Hit rock bottom!

[weapingtears]

Seven years ago i had the unfortunate luck of finding out my wife had cheated on me while away on an event. While it was a depressing and extremly hard time ( I think i was frightned of what could happen if we parted), i got over it and moved. While she promised not to go on this event again. At some some stage in the next yea i was home feeling unwell with the kids while she went up the road for drinks for a friends send off. An hour become hours and eventually she arrived home and i could smell it on her. She confessed she had been with someone. Again in fear for myself i guess i let it go and moved on. Now to be fair to her here. This is where I now did something stupid. I think out of spite hurt i dont know. She found out and i thought she was going to leave me, it neally killed me. Eventually we passed over that and a couple of years went passed uneventful. She went away to do a course for five days but tweaked my concern was when she wanted to back for a refresher course a few months later. I was worried! Two days later i receive a call from an irate "wife", she had found text meassges on her husbands phone and when quizzed said they (my wife and him had intimate encounter). Again my heart sunk like the titanic, but again i was scared of what may happen if i didnt let it go. Slowly we have got back to some sort of normal life until two years again my wife wanted to go back to the "Event". I agreed but but my concerns very clear and she assured me nothing would happen etc. To my best knowledge nothing did she was very loving with texts etc pics and phonecalls for the two week period. As we were under the pressure financially last year she did not attend but went again this year. Now she was very cold from the minute she left, barley spoke on the phone to me ignored most of my messages and two days before she come sent me a message and says oh at the end of the month there is no money left.... I fear she has gone a had an affair again while away and blames me for our financial situation. As iam a primary producer our income is all and sometimes nothing. We have fought for the last few days she hasnt come near me since she returned. She is hiding her phone messages from me which i suspect are from "someone". Last night she says she wants it over she cant be here anymore! Iam devastated for me but for our two children who dont deserve this to happen. I just dont know if i have anything left........

[AGrace]

Hi Weeping tears,

Welcome to the forums. I'm terribly sorry for what you have been and still are going through. It's really brave of you, when you feel there's nothing left, to reach out for help. I hope here you will at least find support and find the hope and strength to keep going.

Your marriage has endured a lot of heart ache, and by the sounds of it mostly out of fear rather than reciprocated love. The one thing that you need to do now is take some time to grieve. Not just for the fact that your relationship is over, but for all the times you lost your wife to another. It's one of the most difficult experiences to go through, but you will come out the other side. 

Are you seeing a Dr or therapist at the moment? If not, then I think this would be a very worthwhile step to take. If you need help finding a GP, Beyondblue has an extensive list on their website. A GP will be able to refer you to a Psychologist, and s/he will be able to take you through the grieving process, and help with strategies of how to let go, and how to find you as an individual, now that you are no longer a couple.

With regards to your children, as a child my father cheated on my mother (too many times to count), as much as we were told what was happening, it was a very difficult time. The most difficult thing was not my parents separating, it was my mum taking him back each and every time. Children just want stability. They don't mind if they have parents who are not together, they just want to feel loved. The one thing I wish my sisters and I received from my mum was her support and the acknowledgement that we were being impacted by this too. Instead my mum had a nervous break down, us girls were left to fend for ourselves, and every time we grew to hate our father, we'd have to welcome him back again. Your job is just to be their father, continue to love them, and as hard as it is put them first.

I know you mentioned that you have been arguing for the past couple of days. Have the children been home at this time? Children don't like to hear their parents fighting, so I think make the choice for the children to stay with a relative while you and your partner sort things out, or agree to speak with one another in a civil manner.

It will take some time for you to feel ok with this, but honestly if there is no trust in a relationship then it's not worthwhile.

I know there's so much more to discuss but I'm running out of characters, I do hope we hear back from you.

AGrace

[weapingtears]

No i have never sought professional help. I have always kepted my secrets to myself but this time round iam all alone. We have not fought recently in front of our kids, as one is at boarding school so trying not to let on to him as this could terrifying for him. And we just havent been speaking while our daughter is around but iam sure she will cotton on. Wife has taken her and gone stayed with friends tonight. Iam truly hoping it wont be over and we can work it out. Iam i being stupid? Maybe, what have i done so terribly wrong in the past?

