Feeling hurt

[flossie62]

I have been away from this site for awhile, but tonight I feel like I have to write down what has just happened as I feel so sad. I have been feeling so good recently. Even after having a fall 2 weeks ago, and still carrying the scars and bruises, I have managed to cope quite well and kept myself busy and happy. But tonight, out of the blue, my husband's friend of over 60 years told him via text message not to call again and to 'have a nice life'. My husband and I cannot think of any reason for this message and it has hurt both of us so much. We don't know what to do.

I feel very teary and sad, and I can't focus on anything else and we keep asking ourselves why did this happen.

I ask myself why do we even bother to have friends. There doesn't seem to be any point, when they make you feel so bad when that friendship is taken away suddenly.

[Anthony83]

Not sure if i could be of any help as i would class myself the hermit friend. Mainly because i have done this to friends in the past over the littlest things iv assumed to happen. For instance as one that lives a similar life to your friend and alone, by myself all the time without talking to a single person for days on end. It can be the littlest thing like a phone call that didn't come though on an expected day or time. Leaving him with the thought of 'they don't care' or ' they have an issue with me' ect.

It's very hard to deal with depressing thoughts by yourself without anyone to talk to; they can snow ball into all sorts of accusations that are probably not true. Even when you know this deep down they still grip tight and wont let go. All i can suggest is to send a message/letter/phone call explaining you will always be there for them (sometimes best to act like nothing happened or changed at all). Your friend will probably regret their decision down the track, i know i have many times and it soon becomes too late.

Many times we forget by staying silent the impact of our decisions has a ripple effect leaving the other party (yourselves) feeling unwelcome (much like you stated your husband feels). I personally find it then gets to a point of "no return", where they may feel ashamed to contact or speak to you, even though deep down they may really want to. That's the point of watching their phone ring but ignoring the call only to feel worse later.

With myself it can take days or even months till i feel the courage to speak, however by that stage the damage is be done. 60 years of friendship i doubt they would really want to let go, especially without explanation. This is just my perception as to what they may feel, as i have basically done the same with close friends. Depression hits hard and all i want is to be alone till the point of realization kicks in, they have completely gone; that only makes the feeling worse.

I suggest just keep in contact, don't expect a call back in a hurry, then oneday out the blue they might return the call. Your friend may not even speak a word of it, but for me that's a way of avoiding the ashamed feeling and embarrassment. Not sure if my two cents is of any help, just thinking from the other side of the fence and mistakes i have made.

All the best and good luck.

Anthony.

If only i could take my own advice sometime...

[flossie62]

Thanks Anthony for your thoughts. I have taken them on board. Our friend is a strange sort of fellow and doesn't care about the fact that he is alone and has no-one to talk to (or so he says). He stays in bed most of the morning, and at night he will watch the news, then turn the TV off and just sit in his lounge chair drinking. He drinks home-made beer with hardly any sugar in it, so it's not like he's getting drunk. He is a creature of habit. We have enjoyed his friendship over the years and felt that he appreciated us staying in touch with him.

I have finally plucked up the courage today to send him a text message. No reply so far, and I'm really not expecting him to respond, which means that we'll probably have to go to his place in the near future and see if he will talk to us.

[Anthony83]

Hi flossie,

That is great to hear, by the sounds he may very well be depressed; sitting in the dark alone, thinking is a sure tell tale(i know because i have many times). I am also guessing he is from an era of "be a man and deal with it" maybe why he's stubborn to seek help. Just a thought, has he lost anyone close without his control recently?

I wouldn't write-off the no reply off too quickly either; for myself receiving a msg alike when in hibernation, speaks a million words. It tells me that they do care, and i am actually on their mind without being present. However it could be a case of needing to get the courage up, and speak to the individual after i have ignored them (a very hard feat in itself).

Anyway i could ramble on forever about my personal ways, but i have to say it's great to hear you haven't given up (regretfully many had in my life). Sometimes it's a cry for help then that line blows away in the wind leaving one to feel alone and ashamed.

Anthony

[flossie62]

Hi Anthony83,

Our friend hasn't lost anyone recently. He doesn't really have any friends and he doesn't keep in contact with his family. Two of his sisters will ring him occasionally, but no-one else. He is very stubborn and purposely turns people away. He doesn't like visitors and we have felt privileged that we were the only couple he would allow into his house.

I feel much better knowing that I have tried to make contact, and he now knows that I care. But to us the silence means that he has made a decision not to be friends anymore and he's going to stick to that decision. We just hope that one day he might change his mind, but not convinced that will happen.

My husband and I feel very sad about this happening and makes us feel what is the point of trying to have friends.