Depression and cheating

[JL1690]

Hi all,

It’s my first time on these forums and I guess I’m hoping to find advice from people who have been in similar situations.

My husband and I got married last November after being together for 6 years. Since he began working from home (maybe 18 months ago now) and as lockdown became stricter, I’d been noticing that he began to put distance between himself and his friends (for example, complaining that nobody cared about him then not picking up the phone when lifelong friends called), withdraw from activities that previously made hom happy, and become more and more clingy around me (to the point where it seemed I couldn’t do anything without him).

Our relationship has always been somewhat unconventional - not open exactly, but it did sometimes involve other people with a lot of talking and boundaries around that fact. Earlier this year he began speaking with someone else, and when that relationship began to break the boundaries of our agreement, I asked him to end it. We entered therapy and I was told he no longer had anything to do with her. Unfortunately, 2 months later I heard from the other woman, who informed me in great detail that there had been an affair going on the whole time. I confronted him, and he told me the reason she’d gotten in touch was that he’d ended it earlier that afternoon. I kicked him out of the house and we’ve been separated for nearly two months.

I know that mental illness doesn’t excuse cheating (and in the context of our relationship, we both consider it cheating). I’m also not sure how much of this may have been motivated by his deteriorating mental health - this has proved a catalyst for him to finally recognise he isn’t doing very well, and he has chosen to seek help now despite being adamant he wouldn’t in the past. I think there is enough there to try therapy again and see where it takes us.

Are there others out there who have experienced cheating concurrent with mental illness? What was your experience?

[Juliet_84]

Hi JL1690,

I’m glad you found my response helpful. Unfortunately some people on the internet are more interested in being self-righteous and lecturing people on how to do things and it seems polyamory forums are no different. I’m glad that there is a shift in your husband’s focus away from himself and how this has affected him, towards a greater understanding of the hurt that he has caused you. I think that some people have a tendency to rationalize their bad behaviors and can be in denial about the hurt that they have caused their partner and minimize their feelings. I think that it is easier to live with themselves that way rather than admit they have betrayed someone they love. But it can be incredibly hurtful to not have your pain and feelings recognized and also doesn’t make you feel confident that they have truly learned from the experience. I am in a similar position although the circumstances are different. It is increasingly apparent that my partner is an alcoholic, and he has moments of clarity where he admits that he “has a problem”. But then I lose him again and he denies he has an issue, that I’m the one with the problem etc and why should his drinking affect me in any way. Your sentiment really resonated with me that it’s going to be a long road but one you need to travel down a bit longer to figure out what to do. I think I am on that same road. Ultimately your husbands behaviour will decide whether you can put your trust/faith in him again.

[JL1690]

It's a few weeks down the track, and things seem a little less volatile. Discussions around what has happened make me think that he is very much remorseful, and we're seeing each other a couple of times a week. He had his first therapy session since everything blew up yesterday, and he hasn't spoken about it much beyond saying that he 'has a lot of issues'. I guess we just see how things pan out. The next few weeks are going to be rough with our wedding anniversary coming up, though.

[VV1991]

Good on you for throwing him out and keeping him out. I don’t have the balls or courage to do it or leave.

This has been an ongoing issue for me, my fiancée doesn’t physically cheat, he can’t because of COVID and he can’t travel to Asia where its easy. Thank god!! But emotionally cheats on me with girls from South East Asian countries. I honestly never knew of this until I went through his phone when he left it unlocked.I am not sure if these are people he met before on his travels or randoms from some dating app.

I can’t confront him about going through his phone because I’ve done it before early in the relationship and he lost his mind and threatened me if I did it again he would break up with me. So now I do it privately when the opportunity presents itself.

I am due to merry this asshole, I’ve put so much money and effort in this relationship that I just can’t walk away.

i honestly dunno what to do, should I stay and have a blind eye or leave him and start again?

im starting to believe all guys cheat and are assholes.

[geoff]

Hello W1991, and thank you for being frank and opening up to us and can feel the situation you're in.

If I can say I knew someone who had been living in a de facto relationship who eventually had a baby, who was doing exactly what you've told us, before COVID, and the excuses he gave his partner were at first believed until his partner found out what he was doing and ended their relationship.

He too was going overseas to Thailand to find people he could have an affair with, and once he came home he would bring someone home and house her, that's how he was caught out.

I can't tell you what to do, but can suggest that this won't end up the way you had hoped if you stay with him as there will be many questions you may want to ask him about his behaviour, secrets that will eventually become uncovered as well as financial issues.

I am really sorry this has been happening and if you want to ask any questions, please do so.

Geoff.

[Bearnap]

Hi JL1690,
I cannot believe the similarities between your story and my current situation. Together for 9 years, 4 years in i was contacted by someone on social media telling me she had slept with my boyfriend. He called her and asked her to stop calling, said he only sent her a picture, that she was crazy, then broke down and blamed it on attention and that he couldn't connect with me. I tried to end it there but he was remorseful and wanted the relationship to work. I stayed. Shortly after that time he asked me if i'd like to occasionally open up the relationship. I agreed because it sounded fun and it was fun, until we met someone who wanted a bit more from him. I found out he was talking to her online only because she stalked and harassed all of my friends on socials to eventually get our address and turn up at our house. He said he had been trying to get rid of her for months but she was making threats to him - the police had to escort her away. He wasnt ready for therapy. I asked that we see a counselor together which he agreed to until one day he felt humiliated that i had gone to see the counselor alone and was physical with me. That's when i realized i needed to take a step back and assess this whole relationship. It's also when he realised he didn't want to be that type of person and so he understood he needed help. He started reading about CBT and began implementing small changes which i noticed. He proposed and i said i can't marry someone who won't help themselves. I assumed he wouldn't want to get help, but he started therapy and has made some changes over the past month. Over the whole relationship his moods are probably what stands out the most, for example basic decision making around the home was difficult, i couldn't do certain mundane tasks without him having a fit because he didnt agree. I would have anxiety for days before i needed to have a conversation with him about something, fearing his outburst. Our communication deteriorated due to me bottling everything up until a few weeks ago i just let it all out. He's in therapy now and the change so far is amazing, but i'm shocked that we can have open and honest communication now where i feel safe and comfortable. I don't understand how depression can do this? We aren't together at the moment as we're on a break. He is 110% determined to make this relationship work and is doing everything he can to show me but i'm just not sure if i can trust this person.