Help! Caught in a crossroads with mentally ill partner

MentalHealthismypriority · ‎05-08-2020

Hi all,

ive spent a lot of time working on my mental health in my life and been through a lot in the process but feel as though I am in a good place - finally. I’m going to be starting some study soon and have re built relationships with family.

unfortunatley - my partner who I have been with off and on for 4 years is really mentally unwell. This is taking a toll on my mental and physical well being. I have seen this happen with him time and time again and he seems to not learn from his past patterns. He looses his job and then gets extremely self distructive and self harms threatens suicide if I leave him, manic episodes, hallucinations etc he has been diagnosed with schizophrenia and has been able to manage his mental health quite well for the past year without medication. I feel like I am on a roller coaster with him. I am scared all the time. We are engaged to be married and it’s like the reason why he lives is because of me and nothing else. It’s a lot of pressure. He refuses to get help even though I have begged him because he believes they won’t say anything he doesn’t already know. To make matters worse it’s his 30th birthday in a couple of weeks and I don’t know what to do.

I can’t go on like this for the rest of my life. He has been there for me many times when I’ve needed him and I too for him but this keeps happening and he isn’t learning.

I don’t know whether to end it or stick with it.

Any advice would be appreciated!

Emmen · ‎20-08-2020

Hello MentalHealthismypriority,

It is indeed. The scary thing is that we hardly realise we're being manipulated when we're in the situation.

Asking for permission to go to the bathroom is not okay at all. You're not a child. You deserve to be free, to live your life as you want it rather than as he wants it. I'm glad that the distance is slowing bringing you clarity on these things, and I'm so glad your girlfriends are there for you.

Approaching this with a curious mind is a very mature thing to do. And it allows you to move forwards without regrets too. Stay strong and keep checking in whenever you feel like it 🙂

Warmly,
M

ecomama · ‎20-08-2020

Well done MentalHealthismypriority

So very often we can realise the extent of the abuse (I hope) more OUT of the relationship than in it.

I'm very proud of you!

You did a brave and sensible thing ending this relationship.

I'm so glad to hear that your gfs are being so supportive of you, that's awesome.

Love EM

MentalHealthismypriority · ‎24-08-2020

Hi beautiful people,

things have gotten worse, he is becoming very scary and threatening things.

ive decided to go to the police station today to see what my options are in terms of safety.

he is very unpredictable. And I think the fact that he has lost all control of me he is getting desperate now...

I keep letting my family and friends know about my whereabouts all the time just to be safe.

I have that gut instinct that he is going to do something bad.

he sent me an email stating that he is wondering whether or not to be vindictive towards me. Since then I have blocked his email and of course already have blocked his phone number and social media etc

he is a very smart man and is always careful with his words but he and I both know what that means.

i am worried if I filed for a order against him and he finds out that will cause more harm.

but I don’t want to not take his threats seriously. I know what he is capable of.

I’ll keep you updated.

thank you, I’m frightened all the time.

but I refuse to be his victim.

Emmen · ‎26-08-2020

Hello MentalHealthismypriority,

It is a terrifying situation you're in. Checking with the police on what you can do is a wise idea, as is keeping the people around you informed about your whereabouts. I've said this before and I say it again just to reiterate it, but please don't cave in and agree to get back together with him because a relationship with him was bad for you. Threatening someone into being into a relationship with them is despicable behaviour and regardless of what he is going through, he has no right to make you feel this way. You deserve so much more.

Do his parents know about his behaviour, and are they able to speak to him/get him go attend therapy?

For now, if you're afraid of going out because of him, you could ask someone accompany you if possible.

You're not a victim. You're someone who has made the best decision you can for yourself and your future. And that is your right. Do keep us updated and call triple 0 if you feel like you're in an unsafe situation. Lastly, if you need to speak to someone about your mental health, you can call Lifeline at 13 11 14.

Take care,
M

ecomama · ‎26-08-2020

Hi again

Thankyou for updating us.

Please DO NOT underestimate the situation.

The Police will need evidence to charge him with, even an AVO is a "charge". So if you block your email, they won't have evidence.
I would unblock this and not read it.
Have a friend read it to crimestoppers over the phone with you there.

You can call crimestoppers OR your local Police station any time. I found it much faster to call crimestoppers IME.
Please put their number and the Police Station in your phone.

You may also need to download a voice recording app.
Police told me to do this with the threats I was getting.
It's just a wise move.

In reality there is no protection in a piece of paper BUT this piece of paper makes the WHOLE situation turn on it's head for you. Police act much faster because they KNOW. They know the whole lot about abusive types.

Breaking up with an abusive man is the most dangerous time for a woman in this country.

If you need support you can search a FB site called "The Red Heart Foundation"... they were the most amazing group of supportive and intelligent women who also knew.

Stay safe
EM