Ex wife upsetting me - trying to move forward

[Guest_7403]

My wife left me 6 weeks ago because my cptsd was out of control and I wasn't making any efforts to get better.

I went to a private mental hospital for two weeks in an attempt to start my recovery.

Whilst in there she reached out and said maybe she'd like to try, she went back and forth the entire time and basically disrupted my hospital stay, upsetting me daily.

When I got home, she came over from her mums and hugged and kissed me, she did this for three days straight.

I messaged her on day 4 and said I felt really good and thought we had a real shot at this, she replied and told me that the romantic kissing meant nothing and she only did it to make me feel better.

I was upset and very hurt by her actions, as it meant more to me then nothing.

I awoke the next day to a message telling me she loves me but she doesn't want to try, doesn't want to continue and to respect her decision and not contact her.

So i haven't as I just want to heal and move on with my life and accept my marriage is over.

She works at my work and when I return from my work cover itll be hard to see her.

But today I get a knock at the door, and it's the police doing a welfare check on me saying that my wife has called and is concerned for my safety because I haven't messaged her and I haven't responded to my work place.

This is a lie, I spoke to management last week about my health and future plans.

I recieved a msg from my boss saying he's here to talk if I need anything just before the police arrived.

It's upset me, as I have respected her wishes, have done nothing wrong.

And now she's discussing my mental state with my bosses and making me out to be unstable which is untrue.

I just want this nightmare to end and move forward with my love. This just makes going back harder.

[Guest_7403]

I spoke to CS and they were no help.

Told me basically too bad, they expect payment regardless of financial position and if i can't pay due to debts then i should seek out a budget planner.

Its an appalling system, a woman can walk out on a marriage, leave you debt ridden from the marriage, deny access to your child and then come at you for maximum dollars through CS and is fully supported by the system in doing so

You should only be able to claim CS if the other parent is unwilling to care for the child. In this case im willing to have my daughter 5050 and am able too, but she has refused that and then got an ivo to block me from the going down the mediation and FL path because she knows im well versed in it.

It really sickens me, and there's alot of fathers out there denied access and living on nothing because of this...while the other party works fulltime, recieves centrelink benefits and then a cheque from you at the end of the month....living a relatively comfortable life

[Guest909]

Have you been in touch with the "Men's Legal Service" (MLS)? They might be your best option if legal aid is not available. At this point, I think you need legal advice and representation to sort out; child support, a parental plan, a false IVO, and property settlement. The right lawyer might turn things around for you. Doing nothing is not a option.

Here is a bit of info from the MLS web page; the service might be just what you need..

Men’s Legal Service was established in 2016 as a response to the observation that there was limited assistance available to men who were experiencing family law events.
Our founders were concerned that this lack of resources and services resulted in many men losing contact with their children after separation or divorce. It was apparent that a cause of this was that most of these men lacked the financial resources to seek the legal advice or representation necessary to navigate the family law system and satisfactorily resolve parenting and property matters.
Our mission is to make pragmatic, cost-effective legal services available to men at turning points in the lives of them and their families.

[Guest909]

I found a statement by professor Augusto Zimmermann (WALTA) to "The Joint Select Committee on Australia’s Family Law System". The statement touches on a number of issues that are applicable to you and the situation you are currently in. Worth a read; I think the professor had you in mind when he wrote the statement. The statement essentially supports what a lot of people are thinking about family law in Australia.

Here is the link:
https://mensrights.com.au/hot-topics/opening-statement-by-professor-augusto-zimmermann-to-the-joint-select-committee-on-australias-family-law-system-public-hearing-8-july-2020/

[Guest_7403]

Hi All,

Been a while since I've posted on here, figured I'd provide an update and vent a little on how I'm feeling...

Completed the trauma program a few weeks ago now, it was a real let down. I didn't find any aspects of it to be helpful in any way, shape or form.
The sessions were 3hours a week, the last session we spent 2 hours learning about "love languages" and which type we are. This stuff to me is juvenile, something a tween would do on Facebook as a quiz...completely irrelevant to me and my issues. The whole program was like this..it was very dissapointing to wait so long for this treatment to be delivered that sort of stuff.

I sorted all my finances out, im now completely debt free...but it means nothing to me, brings me no peace or level of relief

Finished up with my psychologist last week, he basically told me he was not sure if he could offer me the type of help I need and that I should seek alternative therapies....so there's another waste of 5 months...back to the drawing board

Ive developed anorexia nervosa, lost 56 kilos of body weight now...theres nothing left of me...just bones. Psychiatrist has removed my meds now because of this, but won't refer me for my treatments because im to unstable and physically ill. Asked him what I do then? Basically told me I need to find a way to get stable before we look at anything....Gees thanks I guess I'm on my own

Organised legal rep, was all set for the ivo hearing, it was auto adjourned for another 6 months...meaning itll be 11 months before I even get to face the judge for an initial response...I dunno how that is fair?

Recieved a high distinction for my first uni subject last term, on track so far with my results to achieve that again this term...unfortunately it doesn't make me feel better...I could careless about a degree anymore...I just do it because im signed up to do it

Still barely seeing my other 2 daughters...cant bring myself to see them...dont know why..just break down before I see them and cancel everytime

Feel very lonely in this world, not really sure where to go from here...I simply exist, metabolise, sleep and repeat in these four walls. Have no desire to date, socialise with family or see my children. Such a miserable existence.

Thanks for reading.

