How to assist girlfriends mental health and improve relationship with her mum

[Jarrodvalley92]

Hi all, I much appreciate anyone who atleast reads or flicks a reply 😇

Im having an issue understanding my girlfriends anxiety and negative thoughts and also her relationship with her mum. They are very similar in personality which I find makes them clash at stressful situations.

Her mum to be briefly described, I get along with quite well. She has helped us a lot with our house when we renovated and any financial advise we needed as she’s a banker. Very smart and business driven, she comes across as a control freak towards me and my partner when it comes to literally anything we need to do. She never seems to be able to relax around us or simply come visit without talking about jobs we need to do around the house etc. Nearly everything we talk to her about has something to do with money or that we can’t afford this. Which creates many arguements between her and my partner.

Having that said that my partner gets often upset with the fact that it is impossible for them to see each other without argueing. We are also 6 weeks pregnant with our first baby and still haven’t told her parents because we’re both afraid for a negative response or that her Mum will not support it and be happy for us.

i spoke about this with my partner this evening, I said how I’m so over how her and her mother cannot both chill out, relax and just enjoy life because it’s so short and not worth living like that! Her response was “ I don’t enjoy life, I feel like I’m put on this earth to constantly please my mum.”

This obviously breaks my heart to here her say this. Especially being pregnant with our first child which I’m over the moon about. I however am quite a positive person, generally happy and find the light at the end of the tunnel whenever I deal with my own issues. But really am struggling to comprehend her mindset into saying things like that she isn’t happy.

I feel like the problem is between both her and her mum. My partner refuses to speak to a professional about this as she feels it won’t help because “they won’t understand, they don’t know us or care” and I know her mum would be offended if I told her that she stresses us out.

I just thought I’d give this a go if anyone out there has a similar issue or some general advice from one friend to another. It would mean the world to me

Regards, Jarrod

[Nick_E]

It's not always easy being a parent and Mum's can have it hard living up to the expectations of society. You need to take care of yourselves at this crucial stage in your child's development and ask Gran/Nan/Mum senior to be a part of 'staying chilled'. A very judgemental/negative elder can make the task of being a new parent extremely difficult. You may need to show your partner you can stand up and protect her from this criticism; just be careful as grandparents are very important in a child's life. I did not stand up to my parents and now my teenagers, the grandchildren, are now the ones suffering from the angst of trying to live up to their unrealistic expectations.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Jarrodvalley92,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for reaching out 🙂

I'm sorry that your girlfriend is struggling with her mum; it sounds like it's affecting all of you with this new baby, you wanting everyone to chill out, your daughter wanting to please her mum and her mum somehow unaware all of this is happening!

I think it's really important to try and validate what she's feeling even if you don't fully understand it. Your girlfriend doesn't quite see what you see and how life is short; instead she's in pain feeling like she's got to please her mum. Acknowledging that it hurts, that she's in pain and that it must be really hard to feel like that can go a long way.

It might even be worth suggesting the professional again - and of course they won't understand or know them, but that's also kind of the point. Having someone see your life from a total third party is sometimes weirdly refreshing. Maybe your girlfriend could brainstorm what she needs to feel better? She's certainly not put on this earth to please her mum; she's so much more than that.

I hope that this is somewhat helpful! I've had some difficult relationships with my parents too.

[Jarrodvalley92]

Hi nick I appreciate your advise mate, it’s definitely no walk in the park. I hope you work things our with parents someday soon, being family oriented is very important. Best regards

[Jarrodvalley92]

Thank you so much for your kind input. I already feel refreshed by talking to total strangers about what their thoughts are here!

I’m thinking of telling her mum when she gets home tonight. Calmly say that the fighting needs to stop, and that they both need to realise. Also tell her that we’re pregnant. There’s no perfect way of putting things so it’s tough for me to do it

Best regards