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How do i talk to this girl who is guarded and looks for all of the males flaws

Community Member

I’ve had this crush on this girl for so long now.

But she’s obviously a guarded type and finds flaws in all guys she talks/interacts with

I know I can be good for her (going off past interactions and conversations with her). We have got along so well, like a house on fire!

but now I’ve made it clear I kinda want something more and now I want to break this barrier that’s between us and I know generally once women have had bad experiences it’s hard to for them to try again, but I really like to think I’m the type of guy that’s different and will treat her right

She has mentioned in the past she wants a partner but now that the opportunity is here for her, she’s not so keen.
so my question is, how do i tackle this situation with this girl? I believe the strongest competition I have.. is herself?

2 Replies 2

Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi herefortheforums,

I can identify with this girl that you speak of so much, so hopefully I can give you some good advice 🙂 she is finding fault in others so as to create distance, so that she doesn’t have to commit. No one will ever live up to her impossible ideals and so she never has to face her fears around intimacy. I have a fear-avoidant attachment style, and she sounds very similar. This attachment style means that the person craves intimacy but due to past traumas or experiences is also terrified of getting close to people because they’ve learnt that those you love also hurt you. The number one thing that I look for in a partner is consistency/reliability - someone who shows up when they say they will, answers your messages when you texts, is there for you when you need them, doesn’t flake on you. Don’t play games with her. This will make her feel secure and that she can trust you and not trigger any feelings of abandonment. If you both go out and have a good time be prepared for her to withdraw for a few days afterwards - the closeness may scare her. Don’t overwhelm her during these times, give her the space she needs but still also let her know you are there. My partner was able to break through my barriers by just not letting me push him away, I tried so hard to push him away but he just stayed, didn’t let himself get pulled into all of it, and reassured me and I eventually allowed myself to relax into it. It’s funny, because even while I was pushing, all I wanted was for him to stay and say that he loved me and that he wasn’t going anywhere. But we are just so scared. There may be a lot of barriers at the start, but the good thing is that once you make it through all of that, she will be more devoted to you than you could ever imagine. So I would say consistency and reassurance are the best way to tackle your problem.

Community Champion
Community Champion


Juliet has written a detailed and Helpful reply .

I will not repeat what she wrote but

take it slow

give her space

give her time

let her set the pace

show her you can be trusted

I wish you all the best.