[Sophie_M]

Welcome back to the Beyond Blue forums Theborderline,
It sounds as though it has been a swamped past few months for you. We're sorry to hear how unhelpful your trauma program was. We acknowledge that the "love languages" wouldn't be applicable to everyone's relationship. We can imagine how disheartening and frustrating it must've been to wait so long for this treatment and receive no benefit. It sounds as though things are tough at the moment but please know that there is support available to you - you're not alone.

Have you heard of the Butterfly Foundation Support Service? They're a helpline dedicated to supporting those concerned by eating disorders or body image issues. They also have a number of helpful resources on their website:

• Recovery from an eating disorder
• Eating disorders treatment

There's a lovely quote from their website that might resonate with you:   "Be kind and patient with yourself - Setbacks happen and recovery may take longer than you think. It’s normal to feel frustrated by negative thoughts and impatient with the process. Support can help you better understand why you might feel that way and it can also help you to come up with helpful ways to be patient and kind with yourself throughout the process." 

Thank you again for checking in with us, please feel free to do so whenever you feel up to it.  

[Guest_1643]

hi there

i remember reading your story a while back and feeling for you as the seperation was becoming acrimonius and confusing... i think anyone would feel alone and i wander if there has been a cruelty to this seperation which has made you feel the way you do - i'm so sorry to hear you are also struggling with anorexia and that the trauma group wasn't helpful.
please take care of yourself as i can see you are having a hard time and finding it hard to identify the right support. I've been there too and remember feeling desperate alone and overwhelmed. I hope you can find somene who is supportive or a program that isn't so inadequete as your recent experince with the trauma group.

[quirkywords]

The borderline ,

I have been reading your posts on here since the first one. I have admired your help to others as well and your willingness to share your experiences and your intelligence.

I can feel the pain and frustration in your words and your loneliness.

it must be difficult to bring yourself to see your children though you want to. Would some form of letter or email be possible or appropriate..?

I am surprised and disappointed the trauma course had the love languages as that is more for couples counselling.

it must be so disappointing that everyone who was supposed to help you says they now can’t.

I am pleased you could give us an update.

When you keep reaching out but the support offered is not there, it is hard to keep trying. I do hope you can find the support you need.

[Guest909]

G'day TBL

It's good to hear from you; it has been a while.

I looks like you are doing the modified two-step; two steps forward and one step back. Reading through your last post, I can see some positive developments. You are doing well at university, you have got your finances under control and best off all, you have engaged legal representation to contest that ridiculous IVO.

These are all positive steps in the right direction. Stick with the study if you can, you need something to occupy your mind. I plan on enrolling in a number of adult education courses again next year. It gives me some short term goals and who knows where that may lead later on.

The anorexia nervosa is a concern; I think you should get help with that. I have a female friend going through the same ordeal as you. In fact her ordeal is the mirror image of yours. She divorced her narcissist husband a few year ago. She has anorexia nervosa and she has just applied for an IVO against her ex. She is in a bad way, in fact I don't see how she will survive because she won't eat.

Stay in touch!

[Guest_7403]

Hey Mr Paul I seen a post you made earlier about just discovering the narcissistic discard, I believe I mentioned it earlier on in my posts here.
Its been nearly 7 months since she discarded me, and I am still unable to comprehend how and why someone can do it, and do it so easily and cruelly whilst making out to everyone that they are completely innocent and it was there only way to escape a horrible relationship.

But its all smoke and mirrors, and the more you read into what it is, the more you see how it was all pre-planned and set in motion months earlier, you just dont pick up on it.

The way they start telling people intimate details of your lives, they start to slowly defame you, painting you in a negative light so that by the time the discard comes people have a preconceived perception of you and why they forced too leave.

From her starting to flirt with my friend from work, to messaging him behind my back while telling me she wants the marriage to work, to getting me to sell my motorbike on the premise of paying down debts to restart our future together, telling me im her soul mate only days before leaving (when she knew she had already booked a storage cube for her belongings).

All these things are preplanned to set up there new life, you just dont know it and it makes recovery that much harder from a broken relationship. They truly are disgusting individuals that use you until you are no longer useful...and your discarded like a piece of trash, your reputation is damaged and your health suffers greatly...it makes me sick to think about it now.

They just come in and tip your life upside down and move on to the next person that gives them a buzz. The same thing will occur again...its just how long it takes for her to do the same to them.

She did it to her ex husband, she did it to me...

Two marriages shes walked out on before she was 30...shows her complete lack of respect for what a marriage is and her emotional maturity

I heard all the stories about her ex husband that she now tells everyone about me.

He abused her, he physically hit her, his family were against her and fought all the time with her, he was a crap dad, he didn't care about her or their kid, he cheated on her, he was financially controlling...the list goes on

These are all things she now tells everyone about me, and when you challenge what she's saying....straight to the court house for an IVO to silence you...and your powerless to do a thing....it truly is horrible what they do and how they do it. Its no wonder why I contemplate taking my life daily to escape the pain caused

[Sophie_M]

Dear Theboderline,

We're sorry to hear how much pain you are in seven months since your relationship ended and thank you once again for checking in and letting us know how you are.

Our Support Servce is reaching out to you via email as we are worried about you having mentioned daily thoughts of suicide. Please know if ever you think you are in danger of harming yourself that it is an emergency and you should call 000 straightaway.

As ever, do please keep checking in and letting us know how you are getting on whenever you feel up to it.