How to move on from infidelity

[Bridge678]

Hi guys, first time poster. Just wondering if anyone has any ideas to help me out. My partner of 20 year recently cheated on me, I caught them out, the major cheating happened once and the texting calls over a week. I’ve been begged and pleaded at to stay. Our marriage was a bit crap prior and we’ve since discussed all the stuff that led to it getting to that point. The part I’m struggling with is I’m not a forgiving person and I’m just losing it everyday, it’s been a week since I found out but I still feel as angry as day one. How do you trust again? How do you move forward?

[geoff]

Hello Bridge, whether a couple wants to be intimate depends on many different issues and also how long you have been together for because a new couple can overcome problems much easier than than when they have been together for a number of years.

I agree with Tony, it's best not to bring this matter up again, don't use it as future ammunition to prove a point, this will only create disharmony, sometimes what's happened is behind you now and never mentioned, especially when you are cross.

If you believe he is sorry, then that's all he may be able to say at the moment, but later on he could provide other ways to compliment how he feels towards you, so if you definitely believe him then it's possible for the two of you to move forward as he has cut ties with them.

Take care.

Geoff.

[white knight]

Hi Bridge, how are you feeling now?

TonyWK

[Bridge678]

Thanks for your reply and I’m sorry your also going through this. I always thought I would leave too if this ever happened but yet here I still am. I’m still processing it and still struggling. I’m scared to live the life of having to check up on him all the time and worrying, we are trying at the moment but I still don’t know if I will be able to move on, it’s early days still.

[Bridge678]

Thankyou it is actually helpful, I have been noticing the changes but fear they may be short term until he thinks I’ve forgiven him so I’m still in limbo at the moment waiting to see what time will bring.

[Bridge678]

Thankyou, we have talked about moving and he is very open to the idea at this stage. It’s still only early days and I can’t say if I will be able to move on from it yet. It’s still really raw and painful. I don’t really have anyone to talk to about it because no one wants everyone to know what’s happened so I’m a bit alone with my thoughts on this. Has been great to see everyone’s thoughts in this forum so Thankyou everyone. I wish I could talk to someone that has been through it and came out the other end and see if you can ever truly move on.

[Bridge678]

I guess it’s just fear of staying and it happening again right now. Obviously there is no trust from me just yet so I’m feeling really crap about the future

[Juliet_84]

Hi Bridge678,

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this right now. Complacency is a common hazard with long-term relationships from both sides, in not showing partners the affection they need and also by taking partners for granted and the fact that they will be there. People are not perfect, they make mistakes, and I suppose that is what I would focus on if I was in your situation, was this a one-off out of character mistake from your partner or a flaw in their personality that is likely to be repeated. Given that you have had a 20-year relationship and their obvious remorse, it would seem that this was a mistake on their part. The second part is whether you can forgive them and learn to trust them again and move on. Because lets face it, no one wants to live in a relationship where you feel insecure, unable to trust your partner, and just unable to let it go. This will take time, and will be partially determined by how your partner deals with it (admits wrong doing, is transparent etc) but also your willingness to move on and accept that this has happened but does not define your 20-year relationship. You are already showing signs of compassion and understanding regarding how this could have happened rather than demonizing your partner which is a good sign. In this instance, time will tell but I think you have good prospects of surviving this if you both want that and are interested in making it work.

[geoff]

Hello Bridge, appreciate your replies to everyone and being in a 20 year relationship, we are able to know and what to expect from the person we're living with and what we may be able to get away with, without them knowing, that may be well and good in some circumstances, where the two of you can have a laugh about it later on, but cheating is a completely different story, it knocks the feet from under you.

It makes everything you've done in the last 20 years seem to be pointless because you're with a person who has broken your trust and uncertain of the future and whether this relationship can be rebuilt.

Only you can decide this, I'm sorry, and it's about, if you can once again trust him from all these years together and believe what he says.

Geoff.

[Learn to Fly]

Hi Bridge678

Thank you for your response. I hope this is not going to sound to harsh but maybe it wouldn’t hurt to consider the fact that you might never forgive him for what he did. Accept the fact that he did it, come to terms or a relative peace with it to be able to move on and continue the life together. Forgiveness works differently for us all. It might bring a relief to some, but it might also bring a feeling of being robbed of something because you might feel like you are giving more than you are receiving. All I am saying is see how you go, see how things develop between you and don’t put any expectations on yourself, nor let your partner to do so.
Thinking of you.

[Bridge678]

So I thought now that the waters have calmed a little I would come back and firstly say a huge Thankyou to everyone that took the time to reply to me when my whole world was crashing around me and secondly to give a clear headed update. After reading through the forum when I so needed answers I thought my update might just help someone else out there going through the same. So we have talked and talked and talked. What we have got it down to is both of us “loved” each other still always have but the “in love” part was missing. Neither of us was really listening to the other when they expressed how they were feeling and part of the not listening was because it was only expressed during periods of anger and with yelling. My husband didn’t feel loved and neither did I. We had not shared a bed for some time. We both spoke about why it got to that and how to listen to each other before it ends in frustration. We have both identified what needs to be worked on. He fully acknowledges that he handled things really badly. He’s shown regret from day one but up until a few days ago I felt that he was only regretting what he did and that he got busted and never seen remorse and after all the reading I had done I knew remorse was a big thing I needed to see. Couples counselling was not on the cards for us financially. I continued to read until I found a book that felt like the author was talking about us. My husband is not a book smart man but he agreed that we could read it together. I’ll also mention that in the 20 years of us being together I’ve seen him cry 3 times to this point. When a parent was terminally ill, when that parent passed and the morning after I discovered the affair. The morning after I believed was regret. So back to the book we sat down to read it, we agreed that we would just do a couple pages a night as he has the attention span of a gold fish. I hadn’t even got through the first page and he grabbed me, sobbing, I asked why he was and he finally said those words I can’t believe I could hurt you so bad, I should never have done this to you, I am so sorry for the pain I have caused you. We cried together we talked a little and that night was the first night I actually slept in 3 weeks it was like an enormous weight had been lifted from my shoulders. There is so much more I could talk about but I’m running out of character limit, if anyone out there has any questions, advice for me I am happy to hear it all. I still have a long road ahead.