Developed feelings for him..

[zodiacgirl]

I hope no one judges me on this.. I was happy and felt safe and that he respected me and we were both adults entering into this..

me and this guy were having a sexual relationship and i also thought we were friends too, but then after a while i also developed feelings for him. and he didn't want anything more and i just feel very hurt.
he told me he didnt want to pressure me into anything i didnt want to do, and only wanted a strickly sexual relationship and i told him how i felt about the situation because he asked and i said i couldnt do this if he didnt care about me.. and that I just felt used if the only reason he liked me was for sex.
and he just said he wasn't in anyway trying to make feel like (i was just being used) but couldn't change what i thought (??). I think he just means he doesn't want anything more. I think he knows I have feelings for him, and he doesn't try to talk to me, and I haven't tried to talk to him again, but he still looks at my things on social media. (I thought he would just delete me.)

this is what he said after i was starting to show a bit of feelings..

'look, when we first started talking we were both happy to have just a strickly sexual relationship, nothing more. while i hope to never have pressure/d you into doing something you don't want to do, i'm getting vibes now that you don't want this anymore. and like i said when we first started im not looking for a relationship. so i just like to know where you stand at the moment, cause ive been pretty forward in terms of wanting sex, ill admit that, and at no stage should you feel obligated to do the same if you choose not to, but i jus want to know where you see this situation.'

It just makes me feel like he doesn't want anything more because he just doesn't like me .. or it's not that and it's just his personal reason. He doesn't seem to want a relationship with anybody though. I just hope if someone can say if he still sees me as a friend as well.. I slowly am getting over this.

[geoff]

hi ZG, you would think that if 2 people have sex continually that a feeling between the two of you would form, and that's what has happened with you, but not him, and whether he has another g/friend you don't know of but using you as someone just to have sex with and then leave, I would think that you certainly don't want that to happen to be be used only in this way.
You may have thought that he was a friend, but in his eyes it was an easy target and now he has eventually admitted to his situation, but please don't be used by him or anyone else in this way, you're a girl wanting to find love and companionship and with that a loving sexual attachment that comes when you love someone.
I'm sure he will find another girl so just drop him and have no relationship with him, he's user, and that's not what you intended it be, there must so many other guys that would just love to form a positive relationship with, someone who will bring you a flower every now and then or a box of chocolates, that's what you really want to happen. Geoff. x

[pipsy]

Hi Z.G. I understand you saying you didn't want anything more than a friendship, but you never actually even had that. If you'd had a friendship, it's possible by now he may have started seeing you in a different light. You did lose your self respect slightly, by allowing the situation to continue, through no fault of your own. I can't call it a relationship, because it wasn't one. It was a situation where you were being used and he wasn't contributing. You sound like a very nice person who simply met the wrong person. It's so sad when this happens, especially when we want a bit more than a casual friendship, when we start becoming physically attracted to someone.

Lynda

[zodiacgirl]

Thanks Geoff 🙂

I think part of the reason why I was so drawn to him was because of that - him not wanting anything more whatsoever. Any guy who does seem to want more with me I tend to get freaked out! any flowers or chocolates are a sure way to send me flying haha. But I think this whole thing has really been a good learning experience for myself that i have my own problems I need to work out first.

zodiacgirl

[Paul]

Hiya zodiacgirl,

It looks like the two ends of the circle have just joined. The response you posted to Geoff about being drawn to him because he was "unavailable emotionally" and being the first to run away seems to tell a similar story to his. Have a look at the first 8 words you wrote in your first post. Some of us just want a friend with benefits due to many reasons. Despite why, we've got needs and appetites - and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

It just happens in this case it seems you were both closed off emotionally to start with.

You said "Any guy who does seem to want more with me I tend to get freaked out!" What are some of the feelings that freak you out?

Paul

[geoff]

dear ZG, I was going to ask the question as what Paul has asked you, ' I have my own problems I need to work out first', which could relate to many other issues. Geoff. x

[zodiacgirl]

Hi Paul/geoff,
I stumbled upon this post and thought it explained the psychology behind the way i am a lot - (fearful-avoidant attachment - i put a link here but it wouldnt let me post it, so hope you can google or already know about it).

I'm not sure if this guy is also like this, I can't say. But I tend to keep even my most loved friends I've known for years still at arms length. Yet there are times where I will be very close to them, but not for a long period before I withdraw again. I grew up in an environment that was emotionally unstable for the first part of my life, and I can see how this affects my personal relationships, especially when it comes to trust. With this guy, I felt like my sense of security was never being threatened. if it's anyone else and they seem to want to come to close, no matter how much I like them or not, I will pull back out of a fear of my sense of security being threatened.
Right now I feel being aware of this and working on improving all my other relationships with others in my life is a good starting point. I'm not sure if this will always be a problem for me, but I'm glad im aware of it and will work on it. One last thing, after me and this guy got to know each other/what we did and being friendly, he didn't seem to want to form anything more and keep it strictly to that friends-only level. would this be out of fear of getting closer and not wanting to lead me on, or because he just didn't like me enough? Who knows, but I understand what you mean by if he's not looking for anything besides a FWB it has nothing to do with me, but he does seem like a smart and logical guy (and seems quite sensitive deep down), and just wondering if this was his way of not allowing himself to develop any emotional connection/feelings. I feel like that was the main issue that divided both our needs.

I'm not sure if i'm wrong or not, but from what i've observed of his life and personality for the time ive known him for, he doesnt seem to have many close emotional connections to anyone. After thinking of the whole situation with this weird issue (we both seem to have) in mind, a lot of things do make a lot of sense and I feel it really was nothing to do with my likeability at all.

ZG.