How to deal with my boyfriends mum who doesn’t like me

[Littleflip]

Hi everyone

my boyfriend and I have been together almost 6 months which I know is a short time but I’ve known him since I was a kid.___. I re met his mum within the first couple of weeks of us dating and when I did she didn’t acknowledge me which I didn’t think anything of at the time as it was after dinner and I figured she was tired from work and looking after her household so I just shrugged it off but in the past few months it hasnt gotten any better in fact the entire time I’ve been dating her son she has never said hello or goodbye to me.___. I was over one night waiting for my boyfriend to pack his stuff and i was left along with her and his young nephew in the lounge room when his nephew spilt his drink I turned around to his mum and said aw no his just spilt his drink is there a towel I can use to clean it up and she didn’t even look up so of course I just got up walked around her and grabbed the tea towel from behind her and cleaned up the spill.__. to make things a little worse she was at my best friends work one day when my best friend said hey you BFNs mum I’m bestfriendsname LFs best friend to which she replied with as yeah my kids know a lot of people.__. when I found out her response it hurt a little I’m not just someone her son knows I’m someone her son is dating.__. i raised my concern with my boyfriend asking him if I done something to up set her but he continues to deny it and say that’s just how she is.—.there have been a few other things that have happened but the thing that has pushed me over the edge was the other day.—. basically my BF and I have had a holiday planned for some time now and we’re due to leave in a couple of days but something has come up and he’s been asked to lol after his nephew on the day we are supposed to leave.—-. I understand that things come up and family is family but you can only rearrange things so much before they cannot be moved or changed.—. when my boyfriend told me this news I was upset we’d been planing this for a while now and it was all paid for only to be told he needs to do this.—. Both he and I were upset but when seeing his mother a few days later she made the worst blow of them all .—. My BF and I were close to her work so we stopped in to say hi which like always I was not acknowledged but I didn’t let it faze me as I’m kinda used to it now but anyway she made a commitment about how family comes first no matter who it is .—-. Hearing this has absolutely crushed me

[BballJ]

Hi Littleflip ,

Firstly, welcome to the forums. I am sorry to read what you are currently going through.

Dealing with your partners parents is always tough, it doesn't sound like you have done anything wrong by what you have said and it sort of sounds like she is just cautious about you, which I know isn't fair. I look at it from a point currently she hasn't said you cannot come over to the house which is a positive, has your boyfriend had other girlfriends in the past that may have done something to make her not trust any girl he is with? Just a thought as I would assume there is a reason. I think all you can do is when you see her, keep saying hello and good bye, even if she doesn't say it back, almost being the bigger person and trying to show it doesn't get to you. The holiday is a tough one too, does this mean you are out of pocket with the whole thing?

My best for you,

Jay

[bindi-QLD]

My partner and I went through that too. I put a lot of effort into her at first and I actually do love a lot of things about her. But she is very possessive of her son and had developed what I would call a `spouse-like' relationship with her son, which comes with a lot of strangeness, including sexual jealousy and competiveness on her part. She was a lonely single parent, and I think it came about because of that. There were a few times she made barely-concealed attempts to set my partner up with other girls, which really hurt my relationship with her.

Over the years, I started to put up some boundaries with her. As an example of a boundary that applies to your own situation, I wouldn't let her `pull rank' and ruin a holiday for the sake of asserting power over him. I would discuss it with my partner, and ask him to say `no' to her. No matter how hard it may be for him, those are skills he will need to learn out of fairness and respect for any girlfriend.

Anther boundary I have is I no longer visit her, and I only talk to her on the phone once a year or so. I think allowing her to see her son alone relaxed her a little bit for some reason. And perhaps the fact we've been together for 15 years, she's come to see I'm someone caring, who may be able to help care for her when she is old and vulnerable.

All that takes time and a lot of discussion with your partner. In the mean time, try to start some discussions with your boyfriend about what you feel is fair , and unfair, interference from his mother. Try hard to make him see that you understand his care for his family, but he needs to put you first if there is a power struggle between his mother and yourself. You are his number one and you worked hard to earn your holiday together.

And do consider that if you don't like his mother behaving rudely, you are under no obligation to spend time with her.