How do you get over a relationship with someone with Narcissist Personality Disorder?

[Tiyani]

Just over 2 years ago I met this man who seemed to good to be true, he was charming, romantic and seemed sincere.  Our relationship was a rollercoaster ride, he would be amazing then simply stop contacting me for sometimes weeks, then he would return and be charming again.   The whole relationship was affecting me as I never knew where I stood or what it was but I guess I was desperate for the amazing man I met to come back and he did often, but not for long.  I never really felt a part of his life, I always thought he had another life of which I was never included.  Love is blind and I was it, a couple of times I saw things like text messages from woman, or emails from other women proclaiming love for this man.  He always had a great convincing excuse and told me I was being over sensitive.  His life was always about him and what was best for him, simple things like he made all the decisions never once asking what I would like, even silly things like what pizza to order or what movie to watch, these decisions were always made by him with no thought to what I may like.  Many times over this time I ended the relationship because I felt that it just was to hard, he would always come back proclaiming his undying love for me and stupidly I would take him back.  He was always a victim, everyone was jealous of him (according to him) they all wanted his car, his travels his life and due to this jealousy everyone was trying to make is life hard.  I never could understand that mentality but at times I felt sorry for him and made all the right noises.  This man was totally unable to display any sadness or regret for any of his actions towards me and always made me feel that if I hadn't done such and such then it wouldn't be like this.  I read about NPD and thought wow, this is describing my man perfectly.  I have since ended the relationship again as I realize its toxic and will never be what I dreamt it would be but I cant help but feel terribly sad and like a complete failure.  I was married for 14 years to a man who physically abused me yet I stayed.  I'm feeling like I'm flawed, like I'm worthless of someone that will love me for the person I am.  How do you get over this feeling?  How do you know you are strong enough to stay away from a man that you know in your heart is bad for your wellbeing?  How do you get the strength to get up and face the day with a smile on your face and confidence?  Right now I have no clue 😞

[Jacko777]

Hi Tiyani,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums. You have had some confusing and challenging times and based on what you have said I am glad you have ended this relationship. Have you visited a counsellor lately Tiyani? I think you could benefit a lot to talk this out with a professional who you comfortable with and develop some plans for your mental health in the future. I know you can feel better about this. It might help for a while to forget those things in the past that you cannot change and focus with love on the present moment, focus on what you can do for your self right now that is in your best interest. It takes practice! 

I think it is important to have awareness of your strengths, the things that you care about and are passionate about outside of a relationship. You could even write these things down, I do, so I can see and think about who I am, my family and friends, career, hobbies, passions, nature, music etc. I ensure that I have plans and that I am active in all parts of my life and that gives me strength when one part is challenged.

Talk any time.

Jack

[TeenaW]

Hi Tiyani,
I have just had to make the heartbreaking decision to leave someone like this. I have made a commitment to a close friend to send her a text or photo of something positive I am doing for myself every day. That way I am accountable and I have to do it. It is just something small but it seems to be working, thought I would share.

[PrincessPanic]

Wow! This all sounds so familiar. It's so sad to read all your stories yet in a way I'm grateful for stumbling upon your experiences also. I also never thought I would meet such a person and didn't know what narcissistic/mysoginist/gaslighter personality. I've just come out of 2 years also with this type of person and just wanted it to be like it was in the beginning. However 3 months in and I knew this wasn't the one and tried to leave many times. More so after he was caught out sending innapropriate photos on social media of himself. Unfortunately I believed all the lies and promises and stories and was manipulated into staying because "if you loved me you wouldn't leave" "if you loved me, you would move closer to me". This turned out to be 2 hours from the CBD and after moving he moved in a week later and 4 days in left. Was all too much aka there was another person in the back ground who he had been eyeing off for a couple of months. But it was me that was crazy and it was all in my head. Luckily I was strong this time round and when he said he made a mistake I said NO! As hard as it is being alone I'm grateful for getting out alive and don't need the fear of having a fist in my face to instill fear ! 

Love yourselves ladies and gents and be safe