Hi, my name is Pipsy and I am nearly 64. I've been married nearly 25 years and I'm so fed-up and down in the dumps. Can anyone help? please.

pipsy · ‎30-10-2014

I was abused my by own family as a child and now I feel as though it's starting again. My husband knows about my past but says I have to 'rise above it', easy for him. His parents have been very nasty to me and I feel everytime he visits them (often), he's rewarding them for hurting me. I've tried to explain this to him, but he 'switches' off. What can I do to overcome this 'betrayal' feeling?

pipsy · ‎14-11-2014

Hi Geoff. Pipsy here. Sorry to hear your conversation with your ex was so unsatisfactory. Unfortunately it sounds as though she's made up her mind about you and nothing is going to change that. Spouses don't usually say sorry if they believe they're right. L is exactly the same. It wouldn't matter whether you're a social drinker or not, her opinion will never change because she still sees what you were, rather than what you've become. My councilor appointment is Tuesday, providing my G.P does the referral. Our holiday was about what I expected, so I wasn't too upset. He rang parents twice and texted sister once. He wants me to visit parents next Thursday, doubt it. I will have to take all their crap and not defend myself. He will promise them I won't 'play up'. I reckon if they dish out crap, they should be able to take it. Respect goes both ways, if they won't respect me, why should I respect them. Getting back to your ex. Please don't be offended, but it sounds as though you go round in circles with her. I still feel stronger than L in that I don't really need family, I would rather have nice friends. An old saying: you can pick your friends, you can't pick family. Have a nice weekend. Hear from you soon. L Pip.

geoff · ‎14-11-2014

dear Pipsy, what he said to his parents 'He will promise them I won't 'play up' is really pathetic, if he respected and loved you there is no way this should ever have been said, and yes if they hand out crap then you they have to have it back.

I totally agree that my ex will never change her attitude regarding me, as we have been divorced for 12 years, sorry this time is losing perspective, it might a year more, but that doesn't matter, she will never change, and particularly it doesn't bother me.

I can see the change in you since posting on here and talking to us, because your strength and acceptance has totally changed all for the better, which also means that you are becoming a much stronger person.

I hope that you can see this, because as an outsider it's beginning to shine.

Please I would really love for you to keep in touch because it can be a long journey, we all know this. L Geoff. x

pipsy · ‎14-11-2014

Hi Geoff. Just tried talking to L about his parents. He still says it's up to me how I treat them. I have decided not to visit them because nothing has changed as far as L is concerned. I may not even keep the councilor's appointment if my G.P hasn't done the referral. That was really for L's benefit anyway. He reckon's he will only go to counciling if I go. That shouldn't come into it. After visiting my aunt and cousin, unfortunately I feel my relations are better than his. Doesn't that sound schoolish. You know: my rellies are better than his. If he refused a drink of tea or biscuit, my rellies would respect that. His parents ignore my refusal and question it. I have just about lost all feeling for L, I will stay here, just live separately as much as I can. If we separate I won't get enough to start again, so I can't afford to leave. I am feeling a lot stronger than I was. Yes, I will keep in touch, I really enjoy talking to you. You help me keep my sanity. I did join a church, someday I will tell you about it. Didn't get much joy out of it. Luv P.

geoff · ‎15-11-2014

dear Pipsy, thanks I had to have a small laugh to myself, not about you, but about L.

If you asked L what the temperature was going to be would he ask his parents and agree with them.

Interesting you say that you didn't enjoy the church, and I would like to know why, so please tell me if you want, but I'm couldn't more happier that you know you are much stronger.

Talk soon. L Geoff. x

pipsy · ‎15-11-2014

Hi Geoff. Funny you should say that about whether L would consult his parents about the weather. He probably would, he asks daddy about everything else. The church I attended was Baptist, and I found the people would just consult the bible and read passages that were absolutely no help. I asked two or three elders and was told, give the problem to the cross and ask Jesus to take it. The minister was very young with no experiences of life. He was married with children, but had, had such a rosy upbringing, he was no help at all. I attended church for nearly a year before realizing I didn't belong (for want of another word). I had never been involved with people like L's parents and was out of my depth with dealing with them, still are. Getting away from that for a while. Your photo is very nice and I love your dog. I've had quite a pleasant afternoon, had a few drinks so am happy. Even managed to watch a good movie. Hope you are happy today. L Pip.

