how to deal with overprotective mother

David35 · ‎11-08-2023

The last 2 winters I have become sick, either from the flu or the cold. I'm an asthmatic so these issues which are usually no big deal, are a concern for me. So I usually end up with lingering coughs from inflamed airways, back strains from incessant coughing and occasionally trouble breathing (wheezing g). It's a generally miserable existence until I get better.

The problem is that because I live with my mother who is overly concerned for my welfare, it makes my life hell. If I cough, I get yelled at out of frustration because I'm not better. If I can't move properly because my back hasn't healed yet, she starts balling her eyes out. Basically I'm made to feel guilty for being sick. I know it's due to her caring nature but it just adds so much pressure that it's like walking on egg shells. I can't help the effects the viruses have on my lungs. Several times I've had to call locums. A few weeks ago I had a mild asthma attack which I've forgotten how frightening they are, especially when ventolin isn't working. Nevertheless, I'm always made to feel like I've done something wrong through no fault of my own, by simply getting sick.

Is this a parent thing? We lost my dad,mjer husband, 7 years ago and I know I'm all she has some days, but sometimes it can be suffocating. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with this?

white knight · ‎12-08-2023

Hi, welcome

mmm. I can see both sides and you likely also see your mums side too after all with your illnesses she fears the worst and couldnt bare to lose you. It could well be she panics. You might not be aware that the flu is a major illness and is only one step from pneumonia, hospitalization. There is just as much danger with Asthma etc.

Nevertheless her being a helicopter mum her anxiety seems out of control and there is not a lot you can do to lower that. Common means is - reassurance, meet with her regularly and discuss things "I'm ok so I'm going to do some study, if I cough a lot I'm ok so please dont run to my aid". Another safeguard is an alarm. If you possessed a safety alarm and told her you will operate it if you feel you are going downhill, that might ease her concern.

Your health issues are so serious that you might not be able to live alone in years to come so it is best to come to agreements now. Failing the above I'd ask her to accompany you to a GP when you do go and discuss the problem there, often a GP can address the issue better and has more effect when someone outside the family talks about it.

TonyWK

David35 · ‎12-08-2023

Thanks for your suggestions. I have a contingency plan in place when my asthma escalates, which has helped reassure her. I've had to stop reacting to her anxiety because otherwise it just snowballs. I think you're right. She just panics. The more I tell her what GPs have said regarding what to look out for, the more it reassures her. Especially typical periods of time to get over viruses. Thanks for your help.

white knight · ‎13-08-2023

Panic is an extension of anxiety of which I used to have. The "save the world" mentality is ingrown and not easily reversed. Accepting your mum will not change that is pretty much essential to your amicable future with her. It might mean reassuring her daily, encouraging her to go out and not stay home for you etc. Essentially you're at an age in life whereby, due to her anxiety you are compelled to look after her at times with her being so anxious.

Worry is not productive but it proves she loves you.

TonyWK

David35 · ‎14-08-2023

True bit it puts a strain on the relationship when I can't even drive down the road for an extra 5 minutes without her ringing me to see where I am. I am 46 for ... sake. She hugs me so hard that it is suffocating, so to speak.

white knight · ‎14-08-2023

Do you answer the call?

Peoples demeanour and character is inbuilt, fact is, you are not going to change that in her. So, you have to make changes yourself and get around it. If that means hurting her feelings by eg holding out your arm to prevent her hugging you and when she asks why "If you dont hug so tight its ok". Do it every time until it sinks in. I mean, her extremes arent your responsibility. However, be tactful.

At 46yo you'll always be her little boy. It's how some mothers are wired, not all, some. I assume you cant move out due to your illnesses. If you had no illnesses then moving out before 25yo would be a must.

TonyWK

David35 · ‎14-08-2023

Yes, I always answer. Otherwise it's worse in the long run. It's just fear because back in 1996 when I had an accident, she nearly lost me. But this fear is still with her day in day out. And it's something she's never got over. So she has become a prisoner to her own fears and then projects them onto me which makes life extremely claustrophobic. Yes, it's almost a codependency issue. I try and alleviate her fears and create boundaries but she just always defaults to the fear of losing me, probably made worse by the fact that she is so dependent on me now that dad is gone.