[AGrace]

Do you think you could seek some professional support? I know we like to keep our dirty washing in our own back yard, but suffering on your own just isn't worth it.

How old are your children if you don't mind me asking?

If you truly want to repair things with your wife, that is entirely your choice, and no you are not stupid. I didn't get to add that my parents are just about to celebrate their 41st wedding anniversary...so it is possible. I guess some people are more willing to forgive than others, and forgiveness is a very powerful quality to have.

What have you done so terribly wrong in the past? I'm guessing you mean why do I deserve this? Sadly your wife's actions probably have nothing to do with you, and everything to do with her. I'd say you don't deserve this at all, no one ever does - and yet still we have a 50% divorce rate.

I know you mentioned you are on your own tonight, which I hope will give you a bit of breathing space. It's important to try to get some sleep too. If you are really struggling through the evening don't hesitate to contact BB's call centre, or webchat is available until midnight. Some of us on the forums stay up late, but you may not get an immediate reply if your feeling lonely at 2 in the morning, so it's good to have some back up options.

No matter what you decide, I truly hope you get what you are wanting. Keep us posted.

AGrace

[weapingtears]

Thank you, you seem like a special person yourself. 41 years does give me some hope, glad you mentioned that bit!! I just rung to say goodnight to my daughter and got an extremly cold response from the wife! I dont think in reality its what i want as in my wife and i, i think its more i want to keep my kids from feeling any upset in their lives.

LOL no i wont be up at 2 in the morning...

[geoff]

dear Weepingtears, I can understand exactly what you are going through, but firstly can I totally agree with you about Amber, she is a very special person and responds to so many people who want to tell us their despairs, depression and situations like yours, as her dad was doing the same, so she is a great friend for you to talk to.

My wife was doing the same but never admitted to it, it's just that I caught her ringing someone fro a public phone and who she said she was ringing was rubbish, plus she stayed a night out, saying that she was working.

We are now divorced but still contact each other, but it's your post that needs to be replied to.

You have your children to protect, but by her taking your daughter away for maybe a night or probably more is not healthy for her, as she will start to ask questions, and while she is with her mum then it's going to one sided only, but she will be asking so many questions and become very confused.

Your wife has done the wrong thing, and I would presume that it has being going on longer than you know, which is obviously devastating for you, but from experience I have to say that the marriage is in jeapordy, and I know how heartbreaking this is to you and the children, but if by chance you got back together her attitude towards you will be very cool and arguments will happen.

I'm sorry that I have to give you my opinion, but once unfaithful, always unfaithful.

My ex moved out and moved down to Melbourne, 2 hours away, but had already being seeing someone else before we got divorced, and she is a practising Catholic.

I hope that I haven't taken any hope away from you. Geoff.

[AGrace]

Hi wt,

Well it appears as though you slept through the night?

I know you don't want your children to have to deal with any difficulties in life. But is the challenges, hurdles, obstacles, and mistakes they face that will teach them resilience. Resilience is such a powerful quality to possess. Sadly they won't ever learn to get back up again if we never let them fall in the first place.

I'm also predicting that your children probably already know something is up, given your wife has been in this scenario many times before. Even your son at boarding school will be able to pick up on vibes over the phone.

I think you and your wife need to come to a decision, otherwise you are only delaying the inevitable. What will help your children go through the process, should you chose to separate, is for you and your wife to maintain a level of respect for one another, and to explain to them exactly what's happening. The saddest thing you can hear from your child is "I hate you, why didn't you tell me?"

AGrace

[Magyarok]

Hello WT,

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through, this is obviously very difficult and understandably heartbreaking for you.  I'm glad that you have reached out to the BB community and you have received some good support and advice from Amber and Geoff.

I think that the issue of cheating and why people in committed relationships cheat can be either simple or complex depending on the situation.  Cheating can be either a cause of problems in a relationship or it can be a symptom of things that have already gone wrong in that relationship.  Cheating can also be because of individual issues or because of issues with a partner. There can be many reasons! I hope this makes sense?

I think in your case Amber is right in saying 'that your wife's actions probably have nothing to do with you and everything to do with her'.  So therefore your wife's actions are most likely because of her own individual issues.

