Fright or flight

[shining]

Hi, newbie to this so here goes. 11 April found out that my husband had been visiting dodgy massage parlours and getting "happy endings" for over a year. On top of that I found that he also "felt sorry" for one of these girls and to get her "off the job" , he employed her without telling me what her background was. He would take her grocery shopping because he said that she could not afford to shop. He also had her to the odd cleaning job on his work sites and one day he brought her home to meet me. A few times we went out for a casual meal after work he asked me if it was ok to bring her to eat with us and I said of course, she is lonely here being a student from Japan on a casual work visa etc. After I found out about how they met I immediately confronted hubby and fired the girl on the spot. 3 weeks later was when i discovered his year long behavior with all the girls and massage parlors. Needless to say I was gutted and devastated. Have been to counselling together and have been working towards recovery but I am struggling big time with different emotions/aspects of the problem. Right now (10 weeks on) I have not moved forward as much as I thought. Don't even know if I made the right decision to stay. It was very hard to get him to see that his behavior with both aspects was and is INFIDELITY!!! He is very good at deflecting away from any discussion I might want to have and has the attitude of "we decided to move forward so what is your problem?" I feel so angry toward him now and don't know which way to turn. The story is a lot longer than what I can write here. A bit about myself: been married for 33 years, have a son and a daughter and 4 grandchildren. I have a history of medication controlled depression but this has hardly impeded my life. Have had menopause and all the stuff that goes with that and husband keeps referring to both of the issues as the reason why he did what he did. If I refer to his behavior over the last 12 months, the first thing that comes out of his mouth is " I have told you why I did it, you were depressed and had menopause". I have been asking myself if it is a good idea to take myself off for a week alone to try to help sort out my thoughts and feelings. My mood had been erratically shifting from sadness to anger to despair and several other emotions over very short periods of time. Any thoughts??

[Croix]

Dear Shining~

If a person received such devastating news as you have then I do not think it is reasonable to expect to move on in 10 weeks. While I've no idea what would be reasonable I would imagine a great deal longer for most people.

Having depression, even though it sounds very much under control in the past, and menopause are difficult things for you to deal with without anything else on top. To then find the person you have thought of as a partner for 33 years is regularly visiting sex workers and has formed an emotional relationship with one would be devastating. To have him then minimize his actions and try to say you are the cause is possibly the worst thing of the lot. It shows little or no care for you.

I have no idea of the practical matters surrounding you and your partner, if you each are independent financially, or have outside support. I also have no idea what you would like to do long term - you may well not either.

I do think a while away might be good. Here I'm trying to put myself in your situation. The day to day running of the household, his presence and constant contact would be very upsetting and most probably very irritating too. So stepping back on your own for a bit might give you a while to clear your thoughts. What do you think?

Do you have anyone to stay with? Hopefully there is someone to support you and care - plus talk things over with. If it was me I'm not sure I'd find much benefit in couples counseling at the moment if he is ducking responsibility for what he has done. I would suggest though it might be wise to see your own doctor, your depression will need monitoring if nothing else, and individual counseling on your own might also be an option.

I do hope you can come back and talk some more

Croix

[geoff]

Hello Shining, please let me give you a warm welcome to the site.

What you have told us must not only be a shock but it's so devastating to know that your husband has been doing this behind your back because affairs are not much different than having an addiction.

I do know that people in this situation apologise, promise it won't happen again and behave themselves but only for just a short time, as he is good at deflecting away from the situation and broken the trust you once had.

I'm sorry not only for you but also for your son, daughter and the grandkids because this would be a sign of not supporting you through this time when you were needing understanding and comfort.

Before I make my next comment can I suggest that you visit your doctor, they may prescribe medication and then refer you to a psychologist but this may have happened already.

Whether you take one week off or two maybe a good idea, but perhaps not by yourself, and I say this because all these negative thoughts will just mount up and it could upset you more.

The alternative is to go by yourself so you can try and get a clear understanding of what your husband has done without you knowing.

My best wishes and it would be lovely to hear back from you.

Geoff.

[To_Old_For_This]

Hi Shining
I am so sorry to be reading your story and what you are going through. I am recovering from my husbands affair and it has been 9 months. Let me tell you, it does take a long time and I feel I still have a ways to go.

As for his blaming you. It is not your fault. There is no excuse. Absolutely nothing makes cheating okay. He is fully to blame and if he refuses to see that, there is little to stop it happening again.

