Hi, my name is Pipsy and I am nearly 64. I've been married nearly 25 years and I'm so fed-up and down in the dumps. Can anyone help? please.

pipsy · ‎30-10-2014

I was abused my by own family as a child and now I feel as though it's starting again. My husband knows about my past but says I have to 'rise above it', easy for him. His parents have been very nasty to me and I feel everytime he visits them (often), he's rewarding them for hurting me. I've tried to explain this to him, but he 'switches' off. What can I do to overcome this 'betrayal' feeling?

pipsy · ‎20-11-2014

Hi Geoff. You're right L's parents do have domination over him. He was telling me about his first wife and how they totally disliked her. They also totally disliked his girlfriend he had after his marriage broke down. His mother doesn't like any of the spouses his brothers and sisters have. I'm not sure about his father. One sister in-law in N.Z has said his parents are not welcome any more. His father did a job for us a few years ago and when I asked him a question about the job, he said, can't tell you, then you'll know what I know. He has a problem about women knowing more than him. L says it's a joke, not funny to me, what do you think. I said the queen knows more than him. Got told off for being rude. Could he do her job, doubt it. L is trying to be a good husband to me, unfortunately, too little too late. When it comes to the crunch, he will still stick by them. If I leave, they will say to him: see I told you so, she's unstable, she should be on medication. I will not give them that satisfaction. They can go to Hell. They will die eventually, by then I will have a life of my own, he will turn to me. Heaven help him. Do I sound bad, don't mean to. Feel sorry for him, but don't have love feeling for him. Will keep seeing my councilor. L. Pip

pipsy · ‎21-11-2014

Hi Geoff. Had a fairly nice day out yesterday with L. Went on a lunch cruise. You're right about his parents giving him a hard time if he doesn't keep in touch. When I used to go with him, as we were leaving, mummy would say, when are you coming back. I think it's hard for him to see them through other eyes because he's been brought up with it and accepts it as 'norm'. Some people realize as they get older that other family's are different and the way they've been brought up might not necessarily be the right way. If you've been raised with violence, I think as you travel and meet other people, you realize that violence isn't 'normal' in other family's. I'm going to the movies today. Quite grateful that L is with them actually. He's bending over backwards to try to please me at the moment, but because I don't feel much, it's not making any difference to me. I feel it's a case of 'too little, too late'. I feel rather sorry for him because it's taken him so long to see what he's thrown away. Maybe one day I might 'return' to him, but for now, he's theirs. By the way, do you smoke? Just curious actually, I don't, never have done. If I leave him, they will have a field day. I can just hear them: told you she was unstable, she should be back on her medication, blah, blah. Why give them that satisfaction. He'll grow up one day. L Pip

pipsy · ‎22-11-2014

Hi, boy I must've been in a really low mood. Looking back at the previous letters, I've repeated myself about what they'd say if I left L. I really enjoyed the movie, going again tomorrow. I'm actually feeling a lot better since deciding to 'let L go to his parents'. The lady over from us told me her husband used to 'put her down' verbally all the time. When I told L, he was less than impressed. What a joke, his father is exactly the same about women, but he doesn't hear that. He went for lunch with them yesterday and daddy had a 'go' at him for wanting to use salt on his lunch. He seems to get a 'kick' out of baiting them. I don't know what is said about me, and I couldn't care less, anymore. He said his niece wanted to contact me but was afraid of what I'd say to her. That doesn't make sense. She was our bridesmaid. Her and I always got on well before. His parents never ring here anymore, apparently they're scared to. What a lot of rubbish. What's he saying to the family. I'd say it's mummy with a bit of help from daddy and L. He can't be very emotionally supportive toward me behind my back, if that's what's going on. To Hell with the lot of them. I know I can count on Beyond Blue and my councilor. I'm not that bad, am I? Luv P.

geoff · ‎23-11-2014

dear Pipsy, no your a lovely person, and from you have said it doesn't surprise me what L's mummy and daddy would feel about any lady who has been with him, and now they are no different with you, they must be so mean and horrible, and I'm sure that their comments would be also be more much critical, boy, I wouldn't have anything to do with them, which is what you are doing, so that's great.

He spends more time with them, I'm sure they would tell him off for the clothes he wears or whether he needs a hair-cut.

He is living 2 lives, 1 under their control and 2 being 2 faced with you, so you could never ever trust what he says or what he will do, and I could go on.