I think your actions are very admirable, selfless and courageous in that you have accepted her back and have tried everything to make things work for your marriage and your kids.  You have shown true commitment and unconditional love for your wife and it is her loss that she has not reciprocated your love.

I'm afraid that as this has happened multiple times and that you have accepted her back each time that unfortunately this has become a pattern and she'll just continue to do it in the belief that you will take her back.  That is unless she takes some committed steps to address the individual issues that she obviously has through couples and individual counseling.

It's up to you and your wife if you continue with your marriage or not.  But please remember as Amber said you deserve every right to grieve for your marriage and to process your memories, thoughts and emotions.  You have every right to seek help and support to aid you through this process and to have a support network around you and you have every right and you deserve to be happy again and to move forward with your life.

As for your kids again Amber is right in saying the current situation provides instability which impacts on them.  Greater stability can be provided if the seperation is amicable.  If you do go down the line of seperation i would also suggest seeking a court order to establish access rights etc.

I'm running out of characters but WT whatever you decide to do is your choice.  I wish you the very best and my thoughts are with you. Take care!

ignoP  

[weapingtears2]

Hi guys I am back, forgot log in details so now iam version 2. Its been 8 months now since we first brokeup officially, does it get any easier? I have suspected that the ex has been seeing someone else even before our official breakup, but was confirmed last weekend she was on a weekend date. The sickly feeling in the pit of my stomach that she was with someone else. I find myself asking her questions about her date (oviously she isn't saying),Is it wrong that I feel like I need to know who and what she did? I am constantly checking her facebook page looking for anything that may give any details. She seems to have moved on as she removed every photo out of 1000 that contained me in it. I am looking just to see when she was last online. I resorted to asking her for reconciliation a couple of weeks ago. Some of you will think iam mad considering what she has done to me. But I do love this women wholeheartedly. When will I start to move on? Does the pain in the heart go away? Iam dreading August when the official divorce will come to see her drop my surname will be devastating I just know it. I guess you could say iam weak iam not coping very well. Having moved away I have lost all friends I had, my current working hours are hell so I seem to come home eat and sleep then go to work again. There is no social life, so I tend to sit on the past. When is it time to get out there find a new partner, I feel like I would be betraying the children to find a new partner, would a new partner ever be as good as the women lost.

[Cymru]

Hello WeapingT, I'm sure you're feeling hurt and upset. Which as the other posters have said is normal. And yes, you will get over it much sooner than you expect. I am probably the wrong person to offer you advise in this matter. This is because I'd never give too hoots if my partner had a sexual relationship with anyone else. One an order of 1-10 with life problems, I'd give it a 3 maybe 4. I have been chastised by female friends whose partners have had affairs that I don't understand. Perhaps not. Firstly,I've always had too many female friends. I regularly hang out with them, visit, stay at their homes, travel, whatever.But I'm quite Affair proof as my friends would never bother with someone who was in a relationship - to my regret. Secondly, I've been in a relationship longer than my siblings put together. I just lack continuity. I'm somewhat mad so being with me is a strain. Being rejected doesn't hurts much after the 3rd or 4th time. Third, I have 3 sons. What I found hurt most was when my former wife discouraged them seeing me. I didn't see my oldest son for 2 or 3 years at one stage. Forth, even that paled into insignificance when my former wife died (breast cancer). I hated our arguments over our children, but I never wanted to raise them without her. Fifth, I wonder these days if our middle son would still be alive if I had somehow avoided the conflict. But a few months ago, when he came to stay with me feeling distressed, I had settled him into bed, trying to help him sleep. Within in a short time I was placing him with his mother in the same grave.
My advise  WeapingT is thatin your next relationship (and there will be soon enough) remember, you don't own your partner. You only get choose to be considerate and caring toward them, and if it isn't working, you leave. They are you only two choices. Goosh, I'd leave anyone in flash who sought to tell me who I could be friends with, visit or phone. My phone would be an insidious trap for anyone who looked at it as it full of endearing messages from my female friends. Most of my partners have care little about such. My maddening demeanor is more than enough.
I wish you well. We need good primary producers and it is a hard but wonderful life.