That does not mean all is lost. In the start my husband blamed his cheating on me, for a myriad of reasons. I can't tell you the tears that have flowed and the hours and hours of yelling. You need to call him out. You need to turn the tables on him. Are you familiar with the term gas lighting? I wasn't. I was also completely unaware of the extent he manipulated me over many years.

Only after much research and confrontation, did he start to change. Even now, we have our moments. It sounds as if your husband is quite happy to pretend it never happened. He has breached your trust and no matter what, you will never feel that for him again. If you both want to stay together, it is important you both do the work to get to basics of what has happened and why. Not the rubbish excuses.

There are a few good websites that deal with infidelity, some of them are total rubbish, so you have to weed your way through.

Take care of you Shining. Do what you feel is right. He is playing you and will continue to do so for as long as you let him.

[shining]

Thank You Croix, we have had 5 therapy sessions together and my husband has opted out of going further with therapy. The therapist has ok'd that but has asked him to make an appointment if he needs one. I know he won't because even though he came to sessions together with me I sensed that for him it was only going to be short term. I would not mind so much if he was still wanting to discuss his or my feelings regarding the life he was leading but he very obviously does not feel the need. We have built a very successful business portfolio over the years to answer your question regarding finances so I would be financially comfortable if I went on my own. I seem to have hit a "numb" spot regarding my own feelings about us at the moment so I am trying to not put too much pressure on myself at the moment and rather get through one day at a time.

[shining]

Thank You Geoff, I do see my GP and psychologist when required so I have that under control. I have decided to see how I go for a little while longer before "taking off" for now. One of the hardest things at the moment is that hubby seems to be slightly withdrawn and distant at the moment and I wonder if he is going through some "withdrawal symptoms". I have wondered if his behavior was addictive? Thanks.

[shining]

Thank you for your comments. I have not heard of gas lighting but will be sure to research it. I just don't understand how we can have had such an emotionally traumatic time so recently and he does not need to still talk about it. I crave to talk about things with him and we were encouraged by our therapist to daily ask each other if we need to but unless I bring the topic up, he definitely does NOT.

[Croix]

Dear Shining~

You and Geoff may well be right about his recent behavior being addictive, or at least a way of living that he now is uncomfortable without. From what you say it does not seem as if he is wholeheartedly trying to make amends and come back to you, more as if he has gone though the motions and feels he has gone as far as he wants.

I suspect it's quite wise of you to stay at the moment, trying to make important decisions at the moment would be very hard, with emotion clouding the facts and a clear idea of what was going to happen. I'm very glad you are not constrained by finances, it would be horrible to have to stay if that was not your wish.

As I expect you have thought already the therapist OK'ing his absence is just about all he could say.

I guess one of the major hurst is that he will not talk with you, this means not only is there little connection between you but also he does not feel he needs to offer you comfort. I'd suspect he has not admitted to himself how destructive he has been. A downside of this is without acknowledging responsibility there is little to stop repetition of his behavior. Whatever induced him to do it may well still be there.

"Gaslighting" is psychological manipulation of someone to gain power over them by making them increasingly doubt their worth and ability to do anything, including make judgments. A horrible but unfortunately quite common thing. Always shifting blame onto the person is one ploy.

When you look at it I suspect there is no real need to hurry, it will only put pressure on you, and I can well imagine you feeling numb for now.

Croix

[shining]

Thank you Croix, I can't tell you how much it means to me to be able to use this website to vent and to receive such wonderful support. I am limited to talking about this, I have a couple of trusted friends to confide in but am keeping all of this away from families.

[Croix]

Dear Shining~

You asked "Am I an idiot for staying??"

I'd have to say again from a practical point of view not rushing when you feel, as you say yourself, numb is probably the best thing you can do.

The idiot is your husband for not appreciating the treasures he had.

Staying because you hope is understandable, wanting the man you knew back. Hoping that some way could be found to set things right. You would not be human if you did not have these feelings.

I guess there are two traps, and I'm sure you will have thought of them already. The first is to simply let things drift, staying on from inertia and habit. I'm not sure you would regard yourself well if you let that happen - what do you think?

The second is letting hope take hold and then being heartbroken again, either because he repeats his folly, or simply never becomes close and cares again.

So no, you are not an idiot, you are trying to cope with one.

Croix