Feeling alone, like the world is impossible and happiness is for the lucky
I am struggling with Anxiety (GAD) and Depression. I am the breadwinner at the moment. My husband also works fulltime but I earn the larger salary that pays majority of our bills. I got a really good career opportunity in a coordination role which I really love but it is very high stress and the only way for me to reduce that stress would be to let go of that role and/ or work part time and earn less (and we are just scraping by each fortnight on bills). Anyway, like I said, I love my job (not the workload) and I really love being a mum. My husband and I have had a rocky relationship over the years. We always struggled a bit with communication and resolving conflict in a peaceful way. Having a baby really made things worse but we have been working on it and trying (we are both fiercely loyal). See the thing is, he also has been diagnosed with depression. He can be really supportive but he can also be very isolating and he can get angry (never hurt me physically). He is not taking medication and not seeing a psychologist (and I have spoken to him about it and he is adamant he doesn’t need that and our fights are nothing to do with that). I feel like I am constantly walking on eggshells around him. Today I went into the kitchen to tell him something cute our son did. He was about to do the dishes. I had just been home sick all day and had a rough day and was excited to be spending time with him. He then asked me to leave him alone so he could do the dishes. I quickly tried to organise something (babysitting) after a brief conversation with him and he said I should leave again. I said ok and went to get a drink bottle for my son and he just lost it and got angry and upset. Marched into the bedroom and just lied in bed with his phone. I went to apologise and he just was so upset and angry. This kind of thing is just so bad for our marriage and my mental health is feeling extra low some days because of this relationship eggshell walking and a highly stressful job. I have been so severely stressed for the last months. The thing that matters to me is my family and it feels like we are both on and off miserable with each other. I love him but I do sometimes wonder if it is emotional abuse? He does this kind of thing frequently and then apologises then it happens again and again. I don’t know if I am just overly sensitive, but I feel like I am going in and out of severe depression lately. Advice please
Hello and welcome to the beyond blue forums.
I guess the first thing I want to say is that you should not have to feel like you need to walk around on eggshells. I am also aware that mood swings and depression are related and if someone doesn't want to get help there is little you can do?
With your own situation are you able to speak about this with anyone? Family? Or professionally?
There are times when I have to speak with my wife about things and the advice I was given was to use "I" communication and to tell your partner about the effect this situation has one you. And you can also use empathy perhaps if their work is getting them down?
You could also chat with the people from 1800Respect if you feel this is abuse. I cannot really tell, but if it doesn't feel right...
My feelings is that you deserve to feel respected and with everything going on for you at the moment with work, baby and husband's depression it would be overwhelming.
What do you want to see happen? Or change?
Hello Elsbells, whether this is regarded as emotional abuse may be so, but it's not that easy to define when two people are suffering from depression and acting out because of this illness, however, it could be gaslighting and won't repair a relationship.
Along with this he is denying seeing a psychologist as well as not taking any medication and being in your situation can I ask whether you have seen your doctor.
Do you know who he would be contacting on his mobile phone and if there has been a pattern developing over a period.
Hope to hear back from you.
l can understand why he ended up that way in the kitchen. He was nice the first time but you see that was a warning that he knew he couldn't handle anything right now and he just wanted to be of on his own doing the dishes. So to then turn around and try to organize something like babysitting, that would've been the last thing he'd feel like.Organizing anything would've been the last thing he felt like. But then he did quietly warned you again, but then you go to the fridge, which l bet was near him or he had to move or it just mentally disturbed him even more and something and pop. And then to go into to apologize later, although you meant well and it was a really nice gesture from you, but that would've been even more for him.
You really did nothing wrong in any normal situation and you wanted to be near him and with him which is a lovely thing but the problem is , he just couldn't be at that moment , and that's why he popped. Had of you just walked in said something heeded the warning and just left him be, even give him a peck on your way out or quick cuddle, he would've been fine.
lt's a really hard thing to explain, near impossible especially when the other one just can't understand his needs at times like that. l'm afraid that was me back through the later yrs of my marriage and still to this day sometimes my partner now. Ex w really didn't do anything wrong in those ways, although every time she did wanna talk it was always house, bills , some appointment or rubbish , and sorry but the baby sitting reminded me of that straight of. l know these things have to be mentioned or worked out, but at times like the way he was feeling, which l'd felt 1000 times, - bad time is all.She could never understand the way it worked though which wasn't her fault, even l thought l was a nutter, buttt , that's depression. So many times if she'd had just come in , touch me or just be, or just ask how you doin babe, or anything,l would've been ok , maybe even talked a bit or held her. But at those times if it's felt in some kind of a pressure way or they just wanna talk all the usual crap, thatttt stuff, last thing you feel like or can handle.
lt's a crazy thing and so hard to explain , and it's not the partners fault yet they so often end up on the receiving end, l know . Even the being alone need is so unfair on them , l know.
Have you studied up on how to handle and be with somebody that has depression.?