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[Notrealymyname]

In a relationship for 8 years and have kids together. It's never been great although never really had a fight. The whole thing just seems pointless like we're roommates but I pay all the bills. Zero intimacy which bothers me on a lot of levels but now I'm being pressured for sex even though partner thinks that it should just happen rather than there be a lead up to it through intimacy. Overall I feel pretty empty and that there is no meaning to my life but I can't seem to find the courage to say anything to anyone. I feel that my partner is self centred (didn't even say happy birthday to me) but I also am aware that I keep a guard up and have been dissatisfied with my life on all aspects not just with them. my job is such a negative place but it's our only source of income (for the last 4 months and for the foreseeable future) and it only covers the bills so I resent my partner for not earning an income. I have made small comments about the lack of romance with no change. I haven't enjoyed anything for a long time so I have no clue how to fix it and don't know how to voice that I feel taken advantage of and neglected. I would just disappear if it wasn't for the little ones 

[Zeal]

Hi, and welcome to the forum!

I'm sorry to hear of the emotional distance in your relationship and the lack of intimacy. It must be hard to be a mother and the sole income earner. Is your partner out of work due to illness? Your partner seems to be very out-of-touch with his emotions and with your emotional needs too. If you don't mind me asking, has your relationship been this way for years? Or has something changed or shifted more recently?

It's a shame that your work environment is so negative. If some employees are negative or derogatory, try to not engage with negative or unhelpful comments they make . Acknowledging them but not reacting or rebutting is crucial. I could be completely off the mark here. Perhaps your job role itself has a negative impact on your mood and wellbeing. If when you get home your children are content with playing or watching a bit of TV, try just sitting in a calm spot for maybe ten minutes (but still within earshot of the kids in case they need help), and listening to some positive music. It's great when certain songs remind you of past events or fun times, or can help to elevate your mood.

This could be met with protestation, but perhaps suggest to your partner that you both attend a counselling session for your relationship. Try to approach your partner at a calm time (and when you both aren't busy or tense). This is crucial. In the past, I have made the mistake of broaching new or sensitive topics at inopportune times, and I like to warn others against doing so! Tell him that you want to work on your relationship so you can both be happier and enjoy more benefits of a healthy partnership, including respect, friendship, intimacy, fun (sex included) and a shared understanding. Mention that you'd like to do this both for your relationship and for the sake of your family unit. Hopefully presenting the bigger picture and not placing blame on him for lacking in the intimacy and compassion department will help. Blaming is futile and will only lead to hurt and frustration. Hopefully securing an appointment with a counsellor is accessible. Googling services in your region is a good idea.

I really hope you and your partner can start to become more of a team 🙂  

Best wishes,

SM

[geoff]

dear NRMN, and excuse me for abbreviating it, but sex has to be mutual, not something that 'just has to be done' because it means that there is no love, no companionship, no feelings between the two of you, and how can you feel what you do during sex, because when you have sex and we all know about it and the love between the two of you is connected.
Alot of words for saying what we know, but if you're roommates then it would be an intrusion and you wouldn't feel comfortable during it.
You don't necessarily have to leave so are you able to give him his marching orders, because if all he wants is to have sex when he feels like it, then that's not a relationship, not one that you want.
There is a legal term for this but I'm going to mention it, but having sex with no mutual agreement or forced upon you, and if he pays for nothing then he has to go.
I am just a bit worried about how he will cope with this and I hope that he doesn't get angry, but please let us know. Geoff. x

[Apollo_Black]

Hi NMRN

Seems to be a few things going on. It may help if you provide some more information. How many children do you have and how old are they? How old are you and your partner? When did your partner stop working and what was the reason? You mentioned that this may be permanent, was it because of injury or illness? Did he not say happy birthday to you just recently or has it been on more than one occasion? What's so negative about your workplace and are there any alternatives for you?

If anything getting your thoughts out there (or here in this forum) may help identify the issues and make it easier in formulating a plan of attack. More information may also determine if this a recent character shift in your partner's behavior related to being out of work or a more chronic thing that you've endured because you have  young children involved and don't want to destabilize them.