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Estranged from daughter for 15 years

janedoe1970
Community Member

This is an ongoing and long term issue, and I am finding it harder to handle with each passing day.

I had extreme Postnatal depression after my daughter was born. There were multiple factors. She was premature, my parents moved interstate the day after she was born, I had undiagnosed mental health problems, and I had no familiar support. I was unable to care for my daughter after we brought her home and my husbands parents took on the responsibility to care for her. I refused any mental health intervention, as I couldn't accept I had an issue. If we could turn back time, eh?

Long story short- my in-laws became her sole care givers. It was several years later that I was finally diagnosed with Bipolar/Anxiety/Borderline personality disorder and given the proper care. But unfortunately, this was too late and I was never able to have my daughter live with us permanently.

We(my husband and I) continued to have regular visits with our daughter, and as she grew older our relationship became closer. After one fabulous week long stay our daughter conveyed to us that she would like to spend even more time with us. But when we approached my husbands parents with this, it did not go well at all. After attempting mediation with no result, we went to court to try and get more access. Unfortunately my in-laws used my past mental health issue and we lost.

Since then due to their influence and fear tactics, I have not seen my daughter in person for 15 years. she is now a grown woman who is married and has two children who we have never met. We've attempted to contact her in many ways but she says she wants nothing to do with us(me more so).

It's tearing me apart. I live with so much sadness/depression/guilt/anger every single day. Whatever I try to do makes no difference.

This forum give me very little space to write more detail, but there is so much more to this than I can write in just 2500 characters.

Because of my mental health issues, everything that I do in regards to my daughter is labeled as me being "Mental" by my husbands family. So if I get upset by being denied access, I'm a violent crazy person. If I show anger for those who have lied and said horrible things to me, I'm a danger to my own child and should never be allowed to see her again.

Just to be clear, there has never been any abuse to my daughter.

I have apologised and asked for forgiveness numerous times. Nothing...

12 Replies 12

Thank you Fairywings. Oh I know about Karma. I'm very patient. I'm no angel myself, but at least I have owned up to my past mistakes and admitted to wrong doings. And I have apologised more than anyone can apologise. So in regard to the Inlaws- I have no doubt that in the end they will answer for what they have done to us.

For years I kept a diary/journal. And then once I discovered the internet I had a blog. These days I hardly ever hand write anything, but do have a private blog that is strictly for my daughter/grandchildren. I tend to write high on emotions there. Which is probably the best and honest way. I can't do forced letters.

Thanks so much once again.

Hi janedoe. I had a feeling you were going to say this about your SIL. He obviously has listened to her g'parents ignorance, and ignorance on his part suggests he knows nothing about depression, or post natal depression. Also he refuses to believe this illness happens. Your daughter is extremely lucky she never experienced anything like that. Although, if she had, her g'parents possibly would've accused her of inheriting the illness. Ignorance is so hurtful. I think for now, your best solution is to try to remember the good times you shared with her. Accept that you can't change her mind and grieve. If you have photos of the times you shared with her, I would look at them (hurtful, I know), but in order to grieve you need to be able to see her as she was. Light a candle on her birthday, take your time to 'let her go'. Talk freely in your mind to her, tell her you love her and always will. Try not to dwell on the pain these insensitive people have caused you, that is counter-productive and will cause hate which will eat you. In time, you may even find it in you to forgive them for their ignorance. By grieving, you will become stronger and more loving. Keep a journal about your personal feelings and growth, or write to her and keep or burn the letters as you like.

Lynda.

hello Janedoe, I have read all the very good replies back to you in this difficult situation, and it is sadfor this continue on.
Let's say that you manage to make contact with her, so have you written down what you would say to her,understanding that she maybe reluctant to talk with you and on the verge of starting an argument.
If this does happen then that's where you have to stay strong minded and avoid any disagreement with her, because if you don't then your chances of the next contact will be virtually impossible.
So perhaps say to her that she can go first and listen to what she says, and then have your say, but remember her words aren't going to be what you want to listen to,and this is where you have to remain quite, but strong, because they will be defamatory words which she has have been told by her g/parents, but she needs to be told that you were sick and now getting treatment, and want to show her how good you are now, but once again don't argue with her, that will get you nowhere. Geoff. x