Feeling usless and alone, Husband has said he's had enough.

[Z_]

Hi there, I'm new to post and I hope that you might be able to give me some help/advice maybe.

My husband and I have been married for 12 years and we have had a lot of ups and downs and we both can hold a grudge. I have no family of my own, only my in-laws and just the thought of that males me feel alone.I'm the past few months I have been feeling useless and like I'm not the person I remember being. He asks me what's wrong but I dint know what to say. He has started yelling at me for little things and not letting it go, and I am also super stressed at work. Then last night he said that I will always be a selfish person and I always ruin everything. He shut the bedroom door on my face and hasn't spoken to me in more than 26 hours now and I can't cry anymore. I dint know how to be alone and I dont have any friends, he didn't like any of them. I feel totally worthless and I dont have anyone to speak to. I dint know what to do if be leaves me. Any advice?? 

[Geneva]

Hi Z,

I have literally just signed up to the beyondblue website and thought I'd familiarise myself with the forums...I took one look at your post and I just had to stop and comment...I am  so sorry that you are going through this pain and this difficult situation. I have only been married for five years but can relate to the isolation, fear and turmoil you must be going through, specifically in a relationship. I have to say that no matter what you have said or done toward your husband, you should be able to expect that he will be there for you. That is what marriage is about. My advice is to not throw yourself too far into thoughts of the future. Take it moment by moment. What can you do now to feel peace and calm? Have a cup of tea, watch something funny, go for a walk...just catch your breath before thinking about what could happen in weeks or months to come...can you talk this through with your husband? Lay everything out on the table...what have you got to lose? It sounds like he just doesn't know how to help you and that made him feel frustrated (men love and need to feel useful!)...do you have family, community or church groups you can turn to? Even just for a friendly chat or a hug? Please be kind to yourself.

To be absolutely honest, I was moments away from doing something rash last night because of my depression...but I made it through to another day...I know you can too. There is always hope, even if you're struggling to find exactly where it is.

Hang in there 🙂

Geneva

[Geneva]

*Sorry, I just reread your post and you clearly stated you don't have family. Sorry for missing that. Xx

[Pixie15]

Hi Z,

Welcome to the bb forums. First up let me say you are not worthless. Definitely not, there is no way in the world that I believe that can be true.

It sounds from what you have written her like you have always had a rocky relationship. Is it unusual for your partner to not talk to you for this period of time?

The fact that your husband did not support you having friends is a bit of a red flag regarding your relationship. This is a tactic of abusers and if you had no family support of your own it would make it so much easier for you to become isolated. Is your husband's family supportive of you?

You write that things have been difficult at work. Do you think that your home life is affecting your work or your working life affecting your home? 

If you to think that you are in a difficult relationship you might want to consider some counselling for support while you work that out. Your doctor or your local community or women's health center can help you with finding a relationship counselor or you can ring some of the organisations like Relationships Australia direct and find out if there is something in your area.

I am also wondering why you have trouble with being alone.

If he leaves you there is a booklet which you can download from the site here called "Women and Separation" which has a lot of helpful information and contacts. It might help to have a look at that.

Also I think if you have a look at the forum for Women here you will find a few other threads which you might want to read or contribute to.

Because the forums are moderated there can be a delay in responses appearing. Please contact the helpline if you need to speak to someone.

Pixie.

[Z_]

Thanks to you both for your replies. I don't have any family of my own as I was abandoned by my mother at a young age and ever since I have had issues with being alone and feeling worthless. I think since I married, I hoped that meant I wouldn't be alone ever again and the thought of being alone after so long is terrifying. I think that work is affecting home and visa versa. I am planning to go and speak to my GP on Monday as I feel I can trust his judgement and he will help me. He also knows my husband so hopefully he can give me another perspective too. I'm glad that you are still here Geneva and I sincerely thank you and Pixie for your help. I will read other threads and try to keep a clearer head until I can see my GP. Thank you again.

[white knight]

Hi Z  welcome

 My first wife and I attended a priest for 10 session prior to marriage in 1985. I thought at the time "what a waste of time". Our marraige lasted 11 years.

But, his messages and guidance I still recall today. One of which was how relationships will always drift and attract, ebb and flow. another is when in an argement make sure you dont say or do anything that will be so bad it will be remembered for a long time.

But of course this is all well and good but when we talk about two people in a relationship their relationship is totally unique, no two people would be like them. So, when the train runs off the rails help is the only remedy, a third person of considerable qualifications.

26 hours is a long time in the scheme of things as often I'd suggest that a couple of hours is common. But where there is a negative sometimes there is a positive. In such a case its "time out". This allows us to clear our minds, maybe realise what we could lose, what hurt would be felt by our spouse. And when we think of the road we are taking in desperation...to start fresh alone, its a big step.

You are wise Z to go to your doctor as a starting point. Relationships Austrli is another course.

Good luck.    Tony WK

[Pixie15]

Hi z,

Thanks for the update yesterday. I am wondering how you are going and if your partner has spoken to you as yet. Please let us know how you go with your doctor on Monday. Waking up to the idea that something is not quite right in your life is an opportunity. It might be that both you and your partner have relied on each other too much as sources of support. You have support online here now any time you want.

Cheers,

Pixie.

[Missy2484]

Hi Z

my husband also decided to leave me on the weekend after 6 yrs married, 9 yrs together and is not returning calls or texts. I too was abandoned when I was snl so also have issues with being alone, so I get where u r coming from. 

I hope that he does decide to talk it over with you and give you some closure, if there was a way to reach out to let u know you are not alone I would. I just hope for both of us it does get easier with time, but know you are not alone and there are people out there going through the same thing. X

[Table_for_1]

Hi Z  Im new tonight to the forum and Ive found myself alone after 35 years of marriage.  We did so much together and its not easy being alone but in this last 10 weeks since he said he didn't love me anymore Ive started soul searching and finding myself again.  You need to find the wonderful person you are and it does take time and don't be too hard on yourself.  My husband ruled my head and I wasn't allowed to express my feelings as he thought that was a reflection on himself and that way he had the power over me.  Z, I know you can find that person within yourself and don't let anyone including him put you down and make you feel like its all your fault.  Don't let him have the power over you.  I found keeping a diary very helpful, being able to express your feelings on a daily basis.  The diary didn't speak back. You need to read some affirmations each day to realise what a special person you are.  Only you can do that.  Its not easy but it does get easierl.  Each day is different and you have to go with your emotions and don't suppress them  Good luck but you can do it alone   I go out to dinner  Table for 1 please !!!

[white knight]

Hi Z,

What a great bunch of determined ladies you all are.

This, this!!! is one of many reasons I am here on this site.

Tony WK