What ever you say to him it will go straight back to mummy/daddy, so he would be untrustworthy, so you have to imagine that he's not there living with you, because eventually that's what is going to happen.

I wonder whether mummy would allow him to buy your share of the house, and by saying this you have to just forget about them, because they will say what they want, who cares if he gives you half and then divorce him, sorry only thinking to get you away from all of this c*****p.

Any luck with your photo, talk soon. L Geoff. x

pipsy · ‎24-11-2014

Hi Geoff, thank you for your compliment to me. I have been to Centrelink earlier this year to see what my financial situation is, should I leave. I am entitled to a benefit, not much though. I would have to supply all of L's bank details, plus his salary, etc. I don't have access to them, he keeps all records on his computer and I don't know the passwords. His parents are not able to help him financially, they are pensioners themselves, although his father does the odd job round the village where they live. It is all 'under the table', though. I have bought myself a single bed and put it in the other room, L asked what I was doing and I said it was too hot to sleep with him (I don't want to anyway, but that avoids arguments). I don't care what he tells them about our arrangement. Yesterday I spent the day with a neighbor and had a ball. L was home when I got home but he didn't say anything, neither did I. I'm going out with the neighbor again this week. I'm actually quite happy to live as flatmates. This way I have a home in a village where I'm happy. If L doesn't like it, that's his problem. I haven't done the photo yet, been busy with the neighbor. She's widowed and her and I have a great time laughing over a few drinks. L goes back to work next week, yah. Hear from you soon, L Pip.

geoff · ‎25-11-2014

dear Pipsy,I've lost touch with centrelink as their policies change all the time, however I have been on a disability pension for awhile since '97, but if you told them that you are leaving because your under duress and don't communicate with him and it's impossible that he will would give you any information.

Well it's really a separation so surely they wouldn't expect you to be able to get his salary details.

Enjoy yourself with your friend, it's well overdue to relax and have some fun, cheers. L Geoff. x

pipsy · ‎25-11-2014

Hi Geoff. I have just discovered there is a rep from Centrelink coming to our village tomorrow. L is going you-know-where, so I'm going to ask about my situation. My neighbor is also going to talk about her problems with widow's pension. I see my councilor next Tuesday, so I'll also talk about my options with her. L has said no more about seeing a councilor, luckily I wasn't holding my breath, ha. He has to go to the skin clinic next week. If I ask the right questions to L, I can find out a little bit about our bank details, but I have to be careful how I ask. There are all sorts of passwords, but all I need to do is put it in such a way that if anything were to happen to him, I need to know how to access everything. Talk about the secret life of Walter Mitty. Let you know what happens. L Pip

geoff · ‎26-11-2014

dear Pipsy, good luck. L Geoff. x

pipsy · ‎26-11-2014

Hi Geoff. Well, what a kick in the bum that was. Basically I have to present all L's bank statements, wages, outgoings and income before they will even look at my situation. There is no longer any difference between separation and divorce as far as finances go. I will only get half whatever our assets are worth at the time I leave. We only paid a small amount for the house, half of that won't even get me a month's rent. On top of that I still have to buy furniture as I'm only entitled to some. If I take the washing machine (for instance), he has to have enough to buy another one. I still need money for power, gas (domestic) petrol for my car. I may not get financial aid from L as I chose to leave. I can't claim leaving under duress because he hasn't ordered me out, it is my choice. He is not violent, he does not drink, financially I am better off staying put. Okay, he loves his parents, so what, I could be worse off, that's what the rep said. All I can do is keep going to my councilor. I can't get work as I have no skills, I doubt I'd get a pension as I'm not 65 and I'm not taking any anti- depressants. My Dr would have to sign a form saying I'm medically unfit for work and I doubt he would, he wouldn't even listen. I feel quite depressed, I won't take anything. Apparently, L is a wonderful man. Pip

geoff · ‎27-11-2014

dear Pipsy, as they say in the classics, 'oh bum', however ' if there's a will there's a way'.

It's still a good idea on what you said about getting his salary details if something happens to him, but you may have to pin him down before he has a chance to go back to mummy, because we both know what she will say, but it's a reasonable request, because if something did happen at home mummy wouldn't know about it.

I would probably think that he will say to you that, guess who, will have all the details, but that won't suffice, because if she's not there then that won't help, because a decision would have to made by you.

Have you thought about changing your doctor, as I would consider doing this.

Keep talking to me if you want to. L Geoff. x