Getting married to a man who denies he is gay/bi am trapped

Confused10101 · ‎21-01-2019

I am a hiv+ve straight female. This is the second time I have had a partner live a double life on me. The first time my partner came out or rather finally admitted he was sleeping with men after years of calling me crazy. Then we found out he gave me HIV. Jump ahead 15 years and through dating a positive man who vehemently swore he was not bi/gay, my worse fear has come back. I have emails and text messages but he won't admit it. I would cope and stay if he could sit and talk to me. We are getting married soon. He won't move out or let me call it off. I don't have anymore strength to call police or make him leave. I have children and it's my place. I almost hate how he would prefer to lie and make my life hell. Why can't he love me enough to be honest. He knows the hell I suffered years ago. I would support anything if he was honest. I'm just so tired.

White_Rose · ‎21-01-2019

Dear Confused

Welcome to the forum. I'm glad you found the strength to post here.

It sounds as though you have been through a lot of disappointment and hurt. As you say, it's exhausting trying to fight spot fires and keep your family together. I think you are one strong woman. It you are having doubts about the wedding your partner cannot force you to go ahead with the arrangements. You need to decide what you want and go ahead with your life.

I cannot tell you what to do, not only because I do not know the full story but also I think you will be setting yourself up for more misery and unhappiness. Can you live with that? On the other side can you manage living on your own with your children? These are the questions that need answering otherwise you will continue the pattern of disappointment. It's time to take charge of the situation.

Talking to the police is a big ask. May I suggest to look up the Women's Legal Service in your state. Tell them your story and ask about your options. They can help you move your partner out of house. Once on your own you will have time to sit down and think about where you are and where you want to be. It will be a difficult road for you to travel and really that applies to both of your options.

I know you feel completely tired but if you can make the effort It will be a big help. As I have said above, this is your decision. If you decide to stay together he must come to the party and take responsibility for his actions. I feel pretty certain you understand the implications of staying. Living with someone who lies to you constantly will become unbearable. Give yourself a chance to really look at leaving or staying, though he would be the one leaving.

Then there is the option of insisting he leave the house. This is where you need good advice on making him leave which may also involve the police. Neither paths have the potential to make you feel happy in the short term. It's a bit difficult keeping up with what you know and the uncertainty this involves. Why not let everyone know that the wedding has been delayed? You are not the only person who has called off a wedding because of doubts. Think carefully about your options and what they will look like in ten years time or even five years.

I know it's tempting to just go with the flow but you must make a decision now. This is the rest of your life we are talking about. I hope you get back here.

Mary

geoff · ‎21-01-2019

Hello Confused, a warm welcome to the forums.

What you have been through is not very pleasant at all, and unfortunately shouldn't have happened, I'm so terribly sorry it has, and now being in the same position is something that needs a decision to be made.

I do agree with Mary on what it is going to be like in 5 or 10 years and as you have children what influence is this going to be on them.

You can't marry someone who lies to you before the ceremony because normally this only gets worse.

You have been given a disease that you certainly would never want and now you deserve a break, you could postpone the marriage, but 'nix it in the butt' because you aren't happy and it doesn't what situation you or anyone else is in, you can't marry anyone who you don't trust and if any infidelity happens this can't be tolerated.

Obtain an AVO from the police and if he breaches this order he is then fined and/or put into gaol.

You are exhausted, so please look after yourself as well as your children, this is so important.

Take care.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

Confused10101 · ‎14-02-2019

Yes I am back here. I tried asking him to leave and it didn't go well at all...it ended with police removing him but he came back. I am too scared to do it again. I can't have children see us fight like that again. I think unless he chooses to leave I will just have to go through the motions. If I bring anything up such as wanting to be alone he goes crazy. Really an AVO is a piece a paper and he will make my life a misery if I cause a fuss. My children are more important than me. I can't leave as it's my families house so I owe them the respect not to leave him in it and let them clean up my silly mistakes. I can't believe I am in such a ridiculous situation, I work and I don't need to rely on him financially, it's a bit of a nightmare.

