feeling lost

[countrybride]

I don't really know how to start..which may just be the crux of the issue. I come from a family that ironically is rubbish at communicating (ironic because my dad is a counsellor that specialises in relationships). I have recently married an amazing man who seems to be more comfortable sitting in silence. I don't know how to start opening up to him, which I really need to do. Recently I've been feeling broken and emotional because despite how hard we try, we can't seem to get pregnant. I've been trying to hide how much this is hurting me so that I don't become a burden or "too much to handle". I know he knows something is wrong, but because neither of us is amazing at this talking thing, I'm sure you can imagine how well that's going. It seems to be growing harder to deal with it recently; I'm not one that cries, but I seem to be crying at the drop of a hat. It isn't helped by the fact that my husband deals with illness and issues by shutting himself off. So now that I need physical contact and emotional support, He doesn't know how to do that for me. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to start communicating or coping strategies? I'm sorry about the word dump, but I need help. I have become adept at putting happy faces on at work, I really don't want to be wearing them at home.

[J-J]

Hi Countrybride's,

I believe that stress plays a big part in not being able to get pregnant.

It sounds like you are feeling helpless because you have no plan forward.

I would recommend going to a GP and getting some advice about getting pregnant. They should take bloods and offer you some treatment to help.

Take the pressure off yourself, eat really healthy clean food, heaps of sunshine for vitamin D.

Men can be a pain with their emotion sometimes and just shut down emotionally. Maybe let him know he can go out for a boys night because when guys get together they talk and get things off their chest.

Sometimes it feels horrible people get pregnant and people who actually want kids can't.

I can tell you will be a great Mum by how much you care before your child even arrives.

Best wishes

[Juliet_84]

Hi countrybride,

Many men have trouble dealing with emotions and can avoid them like the plague. However, I think that some are just not used to sharing their emotions and can be taught over time. I would tread very carefully at first and start by warming him up. I think it’s also very important to not be critical or blame him, but rather say “something has been on my mind and I was hoping that I could lean on you a little bit for support”, something that makes him feel needed. As far as physical contact, I think you may need to be the one to initiate that. Perhaps sit on his lap at the kitchen table and throw your arms around him and kiss his head. Start to make it a playful part of your repertoire and then say how much you are enjoying the newfound contact (even if it is you doing it), he will hopefully take a bit of the initiative and get more comfortable with it over time. Sometimes we do our partner a disservice by assuming they will act a certain way, but sometimes they just need a bit of encouragement. Just be prepared at the start that he may want to “fix things” rather than offer emotional support.

[smallwolf]

countrybride,

Hi, and welcome to beyond blue.

As a male I can identify with your husband's silence. Probably for different reason though. I suck(ed) at talking to my wife about my/our problems. I am getting better at it.

One if the possible problems, at least for me, was (1) not knowing where to start (2) trying to get thoughts out in some sort of order (3) having different things I wanted to say (4) going off on multiple tangents at once. You can tell where this is going?

The best way I found to initiate a conversation was via email, or a note. The thing about an email is that once it is sent you cannot really undo it.Additionally I could/can get those thoughts in a more logical order. Everything that I might screw up verbally does not happen in an email. And you can get ALL those thoughts out and into the open. And if you are honest and true, without being critical of the other person, the relationship can also deepen. At least that is what I found.

But it was and/or is a really good helper to get the ball rolling so to speak.

More ideas later,

Tim