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Gaslighting boyfriend

Community Member
Hi, my boyfriend of two years has quite suddenly become very distant and cold towards me. He suffers from depression, anxiety and anger issues which he was seeing a psychologist for a few months ago. Every now and then I will bring up a problem I have or a certain way that he is making me feel and he will absolutely lose it at me. The other day I went through his phone which I know is wrong, and I saw he did some drugs on the weekend and I confronted him about it and asked why did you not just tell me? It hurts when you keep things from me. This then resulted in him getting extremely angry I went on his phone, he broke all of my make up and perfumes and ripped apart the lounge room. He told me I’m the reason he is so un well at the moment and he would be healthier without me. I just don’t know what is true and what isn’t anymore. Everything had been fine before this but it’s little things like this that completely tip him over the edge. He said he despises me and hates me and I’m a rat for looking at his phone. What is this sort of behaviour and what do I do about it? I know I shouldn’t have gone on it but I knew he was keeping something from me
4 Replies 4

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi, welcome

I know this situation is difficult for you but imo you need to review what kind of person you want as your boyfriend. It is clear to me he likes to hold secrets and have part of his life that foesnt invlude you.

That isnt normally acceptable nor is trashing property. No illness makes you do such things. His actions were indeed meant to draw a line on what he wont tolerate.

You need to draw your own line or move on. You might well deserve better.


Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Georgie502,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for reaching out. I completely agree with TonyWK here. While I was reading your post I was thinking that I was really concerned for your safety. It worries me that he's trashing your things and makes me think - what if he were to hurt you? It's such an explosion of anger.

Looking at it from his point of view, yes - I can see that he is struggling with anger and depression. Anger can often be a cover for something underlying that we're not willing to look at yet - almost like it's easier to wear the mask of anger than it is to show our true selves that are vulnerable/sad? With that said though - while mental illness can explain why this behaviour happened, it doesn't justify it. Just because your boyfriend is mentally unwell doesn't give him the right to treat you or your things this way. It's not okay and you deserve better.

I'm not sure how helpful this post is. I think the problem is so much deeper than you looking at his phone so I just wanted to emphasise and push for your safety 🙂

Community Member

omg. i am going through the same thing. it's the strangest thing. the guy just seems normal and absolutely flips on the smallest thing. he seems to care, everything is fine, until he's upset.

It shows he doesn't care enough about your feelings, the stability of the rship, about making you happy.

I pray you're ok to move on from this. you should - whether the reason is that he's just a plain ***hole, or he has some depression he's going through, as long as he isn't talking to you about it or trying to explain to you, and then taking it out on you without as much of a sorry...he doesn't realise you have feelings too.

You should get out.

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Georgie502 and all ☺ welcome to bb darl and well done sharing your story.

Huns I agree with all of the above, it doesn't mean that if he's prepared to get help and hopefully to the root of his problems which the way he's handling them isn't good potentially for your physical and I'm sure it'd be hurting you mentally that maybe later if he learns how to handle you possibly could pick up again but I'd be very wary lovey with that aggressive temper, I worry he could go a step further and be aggressive physically with you too. That's not a good safe secure environment darlin.

Good on you bringing up points that need to be aired. What he's doing by the sounds is trying to assert control but it also sounds like he's becoming more out of control.

Do you if you decide to leave have someone you can stay with?

I'm sorry you have to go tnrough this but I would urge you to look after yourself first darl.

Best of luck to you 👋