Getting out of a toxic relationship

[Mooioio]

I have been in a relationship with my partner for 16 years. I love and think the world of him. However, I have reached my limit and have decided that enough is enough and it’s time to let go.

The last few years were hard. The worst is that I realised I have been emotionally abused and weren’t even aware of it. He always appeared to be very charming and kind, that he would go through length to make someone feel special and loved. But behind all the nice and considerate gestures are the constant criticism, contempt and stonewalling.

I used to feel I am responsible for everything because he guilted trip me on everything. To the point where I thought I were the most useless, self centred and good for nothing person. Everytime we had a fight, I used to run after him begging because I couldn’t imagine a life without him and that maybe I can’t survive on my own if he isn’t around.

One of my good friend introduced me to a therapist a couple of years ago. And she made me realised self worth and that everyone deserved to be treated with respect and love. He took me for granted and felt entitled for everything that I gave unconditionally. I supported his dream, ambition and career while putting myself second yet nothing is ever enough. A set back and next thing I know I am responsible for all things that went wrong with his life.

He resents me for making him settle down and start a family, ruining his life and opportunity. But the truth is in the last decade, i constantly supported him financially and emotionally and enabled all stepping stone opportunities for his career and life. I admired his talents and would happily continue to support his ambition if he weren’t taking everything for granted ..or at the very least appreciate the compromises and support that I gave him.

I feel much relieved now that I have decided to walk away. But time to time I would feel very upset and when I think about all the good things we had, I can’t help but feel shaken and shattered. I guess getting over a long term relationship isn’t easy considering we are still in the same house because of covid lock down.

Can anyone be kind enough to share how to move on gracefully and how long it would take to get over this ? And also how to avoid falling back to the trap ( I kept letting him to come back over and over hoping it would change and it will get better but I realised now it won’t )

[Mooioio]

It is such an emotional roller coaster since I decided to leave the toxic relationship. Your heart can be very forgiving when all the nice memories come back and when you appreciate all the good things you had. In a way I am not angry nor sad nor depressed, just learning to let go, to reflect on what happened and to honour the relationship for what it was.

I also came across the book “Why does he do that”” by Lundy Bancroft, and it has been quite helpful for me to understand certain things. It helps me to make sense of what happened and what we have experienced. A break from relationship is always a good time to reflect things and help you to prepare for what coming next.

[Saraz]

When your partner behaves in such a way that causes you to question relentlessly what is right, what is wrong, what is good and what is bad, it really messes with your mind. Confusion sets in and you're always questioning, always wondering. It just doesn't stop and it eats away from the inside. I can truly empathise with what you must be going through right now Mooioi and it must be very tiring and draining away all your sense of self worth. When I learned to name the situation, in my case, it somehow helped me to know that I am not the problem, but that there is a problem afflicting him. While it did not change the day to day experience of the relationship, it did help ease some of the confusion. You have been very courageous in leaving, and now you have to gradually find and regain your sense of self worth and self esteem. And you are worthy, remember that. Until that time, that inner questioning will constantly eat away at you. I hope you are getting some therapeutic help during this time, when you are most vulnerable. Take care xxoo

[ecomama]

Dearest Mooioi and Saraz (and a wave to darling monkey_magic)

You are both in the "thick" of it right now but you are seeing and beginning to see more of the light of what's abusive.

I've read and reread your posts... what you're describing in your partner's abusive behaviours are some of the following..
- blame shifting
- gaslighting
- mind-effing (yeah its a real psychological term).
If these aren't rationally known to yet then you can Google what's in italics and see what these mean.

There are a more forms of DV and I'm pretty sure plenty of these would be happening to you both too. How you're feeling confused and having ruminating thoughts and flashbacks are ALL results of abuse. You need help and support to understand this and leave the abusive relationships.

There is almost always forms of financial abuse and controlling your movements either openly or covertly (meaning you're scared to do anything because of partner's angry reaction). Also socially isolating victims and using triangulation to get to you.

Basically it's all about CONTROL.

Being scared of your partner is NOT normal. It's the result of abuse.

I truly believe that abusive people are "small" people trying to exert power and control over someone they desperately need.

You don't need them NEARLY as much as they need you. But this "need" of theirs is dysfunctional, destructive and cruel.

I would like to think that abusive people can change but from my observations, they don't.
They can pretend for a while... (and the "buy back phase" may make you think they can change) but the real them always resurfaces.

This is why it can take an average of 17 times before a DV victim leaves the abusive partner for good. It took about that for me, due to the threats.

