our ups and downs but things took an evident turn when he started drinking excessively 2years ago. He almost feels like a different person. His parents are not aware, he is not incredibly close with them. I have reached out to them regarding the drinking and they have tried talking to him but thats as far as it went.

quirkywords · ‎06-08-2023

Mama2

I was diagnosed with bipolar nearly 50 years ago and spent 16 years in denial.
I know how stressful it was fir my parents.

I can feel your pain and frustration.
is it possible to talk to your husband when he is neither high or low. If yiu try to talk when he us high he will nit listen and when low it will all be too much.
There is a website www.blackdoginstitute.org.au that has lots of information about bipolar.

would your husband go with you to talk to his GP.

There could be many reasons for his behaviour.