Father who drinks and my anxiety

[Puppies]

Hi ,

So for as long as I can remember, my dad has been a drinker. I’ve never really wanted to admit any of this so I’ve never written it down or spoken about it (except to my partner), so this is hard for me to do.

My dad works a stressful job, and he drinks basically every night. I would say he drinks a lot (bottles at a time). Sometimes he becomes quite happy, but other times he gets angry about things that happened years ago and he seems to go on and on and yells and it just makes my anxiety skyrocket, to the point where I have what I think are panic attacks. He mostly takes his anger out on my mum. He can be a not nice person when he’s been drinking, and often the next day won’t remember things that have happened or been said.

My partner and I are still long distance and I’ve been finding that when I’m at my partners house I get anxiety of a night time because I’m not sure whether my dad is angry or has been drinking etc and is taking it out on my mum. I find that I often (every night) text my mum asking if things are ok with her and my dad.

Ironically I had a catch up talk with my dad in the last day when I came back from visiting my partner. I actually mentioned to him about how I noticed I get anxious around people who are drinking, and I specifically mentioned a recent time where I was at a concert with my partners sister. He asked me if I get anxious in those situations (where people are drinking and getting loud) because of his drinking and his yelling. So he’s obviously aware, yet doesn’t seem to do anything about it. There have been multiple times where he’d say he’d quit drinking or that it’ll be his last drink (I believe he can stop because he has been able to for a few periods of time), but it doesn’t seem to be long lasting because then he gets stressed again.

I don’t like the way he treats my mum (when drinking), regardless of the situation in their relationship. If I was treated that way in a relationship then I would not be happy. I just get confused because in the past my partner and I went through difficult times and my dad had some things to say about me deserving better, yet I don’t see that happening for my mum.

I’m lost and confused and anxious right no because another argument occurred tonight. I don’t know if I have the right to tell my dad that I don’t agree with how things are brought up, or if I should deal with it and just let them sort it (even though it occurs often).

[Puppies]

Hi Geoff,

He actually tells us when he’s sober that he won’t drink or that tonight will be his last. So he knows what he’s saying. But then everything changes when he’s drinking and I hate it

If he’s saying when he‘s sober that he wants to stop does that mean anything?

[geoff]

Hi Puppies, there will be many different answers to the question you have just asked, and one answer is when someone, not necessarily your dad, but I've heard this so many times that tonight will be his last just to keep the family happy or in particular one person, but that's not easy for him to do, so it may make him turn into a 'cupboard drinker', where alcohol is hidden away in the shed, behind a bush or under the house.

He may have been told by his doctor that if he keeps drinking he will only have a certain time to live, he may or may not tell you, probably the latter or he may have woken up to any damage he may have caused.

It's good that he has said that, because what someone who is addicted says only time will tell, can you please let us know.

Geoff.

[Puppies]

Hi geoff,

Thanks for your responses.

I agree with what you said.

Things seem to be on and off ok and not ok. He's also got depression and anxiety so I guess that's why. It's just confusing and stressful for me because I also have anxiety and it's stressful and anxiety inducing to not be sure whether things are ok at home or not.

He has quit drinking before, so I'm not sure why he went back to it.

I just don't see a way for me to control my anxiety when he's having a bad day because he takes it out on my mum and yells at everyone and then goes days without talking to anyone. I feel anxious in my own house

[Puppies]

Hi how can I deal with it? I feel like I’m at the end of what I can deal with. I feel like I walk on egg shells and I’ve got constant anxiety both when I’m at home and when I’m at my partners house because I’m not sure what’s going on. He finds the dumbest things to get so angry about, and I feel he has little respect for me. As an example, I may be asleep at home and in the middle of the night he will start yelling and slamming doors, even if he knows that me (and others) are asleep. How is that fair? Why would anyone think that that’s ok? I get woken up constantly by him and his yelling about stupid stuff. I don’t feel comfortable either at my house or away from my house. When I see a drink next to his chair I just feel angry, I don’t want to talk to him and I feel my anxiety increase because I know that later in the night he’ll find something to get angry about. I want to talk to him and tell him how stupid it all is from my side, but I doubt anything would change, otherwise wouldn’t it have changed already?

[geoff]

Hello Puppies, I agree if he wanted to change and at least talk with you it would have already happened, I'm so sorry this is happening, and I'm also regretful that I haven't replied back to you, my apologies.

His behaviour is not helping the situation at all and no, it's not fair what he is doing to you.

Do you know what you're going to do because it's most inconvenient for you?

Please let me know what else you may have in mind on doing, and again utmost apologies.

My Best.

Geoff.

[Puppies]

Hi Geoff,

no im not sure what I’m going to do. I want to talk to him about it because I haven’t done that before, but I don’t know how to start or have that conversation.

I even get anxiety now being away from home (with my partner) because I don’t know what’s going on when I’m not there, and I don’t know whether he’s drinking a lot and really angry

puppies

[geoff]

Hi Puppies, there will be many questions you want to ask your dad, unfortunately, he probably won't let you in the door, in other words, he might get annoyed and ignore you.

You may give yourself answers, but he could be drinking for reasons that he doesn't want to disclose or he may say that there is no problem.

It's great you want to talk to him but I don't think much would have changed, except give him more space.

If you want, ask your mum to contact you on a regular basis, although this may make you worry more, but if your dad has been drinking for a reason, he will only stop when he wants to.

Are you able to visit your GP because your worry is a concern and needs to be helped with because you have moved out of home for this reason and you have to look after yourself.

Please get back to me as I'd like to know what's happening.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Puppies]

Hi Geoff,

My mum and I keep on contact every day that I am away from home, but I find myself asking multiple times a day ‘are things ok with you and dad?’

I worry that I ask to often, which I do but she usually tells me if things are ok or not. It puts my mind at ease when she says things are ok, and even though I get anxious when she says they’re not, at least I’m able to know and continue talking to her and keep updated.

im not sure I want to go to my GP or a psychologist. I tried going last year for my own anxiety but Ive been working on it better on my own than when I was seeing someone. My relationship with my partner is also much better now, and he is doing so great with his own mental health, which has helped a lot

puppies

[geoff]

Hi Puppies, you care a lot about your mum, that's lovely and I understand how you feel, but are you able to slow down on asking yourself whether things at home are ok or not, because it possible to go overboard where you worry about things that aren't happening, so try not to misinterpret the situation and please I only say this in a nice way.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Puppies]

Hi Geoff,

I surprised my family with a visit home this weekend. Things have been ok with them all.

Tomorrow I travel back home to my partner. I will take your advice and try to slow down asking if things are ok at home. I think I do it because when mum tells me things are ok then I find that I’m less anxious and can enjoy myself more because I have less worries.

I will try to take your advice

puppies