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Feelings developing for married man

Community Member

Hi All,

I would love your advice and please do not judge me too harshly.

I have recently separated from my husband of several years. I am in my late thirties and I am really enjoying my new life. I love my freedom and the fact that the pain has subsided. I am making the best of my new situation with friends, hobbies and focusing on my work which I really love. I have a very nice manager who, in the past couple of months, I have really become quite friendly with. Nothing untoward, we only joke and laugh a lot and I feel valued based on the work I do with and for him. He is married, I believe fairly happily, and he is very professional, i.e. not inappropriate. Over the past few weeks and months, he has really noticed my new me and we have had quite honest, down to earth chats about life. Especially following what I have gone through. He has been a great support and most of all, the fun at work has been a real motivator.

We have now started to share more personal details. Nothing sexual but just personal thoughts, dreams, wishes and considerations. I greatly enjoy that because we seem to have an amazing connection with a lot of, nearly eerie, similarities. I really like him and I feel a warm connection towards him. Nothing has happened between us and I think he would be fairly reluctant to do anything that is considered of "bad character" and so would I. We both have very strong morals, however, we cannot deny that there is a special connection between the two of us which links us more closely regularly. Today we went for a drink after work because I had a bad experience with a co-worker. We had a really nice time although I believe he was sometimes a bit concerned about keeping the necessary distance. I guess, the reason why I write this is because I would like some advice. I very much enjoy that special connection with him and I believe so does he, but I am worried about where this may lead. And I don't want to make a fool of myself either. I am not a homewrecker or flirt, but I hardly ever got along so well with someone.

I find myself a little confused. I am not interested in a relationship at the moment, but I do very much enjoy the "thing" that seems to develop between us and I cannot even define what it is. He makes me smile. Maybe he is really just a nice guy and I'm completely misinterpreting. But he told me I am attractive and sophisticated and that I am a lovely lady. What should I do? I am keen to continue but don't want to do the wrong thing.

19 Replies 19

In all honesty I'd take what he says about his wife with a grain of salt.

He's still living with her and hasn't seperated, just keeping eggs in both baskets.

Take care of yourself

Thank you very much for your advice, Theborderline.

I am very cautious for that reason but I am comfortable with how things are going because we mutually agreed that there cannot be anything physical or otherwise until he has finalised his situation with his wife. And also the fact that I know him only as a very moral individual. So far, I have not had any reason to distrust him or doubt his motives. And he has not at all been pushy, quite the contrary he keeps his physical distance despite obviously being drawn to me (and me to him).

I guess we will have to see, I am definitely not engaging in any kind of affair. And neither is he. Thank you again, it is nice to hear back from others so that I can make sure I keep grounded and consider all options/sides to the story.

Hey Aussiegirl81 it sounds like you are going about things the right way , you have an amazing connection with this guy & you both deserve to be happy. Him being open to you & allowing your connection to build up makes Me think He is being honest that things were over with His wife. Tread carefully hold him accountable for his promises don’t rush in and please don’t be the other Woman. Hopefully it all works out for you

Hi All,

I have recently started a new relationship after talking for several months with a lovely man. He is sweet and caring and I really feel I have a connection with him. But I have come out of a marriage where I often felt my needs were not looked after as much as I looked after my ex-partner's needs. So now that I begin a new relationship, I get really worried at the tiniest sign of potential selfishness. And this new man is really nice and attentive. But whenever something comes up that only barely reminds me of selfishness, I get worried that I might give myself up again for the wrong person.

I am, in general, a very cautious starter at the beginning of a relationship and weigh things up a lot. I overthink a lot which I hate but it happens because I get worried about being with the wrong guy. I also have a fairly high standard for myself, so unfortunately, I hold this high standard up for others to achieve, too. I am trying to be sensible but then I get worried whether it is good to lower my standards to an achievable level or whether that just means that I try to justify why I am with the new person although they may not be right. In other words, I am totally confused. I really like him, he is so much closer to what I want in my life and I really don't want to mess this great opportunity up but I think I am putting myself under a lot of pressure and I don't know how to change that. I am constantly worried about whether I feel I am in love or not and I cannot even define what that is meant to feel like. I do believe I care very strongly for him but how do I know whether I am in love? I have never been good at identifying that because I am so super cautious that I do not simply let myself fall. So can you

please help me understanding how I find out whether I am falling in love? And can you please give me some advice on relationship starts and how you felt. I am sure not everyone is just super lovey dovey all the time, there must be others that are equally going through an emotional roller coaster at the start of a relationship because everything is so new and uncertain. So how do you cope with that? How do you get that ease of mind so you can enjoy more freely and define your feelings? We have such lovely times together and then I get scared again and I feel I shut down inside. I don't want to be scared anymore, I would like to give this my very best shot because I see potential. Can you please help me understand my own thoughts and feelings?

