Feeling hurt and empty

[Nini02]

Feeling like my relationship is now done and at rock bottom. I feel as though we are both to an extent in the wrong and lack of communication has led us to where we are. I would get upset if he was with friends for a drink or two because when we were together I feel like the phone and social media was taking over (probably both ends, but more so his). He ended up cheating on me once with the influence of drugs, and I decided to give it another go because I love him deeply. Since then, he opened up to me about a lot (he struggled with showing any emotion, I feel his childhood has to do with that) and things were going a lot better with everything. It came to my birthday and I got upset and cracked as he left it so late that I didn't even get anything (to me it was the thought and not actually not recieiving a present that upset me). Because of my reaction he told me we were done and need a break to think. I'm struggling as this has only happened 2 days ago now. All I want is for everything to work out in the end and I just don't know how to come to terms with everything. I know most people would say I'm stupid for staying and even more stupid to still want him in my life, but I really can't help my feelings. I fault myself a lot for being so grumpy if he had a few drinks after work with mates and feel as though that has lead to everything that has happened/gone wrong with our relationship😭

[james1]

Hey Nini,

You're among friends here and we definitely would not say you're stupid for staying or still wanting him in your life. It makes total sense.

Even despite a lot of the pain he's caused you, you still love him because you recognise there were good times as well. And truthfully, they meant a lot to you so you feel like you can't just leave them aside and kick him out of your life.

It's hard to say how things will turn out because it sounds like there are things he needs to discover for himself about himself. And for you, it's really a matter of coming to terms with the fact that regardless of whether you guys stay together or not, the relationship will change as it has already.

I think the best thing you can do now is let him do his thinking. If you cut it short, he will be unprepared. But make it clear that while you'd be prepared to support him because you do love him, you won't put up with how he'd been treating you. And while he's doing his thinking, it might be better for you to take time for yourself and do things you like to do. If he makes contact again later, you'll be in a better spot to know, for yourself, whether a relationship with him will be good or not.

It's super hard to just leave something hanging like this, but he needs to sort stuff in his head and judging by both of your reactions, I think a fractured relationship will only confuse things more. At any rate, you deserve better than to be treated like an afterthought and hopefully he'll come around to that realisation.

James

[Nini02]

Hi James,

Thanks for your advice, I appreciate it.

I definitely haven't and will not be the first to make any contact. I already feel like a sheep sitting here and waiting for him to decide even though I feel he's done. I guess it's the best thing to be happening right now as I feel as though I need to figure out some things for myself and work on them. I guess my mind is just a mess with what he was saying before he decided this. He told me he still loves me, he'll be there no matter what, and financially will help me(although I don't need/want him too). I just then think well why say these things if you're happy to leave things this way. I feel like at the moment he has chosen his friend over me as he got very close with him (he is from inter state and hasn't made many good friends at all... this one guy is the only one thats made effort to be friends). Im struggling to deal with that also as his friend has a big problem with alcohol abuse and I didn't really want him to be an influence on him.

[james1]

Hey Nini,

Sitting and waiting for the bad feelings to go away is a horrible feeling, but the sadness is part of the healing process. I know it doesn't really help to hear it, but I suppose it may as well be said.

I think you're spot on in saying you need to figure out stuff for yourself as well. It's okay that your mind is a mess, but good on you for recognising what you need to do, even if it is really hard.

I think it's unfair of him to say that, even if it's true. But it's hard for us not to when we're confused. But love doesn't always mean the relationship should continue. We are very capable of loving others and, not to make it seem any less special, it can only take a relationship so far. In this case, it seemed like it wasn't able to take it beyond whatever issue is causing him to grow closer to his friend at your expense.

I went through a break up last year after just over 4 years together and that was pretty rubbish. I was probably more sitting in your ex's shoes which ended up with me seeking a psychologist and landing in hospital. As it turns out, I was never really ready for a relationship because of childhood issues and somehow managed to drag it on for a long time. I didn't really find anything helped me get out of my sadness, but I really tried to do things that I could count as an achievement. Camping solo, travelling solo, learning something new, writing...that kind of thing.

James

[Nini02]

Hi James,

Oh, wow... yeah I can't even imagine how you must have felt. But you seem like you have such a good head on your shoulders, so really, amazing work for getting to where you're at now. And yes, you're right, the best thing anyone could do when they're going through rough times is to just keep busy and distracted.

I have been with him for a bit over 2.5years but he's my first boyfriend and definitely my first love. We live together (well his at his friends and I'm at my parents house at the moment) so I guess I'm just dreading waiting on an answer and having to go through it all again by going back home and picking everything up and splitting ways if it gets to that point and I'm so reluctant to get my stuff and leave now as I just don't want to come to terms, yet, if this is the end😩

[james1]

Hey Nini

Yeah I can understand that sense of dread while waiting with your stuff there. When she broke up with me, she seemed to make it pretty clear that she wanted it to just happen and be as easy as possible. So I basically sped up the process by, that very night, packing all her stuff and driving to her place to give everything back. She gave me my stuff back too. Aside from a hiccup (forgot the bicycle), that was basically the nail in the coffin for us.

But it actually turned out to be a blessing in disguise. I don't know if maybe we would've gotten back together, but I honestly think if we do/would've, it would've happened despite us giving each other's stuff back.

I'd probably suggest the same for your case - your past relationship has ended. If anything happens in the short or long term future, it'll be a new relationship. It's really hard to come to terms with that though 😞 But it really is a good thing. If something happens, you'll both be in a better position for it. If nothing happens, well, you get your clothes back 😛 A person's gotta stay dressed to keep up the pretense of being okay, right? 😛

Here's a hug, and don't feel silly to hug yourself every once in a while too.

James