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Emotional affair were both so lost

Jane1234
Community Member

brief description, been together 12 years great until 3 years ago, my daughter from a previous relationship started highschool, lots of trouble, police came around every few months, every fortnight a different drama. Me and my partner were very distant. I never realised this at the time.......

he told me it was over, I thought there was more, so I kept asking him if there was someone else, a week later he admitted there was she was 26 he's 41.They meet when he was away at work, four months ago, she made him happy.

I told him to get out. I was so broken cried all the time it wasn't until this that I realised that I still loved him.

He still came around every second day or so just to check on things. I kept crying and telling him i wanted to try to work things out and that I forgot I was inlove with him. He kept saying he loved me but wasn't inlove with me and he wasn't comming back to this relationship too many dramas he wasn't being unhappy anymore and he had found someone who made him happy.

Two weeks after he went to he's mothers he rang me up crying hysterically telling me he was still inlove with me but doesn't understand how we could fix this and that he had called things off with the other woman.

He moved back in and everytime we tried to talk to each other, either the other woman or my daughter was brought up. We were totally upfront and honest with each other lots of tears, emotions and awkwardness both ways, this happened for four weeks. We were sleeping in the same bed, every night we'd cuddle and wake up kissing. He told me he was scared to try again, asked how could I still love him after what he did, told me he didn't realise I loved him, I wanted him to unpack boxes and change motels which he never did.

last week he went back to the same motel I was cranky and emotional, had an argument with him telling him we needed a break.

I sent him a message the next day saying sorry I didn't want to go anywhere.

he came home three days later, told me that he wasn't sure how he felt about me and thought me going away for a few days would be a good idea. He asked me if I would sleep in the same bed as him I said no if you want me to go I'll go but I can't do both. I never left but started sleeping in a different room.

Its been a week, he's still saying he's unsure of how he feels, he just needs time to make up he's mind.

How much time do I give him, How can he go from loving me to not loving me.

I feel so lost, distant and hurt at the moment.

12 Replies 12

JessF
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor
Hello Jane, it's a terrible irony that in a bid to escape drama you've both unwittingly cast yourselves in another one. I wish there was a quick fix for you, when your world and your rock is turned upside down like this it hurts to have to live in that every day, and the thought of living apart doesn't make things better either.

If you are both committed to repairing things, then unfortunately it is a slow rebuild. The way out is the same way you came in. Resentments and distancing in your relationship built up over time, and slowly, too slowly to notice it happening. Then things built to the point where it all exploded with the break-up. To get things back on track, you not only need to move past the explosion, but work your way back through what caused it in the first place.

What led to the distancing? Was it just the drama with your daughter? How close does your partner feel to his step-daughter? Does he feel like a co-parent, or is she just someone that takes your attention away from him? How much energy do you have left for anything after trying to manage what sounds like a very troubled daughter? How often do you talk about all these things and the impact its having?

Many questions, and many discussions to be had. I wish you the best of luck.

GoodWitch
Community Member

It is possible to love someone and have that feeling buried so deeply under layers of hurt and resentment that you can't experience the sensation anymore. Perhaps that's what your husband is going through, and why he says he loves you one minute but the next is confused again. In which case you both need to get to the bottom of why he feels as he does, and also what you have been feeling, what led to this break up and his affair.

Are you in a position to seek couples counselling? Relationships Australia (www.relationships.org.au or 1300 364 277) might be a good place to start. They offer counselling services and have some useful fact sheets on their website.

JessF asked a good question in regard to your daughter: Does your husband feel close to her? What is your parenting style--do you take care of her issues or do you and your husband share responsibility for discipline etc. equally? It's possible your daughter's issues are causing some tension but that's not to lay the responsibility for any of it on her. If she's just started high school she is ultimately a child, although I know how hard teenagers can be. I'm not sure why she's getting in trouble with the police. Perhaps it's you and your daughter who need to seek counselling first, if she's somehow putting herself in danger maybe you need to concentrate on her for a while, while your husband figures out where he stands.

I'm not sure how helpful I've been. Just wanted to offer some support and encouragement. Couples do move past infidelity, so another woman doesn't have to mean the end if neither of you want it to. I think you are at the stage where you need to figure out how to help your daughter, and how to co-parent effectively with your husband. If you can present a united front with her it might make all the difference to her, and for your relationship ultimately.

GW

Jane1234
Community Member

Thankyou both for your input it's very much appreciated.

Their relationship was amazing over the years but now he had nothing left for her. Well that is what he says. It feels like she's just kicked him again and he can't take that anymore. So I know that it's more about the hurt he's feeling at the moment.

My daughter sufferes from depression, anxiety, intermittent explosive disorder, and mood disorder and has been in counseling for four and a half years off and on and has also seen a physicist several times.

A week after he first came back she attempted sucide for the third time in the last 4 years, after she was realised from hospital she decided to go and live with her biological father who she hasn't had anything to do with for 8 years. This absolutely shattered him again. More the fact that she wanted to go and live with her biological father than with us.