Community Member

Hi AussieGal81,

It never easy to go into one relationship to the other in a short space of time, trying to heal from disappointment and hurt to falling in love in an instant is most time near impossible and going in the fast lane of love in relationship usually ends In disaster.

Love needs to be patient, kind and in most cases given time. Time to grow, time to trust and time for true happiness.

Any new or unknowns is a risk, risk have to weighed up with the pros and cons. I think you followed your heart and gone down a path of kind of no turning back.

Having barriers is what keeps us safe, to protect ourselves of getting emotionally hurt. To expect high standards is not a bad thing, if love is strong it meets those and soften them.

Starting relationship is best to be honest, some people put up a front or image that in the end the mask falls off and trust become a big issue.

Communcation is important as well, talk about what you find you want in a relationship and what not to your partner. Miscommunication hurt a lot of new relationships but in saying that not too heavy at the start of communication, can scare people.

At the end of the day, your heart and head will tell you what to do and what best for you. Life always have unknown got to believe in the universe to look after us in any situation.

All the best

Hang 10.

Community Member

Hi Hang,

thanks so much for your response. I really appreciate it.

I just wanted to clarify that this has nothing to do with the timeframe between my last relationship and my new one. I'm well and truly iver the last and very happy to be out. But I have always stuggled to determine when I am in love, i.e. when I am ready to say I love you. This has never come easy to me in any relationship with a man because I am so risk averse and cautious by nature. I'm not a head over heels person, I always consider what could go wrong. Ao how do I know? I like spending time with this man and feel very comfortable around him but when or how do I know whether this relates to actual love? I am just struggling with the concept and I am still protecting myself a fair bit because I want to make sure the next relationship I am in is more suitable and simply better than my last. So I might be inhibiting my feelings with all the self-protection. However, that makes me feel uncomfortable because I would much rather simply embrace this new opportunity wholeheartedly becausw I can see its potential.

How do I know?

Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Aussiegal81,

I think getting into any new relationship after a serious or long-term one, you are bound to have some old wounds that take some time to get over. I think the only thing that can heal them is time, and your new partner consistently showing you that he is not the same as your old partner. Each time he does that, your walls will come down a little more.

As far as how do you know when you are in love, I can only describe my situation. I rarely fall in love, meaning I have dated quite a bit in the past and rarely fell in love with someone. But although I fall in love rarely, when I do fall in love with someone, I tend to fall quite fast. I know because I am always excited to talk to them on the phone, they give me butterflies, I get nervous to see them but comfortable and excited at the same time, I care about their opinion and want to know everything about them. But mostly, when they kiss me, I actually feel dizzy, as if I am physically falling. Then I know I am in trouble lol.

I think that you need to relax a bit and stop worrying about whether you are falling or not and just enjoy the moment. If you fall in love, so be it, and if not, just go with the flow and it may not be meant to be. But I think it’s probably too early at this stage to tell anyway.

Hi AussieGal, and thanks to Juliet for providing most of the answers.

Good on you for falling for your friend, love stories are always lovely to hear, but can I just say that when people start a new relationship you're on 'cloud-9', everything is beautiful you have butterflies, and remember when you get nervous, you blush, laugh at little things that you wouldn't normally do, and I can still recall what it feels like, how romantic it is.

You tend to put up with things they do, which you wouldn't normally agree to but you feel love again, that's cloud-9, oh it's beautiful.

Enhance your new found love after your last experience doesn't it feel like total bliss.

Best wishes.


Hey Aussiegal81, I have been on your team trying to offer advice through this post.

What is it to fall in love

when you wake up in the morning your first thought is of them.

You can’t wait to speak to them

You can’t wait to see them

you are excited just to get a hello hug & kiss from them, and that makes you smile

touching them gives you goosebumps

you miss them as soon as you leave each other’s company

your last thought at night is them

you cant imagine your life without them

I too am an overthinker my strategy is

I work on a 80% good times

20% not great time

no one is perfect so don’t expect 100% good times or you will be disappointed

the 20% not great time is just the hard grind of life don’t let it get you down

if you focus on the good stuff the little bit of no so great doesn’t matter

especially when your in love

Hi all,

How to know you're in love is a curious and interesting question.

For me it is the bad days that show me how I truly feel.

When you are completely fed up with eachother and yet inside you feel there is noone else for you but this idiot yelling.

To me that is how I know. When I realise I'd rather be with him in the bad times then anywhere else.