Feeling unhappy with spouse. Physical and mental abusing everyday. Need to lead a fresh life altoget

[Kamala]

Feeling unhappy with spouse. Physical and mental abusing everyday. Need to lead a fresh life altogether.

Looking out for some good advise 

[Sophie_M]

Hi Kamala,  We’re sorry to hear what you’ve been going through with your relationship and the really difficult living situation. It sounds like it’s had some very serious impacts on your wellbeing. We’re glad you could share this here, as our lovely community will have kindness, advice and understanding for you.  In a healthy relationship, you should be communicated with and treated with respect, so it might be worth having a look at the 1800Respect pages on healthy relationships. It sounds like it could be useful to have a chat with one of the lovely people at 1800Respect to discuss how you’ve been treated by your partner. They're on 1800 737 732, or you can reach them on online chat, here.  You could also speak to Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277.  
 
It sounds like it's really having an impact on how you're feeling day to day, so please know that there’s always someone here for you to talk it through with. The Beyond Blue counsellors are available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or online. It's really important to be kind to yourself through this, so there's some tips for practicing self-care here.  Thanks again for sharing here. We’re sure you’ll hear from some other community members once they spot your thread. We appreciate your kindness and openness in sharing to the forums, and we hope you can be kind to yourself, too while you’re going through this extremely difficult time.   Kind regards,   Sophie M

[Croix]

Dear Kamala~

I'd like to join Sophie_M in welcoming you here to the Forum. It is somewhere many come in similar situations.

Trying to leave a relationship where one has been abused is not as easy as people might imagine. There are of course the practical difficulties over money and a place to live. Perhaps children and pets are involved. There are also sadly self-doubt for many too. Thinking one does not have the confidence or strenght to go though with it, and not really knowing how to go about it.

That i why Sophie's suggestion of 1800RESPECT is such a good one. They are very knowledgeable and can give you the best advice and where to get help. They also do not charge.

May I ask if you have any family or friends to give you support - either  in practical terms or to simply show they care? Sometimes a family or friends are overseas or far away and that does mean you feel you are more on your own. Talking by phone or Skype in those situations can make one feel less isolated.

A lot of people find great difficulty in telling others about their situation or that they are being abused. They seem to feel others wil think less of them -which is simply not true. Anyone that cares will feel for you.

I know all this is very general, perhaps you might like to return and say more, that way we may be able to assist more exactly.

Croix

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Kamala,

I’m so deeply sorry that you’re spouse is abusive towards you…my heart goes out to you sweetheart….I spent 38 years in an abusive marriage, afraid to leave, not knowing where or how to get help, Sophie has given you some great contacts..that do care about your well-being and want to help you… they are there to help people in abusive marriages……

Please, can you give those contacts that Sophie has given you, a try…..You deserve a life free of abuse….a life of happiness and peace….No one should ever abuse another person ever….it’s a criminal offence…..for your own safety and well being Please try hard for yourself to contact one or all of those contacts listed…

Thinking of you with kindness and care….also sweet Kamala a gentle caring hug…

Grandy..

[geoff]

Hello Kamala, this is not what any person wants, especially in a marriage because what ever you do certainly frightens you in every way possible and this certainly doesn't do any good for your well being.

I can't tell you what to do but I can suggest but first of all if you want to get back to us and tell us whether you are renting or paying off a mortgage because this is important so we can help you through this.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[CherryOnTop]

Would need some information to give more direct advice-  financial/work situation, employment and training history, if you have friends or relatives you can stay with short term who will stand by you, if you have your own transport, if you have kids and how old they are, if you are on a visa, if you live in a town or city

 I got out from being abused by a family member years ago. It was tough to stand by my guns as everyone told me to go back and reconnect as that the perpetrator had promised to improve. There were guilt trips, bribes, blackmail and lectures. I seriously doubted my resolve as I was told I was a terrible person for doing this and I should think about how it makes everyone else feel and how bad it makes the family look. You can expect the same and it is tough to ignore. But I stayed firm and I am not sorry in the long term. You will be able to as well. You are not a bad person for doing this and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. It's not your fault either. 

Obviously counselling is important. But I would also talk to a lawyer to discuss your options. There may be a not for profit legal group in your area if money is an issue. 

When there is an incident, write down the time and date it happened and what occurred in as much detail as you can as soon as you can. Keep it somewhere safe (maybe a lockbox or sealed envelope that's hidden), give it to someone to look after outside of the house or e-mail it and then throw it away. It will help for any legal action you need to take. If you see an incident is about to escalate, try remove yourself as quickly as you can to another room, outside or go for a drive or a walk. No explanation or permission needed. Your safety comes first. Also maybe find out if there is a shelter nearby that you can stay in if you can't stay with friends or family? 

Please don't be scared to call the police if you need to, even though it seems incredibly daunting. Abusers rely on the fact that victims are too scared to tell someone. I was sorry that I was guilted into not using this service as often as I needed to (people would say things like "people don't call the police on their own family" or "if they go too jail it will be your fault" along with threats of retribution from the perpetrator) when I was within my rights to do so.