How do I let go?

[Nene]

How do I stop wanting to contact me husband and son. It is clear they both don't want anything to do with me. Neither will answer their phones. My husband is going to visit my son and grandchildren for a couple of days. I want to be in a space where it doesn't matter. I have to accept that the situation is what it is. I just am finding it hard to get to that place where it doesn't matter and doesn't hurt.  How is it though when they say and do really hurtful things that they cut off contact? In a general sense, why do people do that?

[Jacko777]

Hi Nene,

This sounds like a tough situation Nene, switching off from people that you have such a strong connection with can't be easy. Perhaps diversion might be a key? I guess you can only accept the situation if you believe that you have done all you can. If you have tried to rectify the situation then you can tell yourself that you have done all you can and you refuse to lose any more energy to something that you cannot change, this will take practice and the more you do it the more natural it will become I think. Then, find a diversion, find something that you love that makes you happy, something you are passionate about and spend your time there.

Perhaps people cut off contact when they know they have done wrong and don't want to be confronted about it?

Hang in there mate, go and do something for your self and forget about this for a while. Hugs from me, talk any time.

Jack

[pipsy]

Hi Nene.  If we were equipped with a 'turn off' button on our memory without having Alzheimers/Dementia, life would be a breeze.  Unfortunately, the only way we do forget is when we do have the previous mentioned problems.  When you feel at your worst, try reading a book or watching some ridiculous nonsense on t.v.  I find, personally, when I feel angry or resentful, I 'lose' myself in that way.  Luckily for me, I have a volunteer job too.  When I'm working, I find I forget what I was angry about in the first place.  By the time I get home, I'm too tired to dwell on what made me angry.  Have you thought about doing volunteer work.  The satisfaction you get from helping others makes you feel really good about yourself.  

Sorry I can't wave a magic wand to fix your problems with your son & DIL.  I'm sure that will sort itself out, too. 

Keep in touch with the forums, even if it's just to 'vent'.

[Nene]

Thank you Jack. What you said is comforting. Hugs back.

[Nene]

Hi Pipsy, I agree about volunteering. I'm also looking for some paid work too. Good to be able to vent on here. 

[Nene]

Hello well I have really made a fool of myself this week. I've contacted my son, my husband and my husbands new girlfriend. I have become what I never wanted to be. It all got too much. I apologised to my son and to my husband and I asked my husband to reconcile with me. But he was with his girlfriend and told me it was never going to happen. He was kind of gloating and angry. I feel as though I took a good man and destroyed him over the years. I have to come to terms with myself and what they say I have done. I'm struggling to feel as though I did anything good. When it broke down with my son and his wife 18 months ago, my husband knew what they had said and done. I didn't handle it well. I said cruel things in retaliation. Well I guess I've got what I deserve. I did feel very bad on Thursday night and I did contact BB and my doctor and am now in touch with mental health support. I would just like to get some relief from constantly thinking about this. I have managed to shower today and help my sister and put some washing on. I have to find a way of pushing through the night and tomorrow.

[Paul]

Hi Nene,

Thanks for coming back to the forums to express how you feel about contacting your son and husband. We're here to help and listen through all stages of difficulty.

I was recently dating someone who I fell in love with. Then it ended. It hurt like hell! No amount of saying to myself or others that it wasn't right anyway, that this was a good thing that it happened now instead of later, all sorts of things to try and push this person out of my mind or hate them didn't work.

I had to give in to the emotions and let them take their course because they are a natural reaction to losing someone important - Grief.

I wonder if you might be experiencing grief, it's painful, has us do things that may not be the right thing to do, has us desperately sad, really angry, blaming ourselves, making pacts and wondering if it was us and that if only we had done something differently we wouldn't have broken what we had.

From the menu at the top of this page choose "The facts" then "Grief and loss"

There are great resources there that may help and suggest some ways to get through this difficult period.

Look after yourself - that's most important at the moment.

Paul xx

[pipsy]

Hello Nene.  You poor thing, what a smack in the face.  You did what a lot of people in your situation have done.  You reached out, took the blame, then kicked yourself.  May I say, it's not your fault.  Your husband left you for another woman instead of trying to work things out.  You did not destroy a 'good' man.  His attitude destroyed him.  We are not responsible for the way others act, a lot of people go around apologizing when the sun doesn't shine.  So sorry for what happened with your son and DIL too.  Obviously your husband has said things to them to cover for his behaviour.  The way your husband is behaving makes me wonder how long this relationship will last too.  However, getting some counselling will help you cope with the grief and anger.  Anger is part of grief, there are several stages of grief.  Everything Paul says is right about grief.  One thing that would help you is: forgive yourself for reaching out to the wrong person, your ex.  We build up in our mind the way we'd like to believe certain things will turn out.  When it doesn't, it hurts.   You did nothing wrong, please believe me on that.  Your ex is in the wrong.  I'm hoping, with help, you will get past this and start to believe in yourself.  You sound a really caring person with a lot of love to give to the right person.  I'm hoping one day you will meet a man who is appreciative of everything you offer. 

Best wishes with the counselling.

[Jacko777]

Hi Nene,

Paul makes some good points Nene, maybe this grief has to run its' course. Try hard to focus on the moment, what can you do right now to divert your attention? You have done what you can to try and right the wrongs, now it's time to look to the future, do something in this moment that will shape where you are headed. I don't doubt that this is a difficult time for you however you have learnt much about your self, you have grown, this is a positive if you can take the lesson on board and move forward.

It takes practice to stop negative unwanted thoughts but you can certainly do it. I practice putting unwanted thoughts in a pigeon hole in my mind, I tell my self that I am being positive and I will not deal with this negative thought right now, I pigeon hole it for a later appropriate time. It's like meditating, just keep pulling your self up and switch to a positive thought/action and with practice it becomes more natural.

So most important Nene is what you can now divert your attention to. Perhaps it is time to examine your passions and ambitions, write them down, make some new goals for your self, bring it back to some small steps you can take today. Then whenever you have negative thoughts and you can pull your self up you can divert your attention to these goals, the things you have decided are important, give it your best shot.

All the best mate, hugs to you.

Jack

[Nene]

Thank you Pipsy, Jack and Paul. I can't begin to tell you how much your replies have helped me.