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Feeling abandoned after years of marriage to an alcoholic

Community Member

Hi everyone, thanks in advance for your replies.

I have been with my husband for 12 years. In that time we have been through a lot. His twin brother passed away suddenly in an accident which has very much impacted out relationships.
My husband has an addictive personality and has had issues with gambling and alcohol. These things escalated after his brother died and the drinking is a huge problem now.

He frequently goes out to help a friend (maintenances jobs), and just doesn’t come home. Like tonight, our daughter has gastro and he hasn’t come home. He lies and tells me he will be home at a particular time, then says he will be another hour and another hour etc.

Whenever my husband says he is going out I get extreme anxiety. I think this is due to the emotional abuse I have coped in the past during his drinking.

I am at a point now that I am done, I’m extremely busy and need to concentrate on myself and our children, but I just cannot let go of the hope that things will change. Last week I left and was 99.9% sure I was done, but as soon as I seen him I just couldn’t commit to leaving and have given him yet another chance. I don’t know if I’m scared of being along, or scared of him loving someone else? But I just feel like we will be happier not together.

How do I let go? Does anyone have any advice on where to start with divorce when a mortgage is involved? I know I deserve better but can’t find the strength to leave.

1 Reply 1

Community Champion
Community Champion

Hello KD1234,

I'm sorry to hear about how the situation with your husband is going. It sounds like the marriage is really stretched right now, and you don't feel like being together is good for you anymore.

From what I understand, the two of you have not discussed separation at all, is that right?

I am not sure about where to start with divorce, but I imagine a lawyer could help with the mortgage as well, and I'm fairly certain you'd need a lawyer anyway.

Another place to start could be through a marriage counsellor, as long as you are both very clear about what your separate intentions for the counselling is. It doesn't even need to be to work at staying together - it could just be to air grievances in a safe place, and to then get a third party to help have those difficult decisions about what to do.