The distancing was for several reasons work, both of us not having enough left for each other at the end of each day, him wanting a child of he's own and neither of us doing anything about this, her dramas, just neither of us putting in the time and effort over the last few years due to everything else in life. As he puts it him feeling like a door mat and me not showing him that I cared about that. We lost communication over the years he tells me I should have done more to pull her into line but I have always felt a sense guilt from the violent relationship me and her father was in and for staying as long as I did, I left when she was three.

I definitely don't blame her in the slightest he feels like she has just caused too many dramas so he is partially blaming her.

He says that there's still something there, he loves me but doesn't know if he's inlove with me, he doesn't want me to leave for good just a few days, he just needs space, he's scared of trying because nothing will change when she comes back. Some of he's actions are saying he wants to try again while others are saying he doesn't.

I know we can get through this but I don't know how to reassure him that it is possible.

This is driving me a little crazy. Lol,

Thanks again for the replies

It sounds like you are both just too emotionally exhausted from the roller coaster ride you've been on with your daughter to have time to invest in each other. That happens in a lot of relationships, even with kids who don't have the issues your daughter has. What she's experiencing with the depression and suicide etc is beyond my area of knowledge, I wish I could help with that. Hopefully someone else who's been through similar will post and offer more assistance. Is there any chance of all 3 of you having counselling sessions? Does your daughter write a journal? An outlet like that can be good for teens, but like I said I don't have much more to offer in terms of practical advice there.

I think though that you ought to stop blaming yourself for your previous abusive relationship, and for not leaving sooner. It's very difficult to leave a toxic partner. The point is you did leave, that's a good positive thing you did. And as your daughter was only 3 I think her issues are probably due to something else, not that.

Also it sounds like your husband is hurting as much as you are here. I'm sorry he's putting you through what he is but from what you've said at least it doesn't seem malicious. He's confused and hurt and tapped out on your relationship, as are you. Maybe you could try agreeing to be just friends for now and worry about if there's any romance left later? I know that sounds funny when you're married. But the pressure to 'feel the spark' probably isn't helping the situation tbh. Share a casual meal or watch an old favourite movie, no pressure, no sex. Just company. See how that makes you both feel.

You all need each other, your daughter especially. I hope you can find a way to all support each other.

Best of luck Jane

Thankyou very much Goodwitch. Just think I needed to get some thought out there and off my chest. You and Jessf have been wonderful 🙂

Brunswick
Community Member

Hi there. I don't know if this will help but I'm in counseling myself and I too have problems with my family at home.

I've found that the biggest problem (at least for me) is that we kept trying to fix it. The more we let go and accept one another and just try our best to help each other, the better our relationship became. We are all flawed in so many ways, and it's just impossible to live up to each other's expectations. It can be something as simple as waking up in the morning. I'm always in a hurry (because I have to go to work) but my wife likes to take it slow (she doesn't). So, I wake up earlier and give us both more time together. It's important to her, and our relationship (let's face it, :)).In return, she's recognized that I need my beauty sleep so she let's me go to bed earlier.

We always think, if only the other person doesn't do that, or do this. Maybe they're hot tempered. And we react with an outburst of temper ourselves, or point out their anger management issues. But it's really hard for people, including us, to change. It's more helpful to find a middle ground. Which is also hard, too.

And to be satisfied with the state we're in, no matter how dysfunctional we are. Just find ways not to let it go further worse. Maybe, after a good screaming match, instead of staying angry with one another, how about saying, "Well, that was fun." And maybe laugh about who was loudest, and whether the neighbors called the police this time. And after everyone has calmed down, give each other a hug and see if a better solution can be found.

Don't know if this works for you. It's really hard but I've found it better than staying in my present state and feeling desperate.

*hug*

Thanks Burnswick I do agree little bits from both of us is what is needed. But he is now still unsure of what he wants and how much chance we have of getting through this.

Hes scared really scared and confused about what he wants and where he wants to go from here. we don't argue very often more likely to ignore each other for a while then it isn't brought up again which hasn't helped in the past.

There are two posts in this forum that I find helpful. One talked about how, in getting out of depression, it's all about the small things - exercise, sleep, diet (eating good food, not junk), and finding things that make you happy. The other post said that maybe it's the world that's crazy, and it's logical to be depressed. Many great minds - comics, philosophers, artists - suffer from depression. If you think about it, most comedy is about how crazy the world is and how silly we are.

There's really no right or wrong (except the obvious ones like theft, murder and so on). Whatever works for you is right.

I find a good hug, chocolate and ice cream are amazing medicine. Also laughing at ourselves. Sometimes better than what the doctor prescribe.

Hang in there. You're fine. You have friends here. The world is OK. You are OK.

Jane1234
Community Member

Well he decided to call everything off. I'm just so completely heartbroken I spent the last few weeks crying thinking constantly about him I hate the way that I feel at the moment I don't know how I'm going to move on. His reasons for calling it off for good, he's got no feelings there for me anymore, he's always wanted to kid and I never gave him one, and he's just got too many regrets about our past together, he regrets our whole relationship I don't understand this because it wasn't always bad there were really good times there too. but he just doesn't seem to want to acknowledge that at the moment. anyway I hope that I will get through this, I know that I will get through this I don't have a choice I'm just wanting to slap him in the head and say wake up to yourself your wrecking our family.

at the same time how can I want somebody to be with me if it wasn't happy being with me I still feel as though he loves me is this just hope.