pipsy · ‎18-11-2014

Hi Geoff. Pipsy here. Boy, I must have really offended you. Sorry, that was the last thing I meant to do. I went to the councilor today, through her I'm hoping to learn some coping skills so that when L visits his parents it won't matter. I know now L will never change, he will always be their son. The way they've brought him up means he has no concept of how they've hurt me and he never will. I've had to fight for survival all my life and he has no idea how deeply this is ingrained in me. I think the councilor was shocked at how deeply I'd been hurt by my parents indifference to me as a child. I get very angry at the way there seems to be little or no respect toward me, but I'm supposed to respect others. The councilor said she will not see him, if he wants to see a councilor, it will be someone else. That won't make any difference to him. His parents are right and always will be. I have to just make my own life. My councilor was happy when I said I'd been in touch with you and she encouraged me to keep up the contact. I hope this is acceptable to you. I need to know there is someone who cares about me, L doesn't understand my needs. He was wanted, I wasn't. My mother told me when I was 11 or 12 that when she knew she was expecting me, she tried to abort me. Made me feel really wanted - not. They should've adopted me out. I am not suicidal, but I do get very angry and unhappy. Did you get violent towards your ex, I sometimes feel like really physically hurting L and I know this is wrong. My councilor hopefully will help me get past those feelings. I see her again on 2nd December. Till I hear from you, luv Pip.

geoff · ‎19-11-2014

dear Pipsy, goodness me you haven't offended me one bit, I don't think that I get so upset as I used to, and if for some reason someone has a nasty go at me, I know that I have to just walk away, but it's now a talent that I have learnt, so please by no means have you upset me.

I get carried away in posting to other people, and most days I check page 2 but have only done so now, and saw your reply, so please never ever worry about me.

Well that's such a terrible comment by your mother which she made to you, or rather quiet despicable and shameful remark for any child's self-esteem, and I would take this as being a bully.

L's parents are also bullies and he is a weak person to have to get mummy's and daddy's advice before he can actually say or do anything, and as you know he has no responsibility.

His parents will always criticise you so there's no way to change them, and personally I wouldn't spare my time with them, because if you said 'Rome wasn't built in a day', guess what they would argue that it was, so you will never win, and personally they aren't worth the time of day.

I never got violent with my wife, never hit her, because that's how I was brought up, whereas she hit me a few times but I never retaliated, with the theory that 'girls are never to be hit', which I totally honoured.

I know how you feel when you want to hurt him, but you will end up in, what's the saying, something about 'mandrake', anyway more trouble than mandrake, because he will go running to mummy and telling her everything.

dear Pipsy, I will always be here to talk to you, and if by chance I miss a remark then post another comment so that it will put you back on page 1.

By the way my little dog's nickname is Moo-Moo or actually her real name is Mindy and such a dag.

There's a big difference in between now and your counsellor's appointment so don't be or feel lonely and post again. L Geoff. x

(I I think I have done something to this post as I tried to copy and paste, so I may have done something to lose words I have said, computers hey)

pipsy · ‎19-11-2014

Hi Geoff. I'm so glad to hear back from you. I did write you just now but our computer failed so I thought I'd try again. Your little dog looks gorgeous, I love dogs. They ask so little and love without reservation. There's a word for it, but I can't think what it is off hand. L has his mother's negativity. We are having a screen door made for our patio and they asked for a key to be handed in. We handed the key in yesterday and L said, I hope they don't keep it. I said why would they keep it, L accused me of being negative, he said the remark was rhetorical, how was I supposed to know that, I can't read his mind. I also said you have a lovely photo, I would like to post one, but I don't know how to and I don't want to ruin the camera, ha. Did you read about my experiences with the church. You're right about his parents with their attitudes about no matter what I say, they're right, I'm wrong. Sorry, I'm jumping about a bit. I'm having trouble concentrating. I'll write later, when I can think. L. P.

pipsy · ‎19-11-2014

Hi Geoff, Pipsy here. While we were away recently, L decided we should call and visit my relations. I think I told you. My aunty is fabulous. We also visited my cousin. L has decided he wants to keep in touch with my aunt and cousins. I think it's to appease himself for wanting to visit his parents. I have gotten past wanting to visit my rellies. They were great when I was growing up, but they have their lives, I have mine. If he is so desperate to see his parents, why can't he see I don't need my aunt and cousins the same way. He is seeing his parents this Friday. He will never see them for what they are, that's his problem. I am slowly learning to live my life without him. He says he's looking forward to getting home, why go to see them if that's the way he feels. I think he's confused about what he wants. He hasn't said any more about counciling, I don't care if he goes or not. Pip

geoff · ‎20-11-2014

dear Pipsy, nice to hear back as I checked lol.

L's parents have pure domination over him and if he didn't see them then they would give him a barrage of abuse, that's his problem and it will only change one day when he will then try to fall at your feet, but the horse has already bolted, and I know that you wouldn't want this because it would be a dead-weight.

With your photo do you one on facebook or any on your computer or any that are on your ipad, iphone or other mobile phone, and to place your photo on BB you have to go into 'my account', which is your account at the top next to your name, so that's a start, and will to tell yo how to do it then, one oldie leading another blindfolded. lol

Yes I did read about your church experience, and as I'm not a church person, I had a quiet chuckle to myself.

Talk soon. L Geoff. x