How should I move forward?
I've made or thought I made some ground lately with a sense of peace. Since then I've entered yet another extremely difficult relationship with a direct report at work. Initially I was avoiding doing it but after losing a close friend we connected as she comforted me. The person in question here pushed hard to initiate the relationship.
Since then it has been a rollercoaster of emotion with her letting me know she has social anxiety specifically around the thought of this. I feel like walking away is ridiculous as this is the first person I've had an emotional connection with like this in so long, but continuing to try is killing me.
Continuing to attempt to make this work is causing me stress, I don't know if I can talk to her about stuff or count on her for support nor where we stand any of the time.
In addition to this I run several companies, one of which is going through a very rough patch causing stress also. There are a number of family issues with my extended family with regards to health that I am also attempting to assist with.
I'm trying as hard as I can to be a rock for everyone I can and hold everything together but my sleeping has gotten more and more erratic, I've started to feel sick through the day and when eating, and I've been getting headaches.
Last night I bumped into this woman whilst catching up with some friends, I didn't know if I would be intruding if I went over so I left it up to her to come to me. She said she would but never did (shouldn't be a big deal).
After sitting there and wondering (for about 2 hours) if she would I realised that the only reason I was even still there was to see what she would do. Most the people I liked had left and I was now hanging out with mostly people I neither knew nor liked.
Welcome here to the Forum. It can be difficult to write to strangers, however we are here to both give (and receive) help for others.
I’d have to say that if you have ended a bad partner relationship a mere 18 months ago then I’d think it would be expected you would be having problems with trust and emotions now. Having a number of unsuccessful relationships since would not have helped, and may indeed by at least in part due to your breakup.
Reliance on alcohol is not good as you would know
The fact you started to find peace is excellent, may I ask what you put it down to? The fact things got worse again I presume is due to a fresh troublesome relationship, would that be right?
Trying to be the rock is not really practical, a helping hand on occasion is fine, but otherwise relationships of all sorts, including family, should have support going in both directions.
Poor sleep, nausea during the day, headaches and worrying overmuch about chance encounters may be signs that you are becoming far too stressed and may be starting to suffer a Mental Health condition as a result -it happens.
I’m no doctor, but some of what you say sounds like similar results I have due to an anxiety condition. Can I suggest you see a GP in an extended conversation and see what happens? I did not improve until I did this.
I hope to talk with you some more