DaisyD · ‎14-02-2019

Hi Confused10101,

I am so sorry to hear about your situation, I can't imagine what it is like. But I admire you for sharing it here and asking for help, that is a huge step, asking for help.

You have to think about your health as a number one priority, your children as well and your safety. He can't make you do anything you don't want to do, and if you don't want to marry him, don't. You can call the engagement off, you don't have to answer to anyone. In your mind, I am assuming, that the relationship is over. If you can see the big picture of a lifetime of lies and deceit, you will never be happy with that hanging over your head. Listen to your gut and go with it, step by step, day by day. You will never be able to change him, but you can change your actions and your life, and I know you can do it.

Its a big step going to the police. Can you get them back again and this time change the locks on the house so he can't get in? He won't choose to leave, believe me. He obviously knows what he's doing. I know this is personal, but do you sleep in the same bed as him? Because if you are feeling like this, you need your own space, could you move into another room? And I know, why should you, in your own house. But don't do it if you are know there will be problems.

You need to go and get legal advice to cover and protect yourself and your children. You can call legal aid and they will help you. Have you been to your GP? I thankfully have a fantastic and supportive GP. I have been seeing him for over 20 years and if I didn't have his guidance and support, I don't know where I would be. GP's also have contacts to help you and you need support with your mental and physical health.

I know how it feels to have a family that you don't want to ask for help. I have that problem too, it's not fair when you are going through hell. You need all the support in the world.

I wish I was in the position to help you and your children. I am always here if you need to chat.

I wish you all the best. Please make sure you keep you and your children safe. you can do it!!! You've got this!

Kind Regards

Anna

therising · ‎15-02-2019

Hi Confused10101

First, I wish to say that my heart truly goes out to you for so many reasons.

Wondering if you've had the opportunity to actually show him the text messages and emails? It's hard to explain away evidence when it's right in front of your face.

Everyone here has given you great advice. Exploring ways in regard to managing the power you have is vital. Definitely seek power through support, whether the support be legal or in the way of friends and/or family. Having the power to support yourself and your kids financially is a good start. Knowing you have the support of the police is also reassuring. It might take a support network to make the difference you're needing, in order to move on. I think seeking support through legal advice is a positive way to go when it comes to building your network.

I notice you use words or phrases like 'too scared', 'he goes crazy', 'he will make my life a misery' and 'he would prefer to lie and make my life hell'. Please don't consider 'going through the motions'. If he refuses to give you the respect and honest communication required for a healthy happy marriage, take off that engagement ring. Committing yourself and your kids to a possible lifetime of anxiety, dishonesty and mental torture will, I imagine, be soul-destroying. After all you've been through in the past, you deserve so much better than this.

It was a couple of decades ago that my ex and I called off our wedding. Although it felt incredibly challenging at the time partly due to the 'what would people say?' factor, we would both agree it was one of the best things we ever did (due to the toxic nature of the relationship). Taking care of the present is what takes care of the future, to some degree. This will not be easy for you by any means but it is vital you manage your way toward the future you want, not the future you feel you must endure.

Please consider managing your way toward building that support network, one that may include some mental health support.

Take care of yourself Confused

DaisyD · ‎15-02-2019

Hi Confused,

I thought I'd better send another reply on your post because I thought of a couple of things:

1. Always have a Plan A and a Plan B up your sleeve;

2. Keep a diary, of all the arguments, anything that happens, dates and times because down the track when/if you have to go to court and court documents need to be prepared, you have it all written down and you're not in the position where you are not sure of when things happened.

3. Keep the texts, those texts could be used in court documents, if it happens.

4. Get some counselling, work on you so you are strong. Counsellors often have contacts as well.

These are just some things that I have learnt over the years and when I was working in law firms, I did alot of Family Law. If you decide to keep a diary, make sure you keep it with you, even if it is on your phone.

Good luck

Anna 🙂