Dumped via instagram message while overseas on holidays and now my ex has asked for coffee

[Ry95]

I'm 24 and bisexual and was recently dumped whilst on holidays via instagram message. The guy I was seeing was also bisexual and I was his first male partner. He all seemed quite into it, but I suspect he is just insecure.

He said dumping me on holidays was the kindest thing to do as I could use the holidays to get over it?? Thats complete BS in my eyes, its obvious he just didn't want to do it in person. Thats pretty much the worst way to break up with someone and basically ruins their holiday.

Since the breakup he continued to comment on all my instagram stories with simple statements and not once in the past few weeks has he asked anything about me. It was weird and I had no idea why he kept doing it so I asked what the go was. He said he wasn't going to ask anything more substantial if im not going to reciprocate??? What does he expect, he literally broke up with me over message whilst on holidays.... A close family member of mine even passed in the past two weeks and he didn't even ask about that.

He has since asked me if I want coffee (after I disabled my instagram). I asked why and he said "to apologise and stay amicable". I don't know if I should go. I already had pretty bad mental health and this has made it all worse.

Going would perhaps provide me some more closure, but I also don't really want to give him the satisfaction as he hasn't shown any level of care towards me at all. It seems like he just wants himself to seem like the bigger person and and clear his conscience.

Thanks for any advice.

[Betternow]

Hey Ry95

I’m sympathetic to your plight. Getting the brush off through a software program is very poor form, I agree with you, it ain’t right

I can say that in my experience (I’m in my late sixties), when a person shows their true colours and gives you a clear message, rarely does it do any good to follow them up. My history with people who dump abruptly is they tie you up in emotional knots and before you know it, you’re left confused and hurt (again).

Take care of your mental health, politely thank him for the coffee invitation but say your good and you’re moving on with life. That is my advice.

[LeeA18]

What Betternow said “My history with people who dump abruptly is they tie you up in emotional knots and before you know it, you’re left confused and hurt (again).” is 100% correct. Best break up advice I have heard in ages. This could become a pattern. Catch his bluff, give him what he asked for and continue moving on.

Breaking up with someone over messages and claiming to be doing you a favour while on holidays is him justifying it to himself. It’s not right and anybody that’s in a relationship should break up with a person face to face. He is a coward. It’s way too easy for people to hide behind screens etc these days. I am old fashion though. He has shown you who he is now, believe it.

[Ry95]

Thank you for the reply. I do tend to agree with you that he was just trying to justify it to himself. However, I just feel like there is unfinished business to discuss... maybe that's also because I have pretty bad abandonment issues from as a child which is making the breakup a lot worse for me. Everyone has said to just cut him out from my life, but I really struggle to do that. I know catching up with him would probably make me feel terrible in the short term but it may provide a little bit of closure long term? or not... I really don't know.

[quirkywords]

Ry95,

Welcome to the forum and well done for sharing your story.

Many reading this will relate to what you have said about wanting closure.

Obviously the decision is up to you and it is seems you want closure.

I suppose you realise you may get the closure but maybe at the risk of affecting your mental health.

Is it possible you may never get the closure you want.

You will work out what you really need so you can move on.

Keep discussing here if you like. I am interested in what you decide.

Quirky