I am going through an extremely emotional breakup with my boyfriend of 2 and a half years. It hurts to breathe, I can't eat, sleep is fleeting. I don't know how to act, what to do or say, how to stop crying. I feel numb, yet the heartbreak is coursing through my body. I feel like I have lost a part of myself.
I suffer from extreme anxiety. I push people away to protect myself from the inevitable. Its easier to be alone so I self sabotage. When all I really want is to be hugged and told everything is going to be alright. I overthink everything. It is crippling and exhausting and makes me doubt everything. It makes me question everything. My anxiety tells me tgat I'm not good enough, not worthy. That I don't deserve to be loved.
He is a head chef. Long days and nights spent by myself, with my thoughts. He gave up. He stopped trying. He let me do all the housework, do all the cooking. He let me put in all the effort and then told me he wasn't sure he loved me anymore. Thats why I put the walls up. Now I don't think I can ever let them down again. I am broken. Destroyed. He was my end game. I never wanted to have kids, he changed that. I wanted it all. The wedding, the house, the kids. But he gave up, he showed me that I wasn't worth trying for.
I can feel the depth of your heartache and yearning. Breakups are horrendous. They take so much out of us emotionally...
You clearly have a great level of self awareness when it comes to understanding your own defence mechanisms e.g. the walls you build around yourself for self protection. I recently read a comment somewhere about how the fear of a broken heart can almost be as damaging as a broken heart itself...
I’m not sure if that resonates, but your walls made me think about that comment...I suppose your wall is a bit of a double edged sword. I understand it keeps you safe, which is good and it’s why it exists. But the drawback is I think it stops you from fully engaging with the full spectrum of human emotions...including the love and comfort that you secretly crave. Your fear of hurt must be so overwhelming...I feel for you...
It sounds like you really loved your boyfriend, and that you saw a future with him. He changed the way you saw your world and future...thing looked different with him in your world...
But now you’re left heartbroken. I feel not only are you nursing a broken heart, but you’re also mourning the future you once envisioned with him. It’s a double loss, in a way, and it makes it that much more painful...
I’ve had my heart broken before too, and I’ve also been the heartbreaker (so to speak). Sigh, relationships are hard, and sometimes as much as we may want, they just don’t work out...
My gentle suggestion is to nurture your feelings and allow yourself to grieve the end of a relationship. Honour your pain and be extra gentle to yourself. I know it may not feel like it now, but one day in the future, it will hurt a little less...
Is it okay if I ask how have you been coping since your opening post? I’m thinking of you.
Kind and caring thoughts,
Hello Acgto, welcome to the site.
For how you are feeling I'm very sorry, as I've employed chefs at different venues and know how they operate from day to day, and have made my life to be awkward in many ways, so I understand what you are going through.
He may work different shifts but then you are doing all the work at home so is there any difference, no, what a relationship needs to work both ways, one sided will never eventuate, because there will be a point in time where someone will want the r/lationship to balance out.
It's terrible it has come down to this and feel for you, but there are times when someone working as a chef believes otherwise.
I know how you must be feeling but please don't suffer by yourself, see your doctor and please come back and talk with us.
I am sorry to hear of your loss, I have been there and felt every emotion that you're feeling now. I am currently in a similar situation whereby my hubby has moved quite a distance away for work and I can't go due to child custodial problems. It is a lonely time especially when I have no support networks or family and live quite remote. I also feel anxious about the situation which isn't helping.
Have you tried speaking with your doctor about how you feel or seeking alternate therapies? I would also like to suggest that you try what is called thought diffusion, have a google, it may help you deal with your high level of anxiety. Try to keep your thoughts in the here and now, don't look back, you can't change the past, don't look too far ahead, you can't crystal ball the furture, just keep your thoughts on the here and now and try to not over catastrophize as in try to write down your fears and feelings and then rate them on whether they are likely to happen, how you would deal with these things if they did, what would you do. Lastly do you have friends or family close by you can talk to?
take care and always reach out, it would be nice to hear how you are going.