Feeling Trapped

[Rex007]

I have been married for quite a number of years now and truthfully I feel like it should have ended at least 7 years ago. My partner is very controlling and is more likely to give me orders than to show any kind of affection. At best we are just friends which is how she wants it to be. But it feels so lonely living like that.

So why don't I leave? The big reason is because we have two kids 18 and 15 who have high functioning Autism and high anxiety as a result. I don't see any way that I could leave without them blaming themselves for the breakup.The other reason is because I don't know how to leave. I've been in this "marriage" for so long now that I don't know I could manage it. I have no family or friends that I can rely on - it's just me trapped, wanting more but knowing it'll never get better. I feel that she would get bitter if I left. I'm just tired of getting blamed for things when I work so hard.

We have done marriage counselling (a few sessions anyway) and it was enough to realise that we both want different things. I just don't know what the next step is. I'm afraid to jump but know that I want to. P.S. I don't want to leave my kids because they bring the nost joy - I don't know what will happen there.

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Rex007,

A very warm and caring welcome to our forums…

Its hard isn’t it to leave a spouse when children are involved?…I was in a similar situation but with a very abusive husband, too scared to leave for many reasons….one was because we had children and another because of fear….When I think back, and ask myself if I would have done different the answer is yes….Children can sense a lot more then we give them credit for…

No one can tell you what to do, I think you need to follow your heart, living in a marriage that you feel trapped, alone, unloved in…might in weeks, months or even years cause your mental health to decline…You deserve to be happy, I’m so sorry that your in this difficult situation…I think it’s a matter of weighing up the pros and cons and see what would be best for you…

Do you think that sitting down with your children and reassuring them, that if you decide to leave…that you love them unconditionally and they are not the reason you decided to leave… that you will always be there for them and can come visit/stay with you at anytime they want to….

My kindest thoughts and care Dear Rex007..

Grandy

[Juliet_84]

Hi Rex007,

I am in a similar situation to you, very lonely but unsure whether I have the strength to go through the tough part or just keep going with the same lonely existence. I suppose the thing is that things will never change if we don’t do anything about it, we are essentially just running out the clock of our life, which makes me sad. Your children are a consideration of course but they are not young at 18 and 15. They have high anxiety yes but life is full of uncertainty and their life will not be any different to anyone else’s with challenges along the way. I suppose what I’m trying to say is that you can’t forego your own happiness to smooth life out for them. As an anxiety sufferer myself, I am often keen to avoid situations that cause me anxiety but the reality is that the more I close my world down the more anxious I become. We only truly learn to deal and overcome anxiety when we confront it and don’t give in to it. I hope that you find the courage to live a life that brings you happiness. 

[quirkywords]

Rexooo7

you can see by the replies you are not alone. I am older and my children are adults and live their own lives but I find it hard to leave even though partner is controlling and gaslighting. There are times when he is kind and caring.

Only you know what will help you. Can you have your children you or is that not suitable.?
I understand how hard itis for you when you have your children to think of.