Family planning anxiety/IVF

[white knight]

Hi all,

I’d like to open up a discussion on family planning as being a baby boomer I’m concerned for the mental health of potential parents that decide to delay having children until around 38-40yo.

Such decisions is now commonplace. Prior to say 1995 we married under 25yo, had kids, then in our 40’s/early 50’s we toured the world ... now it’s the reverse.

My daughter 31yo highlighted this recently, her husband is just finishing his doctorate at uni and rather than get a high paying job they want to tour the world and rent rather than buy. They plan to have kids...”one day”.

My only solid concern with this new age plan is that we grew up knowing a/ the greater chance of complications giving birth late b/ the rush to get pregnant with much lower number of cycles left to do so/ the latter must add to anxiety.

There is other ramifications- you are much less likely to want to play with your kids when older (subjective), you’re not as close in age to your children and so on.

So what is the benefits of having kids later? Have you experienced anxiety and/or had to endure IVF? Do you have regrets in leaving the process too late? Did you have a safety plan for your anxiety and was it implemented?

Admittedly it isn’t logical in my eyes to leave the process late, but I do come from a different era so am wanting to be open minded.

TonyWK

[Guest_342]

Hello Tony,

I am a 38 yo female and I would dearly love to have a child but life hasn't taken me down that path to date - I haven't even had the chance to try because I've not found the right partner. So I can safely say that leaving family planning until this age is not always a choice.

I now have a partner and he is aware that I'd like to at least try to have a baby. But we're only just about to start living together.

I'm now is a situation where I've been told my folicle production is on the low end and in decline and that I need to somehow explain to my partner that I want to try to have kids but not pressure him. For me, I think this year will be my last chance. It's cruel.

I wish I could have done it earlier but circumstances just didn't lead me there earlier. I'd so love to give my mum and dad a grandchild and it scares me that I may never have the chance to be a grandparent one day.

I'm presently facing a strong possibility of not having children - it's hard when society is so geared towards families comprising children. I struggled especially during the lockdowns, as I saw the time flying by and myself ageing but also because all the talk at work was about the parents who were dealing with home schooling - no mention of people without kids who were struggling in different and often unacknowledged ways.

I'm starting to get some grey hair and it's so deflating to see that when I want to be a new mum. I do acknowledge your point about being an old parent with less energy. But I still have a lot of life to live and so much love to give.

hope this perspective is useful 🙂

[Juliet_84]

Hi Tony,

I agree somewhat with what you say, but I definitely think my parents (baby boomer) generation had it a lot easier with respect to house prices. I’m not one to begrudge anyone, no one can help the time they were born but that is the fact of sufficient supply versus demand at that time. The median salary in Sydney is roughly 70K but the median house price is close to a mil, so roughly 14 times. I have worked hard and saved my whole life, since I got my first job at 15. I went to university because my chosen career required it so had a $30k debt to pay off. I came out on a new graduate wage. I rented a cheap granny flat and drove a cheap but reliable car. I paid cash and never used credit. I was able to amass a large deposit but didn’t have the salary to service such a large loan as is needed in Sydney. I then learnt a valuable lesson in that money is a terrible thing to hold because it buys less and less with each year. While I continued to save over those two years, house prices went up roughly $400-500k. Eventually I had to take my money and move two hours away from my family and friends and start over, tough but necessary if I wanted to realize my dream of home ownership. I worked hard, saved, did without, had a better job than most but still couldn’t make it work. I similarly have doctor friends who are struggling to purchase a home now, something is definitely off when that happens. People should be able to have investment properties if they want but I do think something is wrong when people can have >10 investment properties or the amount of overseas investment, which then drives up rent and makes it even harder for young people to get a break.

[white knight]

Well ladies I confess to getting educated and I'm actually enjoying it. So many points I never thought of.

Guest 342, it is cruel. However 2 examples. My ex's family came from Holland. When my ex father was 41 and wife 39yo they couldn't have children. Their priest told them to relax. They had 5 children in under 6 years the last 2 were twins.

My school mates wife was 40yo and had 2 kids after then.

Stay positive.

Juliet, yes interest rates were terrible 1980's. That low interest loan from the zir force was accompanied by a 2nd mortgage at 21%. Robbery.

Karen, your thoughts on my female friend is likely the opposite in that female defence personnel are more likely to find a partner due to the many numbers of potential partners they meet, have kids etc. It's one big family.

TonyWK