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How to approach someone who is afraid of commitment to ask for a second chance

alex_aw
Community Member

Hi all

My ex-partner ended our 3 month long relationship three weeks ago. We have 'broken up twice' However the first did not last long and he came back after two days, before breaking up again three weeks later. Part of me suspects that he suffers from relationship OCD as before the first and second break up, he mulled over the decision for a week and also described feeling paralysed by all his recurring loops of thought. He came back to me after his initial decision to end the relationship saying he would like to give it another try, however because of how he had just left me initially, I felt highly insecure and anxious. After two weeks, I did not know how to release my anxiety or insecurity in a functional way and I was extremely passive aggressive to him, indirectly sending him messages that he did not seem to love me and insinuating that perhaps he did not really want to be with me.I believe he ended up breaking up me the second time only because he was unable to break out of the obsessive thoughts of us eventually hurting each other as he could only focus on the negatives.

However, we share a great relationship outside of these issues - we share the same goals in life, we have great sexual chemistry, we care deeply for each other and while this does not mean it's perfect, we do have something good going outside of all of this.

I'm wondering if anyone has any experience of advice to offer regarding how I should approach him to reconcile the relationship and give it a second shot? I know where my mistakes were in this relationship (i.e. not managing my own insecurities that were based on my imagination) and I've been taking steps to manage this. I would really appreciate any advice as this is very new to me. I'm happy to provide more information about what he said/what happened in our relationship. Thank you!

2 Replies 2

smallwolf
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi Alex,

welcome to beyond blue.

I do not have any real experience or advice to give you. I can listen however. The ability to be able to unload or talk to another person about your thoughts and how you feel I think is important. And perhaps that wanting to be alone is related to not wanting to drag the other person in the relationship down with you? And after I wrote that I realise the potential of the other person acting as a support and helping to the left the other. It is sort of a mindset thing. I am just thinking out loud here - from the perspective of someone with depression.

From the other side (your side)... you got back together after breaking up, so it can be done again. What you do think will happen in the future? Is it worth thinking about? Can you both stay in the moment? These are mostly rhetorical questions.

It sounds to me like you want to reconcile and rebuild the relationship and something is stopping you.If you did not try to reconcile how would you feel?

What advice would you give a friend who told you this story?

Apologies for asking too many questions. The answer you are looking for is within you, and there are no right or wrong answers here. Regardless of what happens, you are worthy and deserving of having a relationship. Listening to you,

Tim

therising
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi alex_aw

You mention 'I know where my mistakes were in this relationship (i.e. not managing my own insecurities that were based on my imagination) and I've been taking steps to manage this.' Imagination is definitely a powerful thing and even more powerful when we use it to shape life in a positive way. For example, you imagine a particular future and set goals to achieve that future, bringing it into reality. You mention that you share the same goals, so this indicates that you have a shared sense of imagination.

So, with this said, can you approach him with the question 'What are the best, most exciting and adventurous things you imagine coming into reality in a relationship together?' I imagine you will be able to find simple common everyday goals through this process. Keeping in mind that what raises the energy of a relationship is often based on what we imagine we can share and then achieving the action that can stem from it. In other words, love becomes a verb, as opposed to a noun when we are actively loving someone. Through this process, we come to love our imaginative and playful self more and more over time. There is little room for fear when love is so active. We come to know our higher self because we're vibing so high. Even when relaxed, if our heart is in the best place, we still vibe high.

Exercising your imagination together might be the simplest way to get the ball rolling. By the way, if he's a little scared of long term commitment, base the exercises on the short term and then take it day by day until you can build up a kind of library of shared adventures to be achieved.

Take care 🙂