Feeling so sad - husband gone

[BeyondSad]

Hi all... My husband has been verbally abusive for a few years. Before this started, he was a great husband and father. It usually happens after he has been drinking (I think he has a problem, he does not) and happens in front of our young child, which breaks me and is why I have kicked him out... this is the 3rd time 😞

Its been over a month and I can't cope. He doesn't see our son much (he has always been a good dad so I struggle with this). My son always down and constantly asks when will he see dad. He is too busy with his mates to care about us. I've been physically sick all week from stress and feeling sad. He has just thrown me (and his family) away.

My heart is broken into a million pieces and I just need some advice to cope. Thank you for listening.

[blondguy]

Hello BeyondSad

Welcome to the forums and good on you for having the courage to post too!

You are grieving and I understand as my dad used to be very verbally abusive as well (in the 1960's) after he was drinking. We were only little kids under 10 and we are still paying for the abuse now with various anxiety and depression issues as a result.

I really felt for my mum as she was flying solo trying to keep the 'family' together during many years of abuse.

You have done what all us kids (I am in my 50's now) wished mum would have done. In the 1960's that just didnt happen.

The Beyond Blue forums are a non judgemental zone, this is only an earlier experience of yours

It is so sad that you had to 'do the right thing' at the expense of your own feelings.

I can feel the pain you are expressing and I dont blame you for a second. It would be very difficult

You were very generous with providing 3 strikes to your husband. You have done everything you possibly have to ensure your son's and your own well being. That takes a huge amount of caring and being a proactive mum

If I may ask you BeyondSad, do you have even a couple of friends (support network) that you can confide in?

Even GP's are more qualified on these matters than they used to be even 10 years ago....just an idea...

I am sorry about your heart being in a million pieces.....that is an awful feeling to have.....yet its been only a month...the emotional wounds would still be fresh as you know

there are many very caring people on the forums that are in similar stages of pain that can be here for you

I really hope that you can stick around the forums and talk to us. You are not alone here at all

If you are stuck Beyond Blue have great qualified non judgemental people on the 24/7 Support line 1300 22 4636

my kindest thoughts for you in this difficult time 😞

Paulx

[Steveo25]

Hi all, I am new on the block. After reading this post I would like to point out that there is two sides of any problem. I would suggest Beyondbad should try and find out why he drinks so much, of a course he would deny it because he wants to show he is in control, strong and dominant. Because as you all know, its a rat race out there and he does not want to be run all over. Yes he is wrong in verbally abusing you, but hey try another form communicating, kids need Dads.

[geoff]

hello BeyondSad, I am really sorry that this has happened, but when people drink they develop a different personality, a mind of their own, and with you he's been verbally abusive, and you have told him to leave twice and this time it's the third time, and no attempt has been made by him to contact his son, and if he wanted to then he would have tried within this last month, so what are his priorities, maybe the grog or he wants to be disassociated with his family.
I do accept that there are two sides to the story, but he is not doing anything to protect himself, and he won't if he is an alcoholic, because the grog is more important than anything else.
You have to accept that you can't have him return if he's still drinking, and be wary if he tells you that he has stopped drinking, because within a few days it will be too much for him so he his drinking will once again start, unless he says he goes to AA and in rehab, but remember 'actions speak louder than words'.
I would contact Al-Anon so that your son can have a talk with them, it's where children can talk when they have an alcoholic parent, plus can I suggest you go and see your own doctor', because there is help out there for you, but would love to hear back from you. Geoff. x

[plodalong]

hi beyond, so sorry to hear what has been happening. It did/does not sound like a healthy relationship. You do need to keep yourself and your children safe. Keep safe. It is the number one priority. Yes, you are left to deal with your son asking 'when can I see Dad?' - I can empathise with you, although my situation is a bit different. You have asked for advice to cope..so some suggestions for you:

Please take care of *you*, lots of self care. Please gather information about keeping safe - I don't know if there could be any more violence? Please connect with agencies that help in this area and talk about your safety. Are you trying to connect with friends and family to ask for support? Take it one day at a time, and please be really kind to yourself. You are a good Mother, trying to keep safe and keep your son in a healthy place.

Your husband needs to help to deal with the drinking, and he needs to work out why he is doing it? He needs to choose to get help himself. Is he doing it to cope with a mental illness? family of origin stuff?

I hope those suggestions are helpful. take care.

[BeyondSad]

Thank you everybody for your response.

I don't have many friends unfortunately, and my best friend recently moved interstate.. I think this is why it's even harder for me to deal with this as I'm feeling very alone. But I do have very supportive parents.

I visited a GP who has given me a referral to see a psychologist. They also gave me medication but I didn't react well taking it so have been too scared to try again.

I wish my husband would wake up and get himself help but unfortunately he doesn't think he has a problem 😞 I know I have to accept that I can't change him but it's still so hard to accept he is gone and has given up on us.

[blondguy]

Hi Beyond

Thankyou for posting back to us. Its always nice to get a response.

It would be very hard to accept his absence since he has gone. You are grieving and will take some time.

Plodalong is spot on about your children and your own health are paramount here....nothing else.

Good on you for seeing your GP and getting that referral. You are doing so well with organising the support you really deserve. The meds can be a bit scary at first. Ive been on anti depressants for 21 years. Those initial yuk feelings do go away after a little while. Just for me they gave me my life back when I combined them with frequent counseling

If you are stuck or just need a chat you will never be alone here. We are more than happy to support you if you need us for anything.

you are so much stronger than you know Beyond 🙂 Great news about the counselor!

my kind thoughts for you

Paul