Hi Alel
My heart truly goes out to you while you deeply feel the impact of everything falling apart, a lot of those structures that once gave you a sense of meaning and grounding in life. I'm so glad you came here to express yourself while you work so hard toward making greater sense of things on your path in life.
Personally, I'm a gal who used to imagine one day gaining a kind of sage-like super happy form of enlightenment. Over time I came to realise that having light shed on certain things in life can be incredibly painful and disorienting. For example, if family is our foundation in life, from day one, what happens when we start waking up to certain faults in our foundations? If we're born to question what's questionable, challenge what's worth challenging and wonder about so much in life, could faults be found in the mindset and words 'Do not question me, just do as you're told!', 'Do not challenge me!' and 'Stop wasting time wondering about so much and just get on with things'? A major fault can involve suppression when it comes to who we naturally are (inquisitive, challenging and wonderful).
To leave a religion we were born into can be one of the most challenging things in life. While I was raised Catholic, I've gradually come to change my mind in ways as I see myself as more of a 'collector' of good teachings and principals. If you imagine yourself walking different paths in life with a backpack of tools, teachings and skills, it becomes a matter of 'What will I take out of that pack (that no longer serves me or weighs me down/depresses me) and what am I going to put in, as I go along?'. In that pack, I have a handful of things from Christianity, Buddhism, Hinduism, Taoism, Confucianism and there's even some quantum physics, psychology, biology, chemistry and such in there. Personally, I'm an explorer of energy and different takes on it (what moves it, creates it and depletes it - mentally, physically, emotionally and soulfully). Energy's a fascinating thing to study, from many different perspectives.
I can recall someone once saying to me something along the lines of 'While you stand at what you feel as a cliff's edge, know that you're on the verge. You are at the end of one part of your life and as you look up and out what you'll see is a whole new landscape. That's where you're headed. When it comes to unknown and unexplored territory, find your guides'. From psychologists, perhaps quantum physicists or pure analysts of some type through to philosophers, spiritualists or those on the forums here, guides come in so many different forms. Life can feel impossible to navigate alone, without them.