You can live free from abuse. We are here to support you on whatever journey you take.

Love EM

[monkey_magic]

Hi ecomama,

Thanks for pointing all of that out. I've been seeing an abusive psychiatrist for quite sometime now. Your descriptions have helped validate this for me. Abusers are not just in the person you wake up next to but also in the health profession. They are in all walks of life.

It comes as quite a shock to me but what you've said describes her. And she scares me. It is an abuse of power!

I can't wait to finally break free of her and her evil ways. Under a CTO I have to see her ( hopefully that changes soon) and my eyes and ears are open to her ways. I feel like she descriminates against me with the way she looks and talks to me. Like I'm her problem to fix with psychiatric drugs. Luckily I've been strong enough to refuse most of her drugs no matter how much she pushes them on me.

[ecomama]

Dear monkey_magic

What a horrifying situation.
Is CTO something to do with workplace compliance? I have no idea sorry.

Indeed you are so right about abusive people in the MH profession, they can be anywhere.

The thought of forcing drugs upon you is really scary. I'm so sorry you're going through this but I am SO PROUD of you being able to recognise this in her!

I also had a Psychologist in marriage counselling that allowed herself to be a minion in the triangulation efforts of ex (a dangerous narcissistic psychopath). Mannnnn after 3y and when I realised ALL the damage she'd accentuated by her verbal and written words... I made an appt... she ended up in tears. She begged me to forgive her... I said look up and ask forgiveness. I forgave you long ago but it doesn't mean I won't report you.

The way she treated me was pitiful and absolutely disgusting. The OPPOSITE of what a highly paid and highly trained Psychologist should be doing to her patients.

I also had a boss for years who was so abusive that even when I wear heels and walk into a room at work, everyone sighs, scared she may have come back. I believe some of us were deeply traumatised by her.

Threats are a signature move by abusive people.

We go through all this but KNOWING how we can recover and go on to recognise these traits in others and RUN... is just as important as leaving the abusive partner. Without doing this we are at risk of repeating the pattern very easily.

EM

[geoff]

Hello Mooioi and Saraz, and a wave to MM and EM, my heart goes out to both of you and much has been discussed and don't have a great to add, except to say that no one should ever have to try and cope through an abusive relationship/marriage whether it's physical, emotional or both, promise after promise, present after present does not constitute a reform, a change in behaviour, because on any bad day the truth comes forward.

You should never be ashamed, you have to look after yourself and when children are involved, their safety is paramount.

Take care.

Geoff.

[monkey_magic]

Hi ecomama,

A CTO is a community treatment order. It's forced psychiatric treatment against your will in the community. The psychiatrist that slapped it on me did so as a form of power. I disagreed with his diagnosis and didn't want to take the meds so he slapped it on me.
Well done for reporting the psychologist. I have a lot of reporting to do myself.

I can't let these psychiatrists do this to me...and others.

[ecomama]

Dear monkey_magic

Heavens what a thing!

I am sending you all the love and power and strength to deal with this once and for all.

With you all the way sister.

Love EM

[Saraz]

Dear Monkey-magic and Ecomama, that's just horrible about your supposed helping professionals! When we are at our most vulnerable and emotionally and mentally destroyed, we turn to our therapists or medical practitioners for support, advice and help. Not to be further abused by them. I am so sorry that you have both had such bad experiences, although reading your posts, it has validated a very bad experience I recently had with a psychologist who charged a lot and essentially told me I was shifty as I wanted my cake and eat it too. Needless to say, that was the last time I saw her.

Thankyou so much for your supportive words Ecomama and Geoff. Ever since I wrote these posts and received all the responses, for the first time, I feel like I have given myself permission to accept that I have a real problem and that I need to get help, which is what I am now doing with a wonderful therapist. Leaving is not easy and there are hundreds of internal conversations about all the possible scenarios that might happen if and when I do finally have the courage to say "enough is enough".

I now want to give back to all of you and am right here to provide what ever support you need. Take care and so much love and gratitude to you all.

[ecomama]

Dear Saraz

I am so glad to hear that the forum members have helped you. That's awesome!

Have you started your own thread? If you have please tell me where, I can't find my way around as well as you young whipper snappers lol!

I feel really good after reading your post. I'm so happy you feel validated here.

I'm probably giving my current psych ONE more session, she needs to pull a rabbit out of her hat for me to stay at this point, and yeah, didn't like what she said last session but I'll have to put all that on my thread.

Love EM