He’s perfect, I’m destroying it

[teaBee]

My boyfriend is an incredible guy. He’s smart and funny and weird, he’s my best friend and I love him so deeply. But my head keeps distorting how I see him. I don’t know if it’s fear or insecurity but my head continues comes up with scenarios that make me feel incredibly hurt. Our relationship wasn’t always this good we’ve had some really rough patches. But we worked together and built something amazing. We will be hanging out as normal and his phone will go off. I immediately think it must be another girl and he’s cheating on me. But it’s not a girl and he’s never given me a reason to believe he would cheat. He actually usually doesn’t really like other girls or many other people at all. I’ll be home alone and he will be out with his friends. So my brain tells me he must be cheating. All the time I think of him saying so many hurtful things to me or leaving me. But then I look at him and he smiles at me with that gorgeous smile and I remember none of it is true. My brain has made an entirely different person and told me it’s him. But it’s not and I don’t know how to make it stop. 

[geoff]

Hello teaBee, having a relationship and feeling this way is going to cause problems, not only with trust, but unnecessary questions that do not need to be asked, you know this, I believe you do, so put yourself in his shoes and how would you react.

All couples have disagreements, but this doesn't mean they will leave each other, in fact it's quite healthy because you both re-establish your groundwork and it's possible to change your mind in another way.

If you keep thinking he's going to leave, then this opens up any possibility he may do something he would never think of doing, but you don't want this because you trust him.

Just because he does something out of the ordinary is because he's trying to find new ways to improve your r/lationship and you need to credit him in not asking you all the same questions, because he totally loves you, so try and turn this around and continue showing him your love.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[Guest_1055]

Hi teabee, I believe you are going to be ok. I read a post on your other thread too. You come across as intelligent. And maybe had no life lessons on how healthy relationships work and how they look.  Your mother sort of unintentionally taught you to be responsible for her as you were growing up. 

I had siblings and my parents worked hard for us. My issue was I lived in books constantly, so I did not learn how connection to others and relationships worked. Also I have trouble believing people love me. I am not sure if it is because I don't think I am worthy enough or I don't know what it really feels like to have someone love me. Or I just didn't receive it when I was younger or believe I was loved when I was younger. Maybe you are the same there. 

I had to come and properly still coming to believe to a place of thinking that my parents loved me the very best they knew how to. I am guessing you mum did too as best as she good, being that she was not well herself.

You might be able to get some help from relationships Australia, they have a website. I have been looking into the communication course there. 

[teaBee]

My mental health is in a terrible place right now. It’s been getting worse and harder. But at the same time I’m so happy because I have the most wonderful boyfriend. This makes me feel guilty. He is so strong and brave. He’s been through things a thousand times worse than me and done so amazing to get here. But now he has to deal with me not being well. I make things hard for him and I’m scared one day he’ll get sick of it. 

I got half way through writing this and decided to change my perspective. I’m not perfect but I’m a pretty great girlfriend. I work hard. I’m creative. I’m playful. I am genuinely the most sweet and caring person. I’ve helped him through his extreme lows too and I didn’t ever want to get rid of him because of that. I know he’s my best friend and I’m his best friend. We are oki

[Fern42]

Hi Teebee,

I'm really sorry to hear that your mental health is rough right now. It does sound like things are in a more difficult place for you. Although, I love that you stopped half way and changed your perspective on how you are viewing things, whether that be about yourself or your relationship. That is so positive and healthy for your mindset and I think it could be helpful to practice what you are doing there when you are having doubtful thoughts.

Relationships aren't there just for the good times and I am sure your boyfriend is very understanding and supportive and doesn't have a problem with being there for you. But it is also important to make sure you are caring for yourself in the best way that you can so it keeps your relationship healthy. It sounds like you are lucky to have each other as each other's best friend.

Take care and you're doing great with the positive self talk!

[Dean07]

Hi teabee. 
I’m sorry your are feeling anxious about your relationship. 
I found that unless I could truly love myself that I could not believe that other people could love me. I could not except love because I thought I was unlovable. 

I needed to build up my self esteem to a point where I felt good enough. I started with self care. I would do one nice thing each day for myself. I found it difficult to start with as I had to fight the negative thoughts that I really didn’t deserve this care. It doesn’t need to be anything big. Sometimes it would to stop and have a coffee. 
There are resources online about self care and self esteem. I spent time reading interesting articles. Some were very helpful and some a bit off with the fairies for my liking. 
I would try to be aware of when I started to feel negative or unlovable during the day. If it was triggered by a comment or action by someone else. I’d examine if the comment was fair. If it wasn’t I would mentally hand the comment back to the person who made it. It was their problem not mine. 
If the the feeling came from something I was telling myself I would try to work out why I was thinking it. Childhood memories or some comment I had taken onboard as a truth when really it wasn’t. 
I learn to love myself and then could believe someone could love me. 
i don’t know there’s an end to this process but being further down the track is better than the start. 
I hope you feel loveable soon. 

[Maxey]

I’m not sure what I can offer, I just wanted to share some love and support with you as I understand your feelings and thoughts completely.

I am anxiety ridden, this is carried into most aspects of my life and I am struggling daily to function.  Added to this my partner who I love very much is in a depressive episode and I see no end.

I am starting psychotherapy this week, and hypnotherapy.  Having been previously medicated with a not very good response I am at my wits end trying to be happy and feel secure in myself.  

In desperation I have reached out for professional and personal help literally everywhere possible I could find because I cannot live like this anymore.

I wish you strength and courage to do the same.   The forums have been a god send and the incredible people on here have been a god send in some very dark days.

[Tammy_]

Hello there, I used to overthink and worry in relationships too. One thing that helped me was Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). Diffusing from thoughts, accepting and making room for these thoughts without suppressing or pushing away, observing self and understanding that these thoughts are just thoughts and you don’t have to accept them as fact and living in the present moment. If you like to read, I can recommend ‘The happiness trap’ by Dr Russ Harris which is a guide to ACT. Hope this helps. 

[white knight]

Hi Teabee and Maxie

Please google-

Beyondblue topic anxiety, how I eliminated it 

Anxiety, a serious illness is curable in most cases but proactivity in my experience is essential. Your anxiety in both of you comes across so clear to me in your posts and in any relationship will not be helping. Good luck.

TonyWK