Dissatisfied with Vic police/legal response to FVIO request, so far

[The_Righteous_Dude]

Good evening,

After dealing with years of verbal abuse and coercive control, I finally applied for a family violence intervention order in late May.

After a few days of answering follow-up questions with a court registrar, I was told on a Monday that a court summons had been issued and would be hand-delivered by police.

By Thursday morning, no summons had appeared. I rang the local police and was informed it had arrived there on Wednesday, and may be delivered later in the day. I asked to receive advance warning of its delivery, so I could prepare myself; police promised they would send me a sms.

Eventually, the police came at 11am Friday. I didn't receive the promised sms and the police didn't stay long enough to answer any questions from my partner who isn't a native English speaker. My partner didn't realise what it was until the police left.

The following day, I rang the court to ask questions about what happens next; they advised that an interpreter would be present and we didn't need lawyers at this stage.

A week later, I needed to call 000 because I was afraid my partner would physically attack me. Two police came and got each person's version of events, advised no crime had been committed and they couldn't do anything and left. My partner and I both received generic text messages as the only follow up.

The court hearing was supposed to occur last Friday, but couldn't proceed because the court had forgotten to book an interpreter.

This morning, the hearing was "stood down" (temporarily adjourned) when the magistrate found out we both hadn't received legal advice.

We got the legal advice, but this afternoon we were the last case of the day, and it all felt rushed; I was dissatisfied with the process, along with the outcome: no interim intervention order. It has also emboldened my partner in their abuse, lying and playing the victim.

Not that it changes anything, but - having seen how male DV survivors feel in other threads - for the record, I am a male and my abusive partner is female.

As Victoria has had a royal commission into family violence, I would have hoped for a better response by the police and courts. I get that the system is overloaded, but still...

How can I get the legal system to recognise my abuser has a psychological problem when it is basically my word against hers?

Also, how can I complain to the police in a de-identified way?

[The_Righteous_Dude]

Thanks Juliet 84,

I had a bit of a look around online and found these most useful:

NPD - Causes, symptoms, treatment
https://www.psycom.net/personality-disorders/narcissistic/

9 Signs You’re You Married To A Narcissist—And What To Do About It
https://www.psycom.net/narcissist-signs-married-to-a-narcissist?src=embed_link

[blondguy]

Hello The Righteous Dude

Can I ask how you have been feeling during this difficult period? I understand as I have been in similar circumstances and it can be a stressful place to be in (understatement of the decade)

my kindest

Paul

[The_Righteous_Dude]

Hi Paul/blondguy,

To avoid repeating what I said in earlier posts, my overall feelings are:

1. Isolation
- I can't talk about these things with just anybody - social and work friends
- People with the power to do something (e.g. police, lawyers, magistrates, child protection services) don't seem to be taking my concerns seriously
- The lockdown makes it hard to connect with other friends
- Recently, a friend and work colleague who previously shared they were also a survivor of family violence, abruptly ended our friendship. Three months ago, they offered to e.g. let me crash at their place, so this was surprising and disappointing, to say the least.
- Instead of spending time with e.g. work colleagues who treat me with respect, I am stuck at home with my abusive partner.

2. Frustration and disappointment
- In some ways, I am back to where I started this journey.
- My partner's overall behaviour pattern hasn't improved. Any time I challenge her about inconsiderate or rude behaviour, she deflects it by saying e.g. I am always angry and how it is my fault.
- Regular people don't threaten to kill themselves and their own child. Why doesn't anybody take this seriously? Small update - Even Child Protection Services have decided that our child isn't at risk from her mother, despite what she said.
- Our child has special needs. We should be focussing on what is best for our child, not always struggling to get along with each other.

3. Anger/darkness
- As a consequence of #1 and #2, I find I am increasingly losing my temper at little things. It requires a lot of self-control to do the right thing and maintain the moral high ground, rather than take the easy way out.
- It is easy to get in a funk or give yourself a hard time when little things go wrong.
- It is not easy to find credible reasons to get out of the house, even when I know it is the best thing.

I am seeing a psychologist semi-regularly. It is helpful to talk it out with someone who cares and really listens. Having said that, it doesn't solve the problem: my wife's harmful behaviour and whatever condition is causing it.

[Sophie_M]

Dear The Righteous Dude, 

That all sounds really distressing, and I can hear (or read) that you are dealing with a lot right now, or have been for a while. 

We're glad to hear that you're receiving psychological support, even if it doesn't change the situation. 

We know we've mentioned this before, but we just wanted to remind you that you're always welcome to contact our counsellors for support. Our support service operates 24/7 and is contactable by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. Please also know that you can contact 1800 RESPECT on 1800 737 732 or by visiting  https://www.1800respect.org.au/.

We're glad you're posting here and expressing your feelings. Please continue to post as you see fit. We and our users are always available to listen and offer support.