Depressed partner with cheating behaviours, is it the depression

[Agirl]

Hi

I am hoping for some RE assurance here

my partner of 12mnths has recently confessed to texting girls (inappropriately)

i found texts on his phone last November , to which he said it meant nothing, it was silly banter with old friends. I said I didn’t like it and it needed to stop. He acknowledged this and we moved on.

In April this year he started facebook messaging me best friend, she contacted me straight away but given his past performance I asked her to persist. The messages again became inappropriate

when I confronted him about these messages, he said it wasn’t him, that a frenemy had logged into his account and done it to spite him.

the next day, being suspicious I went through his phone and found another conversation with another woman, when confronted he told me a friend from work uses his Facebook to have an affair with this woman

this was 3months ago, I have been suspicious, but he kept denying it was him.

finally this week he confessed that both conversations were from him. He can’t tell me why he did it, he barely remembers doing it. He only wants me, no one else.

he says he sometimes feels a haze come over him where he can’t control emotions or feelings, that he does something without realising and only later realised how wrong it is

his mother passed away tragically when he was in a car accident when he was 12, he was in the car with her and she died at the scene. This has obviously contributed to how he is now at 30. He has said he wants to get help, see a therapist.

he believes the lying and texting is to do with his mother passing and him feeling so alone for so much of his life.

i can see how this could happen, I’m just not sure how he will be able to resist texting other girls, why he does it at all and especially with my best friend.

I feel if he loves me like he says he wouldn’t do this, even if he does need some sort of mental help. Having depression doesn’t make you text other girls does it?

at the same time his mental state of mind when he texted my best friend, must not have been good, of course she was going to tell me. This makes me think there is merit to his story. He sometime doesn’t have control and when he sees someone about it, he will be better?

i hope I make sense!

thank you for any responses

[Sunshine_Mountain]

Hi All,

I'm 7 years into this now...it hasn’t stopped. 4 weeks ago I found out he had reached out and now slept with someone, this was after 4 other occasions of me catching him texting or websites where he was soliciting women. I’ve met this ex-colleague of his, my kids and friends have met her. Each time it’s become more and more personal. It started with random websites, then, women he worked with, then women he worked with that we’ve met - that’s the one I can prove he slept with. He told her we were separated getting a divorce - news to me I thought we were happily married and he had grown up! We have been married 5 years, moved three countries and have two beautiful boys.

I want so much to believe he is ‘sick’ and I want so much for him to heal. After couples therapy, his own therapy, my own therapy (for thinking it was me!), he still continues. He has had a tough, not bad (father in the military, Mom cheating) childhood, so I think there are definitely issues. I’ve been lead to believe a therapy called EDMR could help? I so want my ‘husband’ to be happy in this world. And I suppose a part of me wants him to acknowledge what he has done, accept it and for us to live happily ever after - my fairytale! I think deep down I know this will never be the case and I need to move on and be strong, but I am so torn!

😞

[Trevsorrow]

He is sick, I did the same to my wife.
I wasn't even aware that I was doing it until I had been medicated but it was too late by then my wife of 8 years left right as the medication started working. It's not depression and it's not anxiety that cause it but the medication I am taking is for those two things, once they kicked in I could see what I was doing and I never wanted to be that person.
Get him help he needs mental professionals, stand with him and give him the chance I wish I could of had.

[Vanay]

Hi Chicquita:)

Your words on this forum really stuck with me, I hope that this reply finds you well. I am just now going through a very similar situation to what you went through and am wondering if there's a light at the end of the tunnel, where you and your partner are now happy or if you have closed that door with him and you are happy. He has really hurt me by cheating virtually with other random women, but I know he is also deeply sad a depressed, yet refuses to take responsibility. I love him and care for him so much but hate what he did. I have asked for a break for him to work and better himself before he can be with me, might force him to take responsibility. But I feel like its hurting even more knowing that he hasn't got a friend to support him in going to get help. I'm wondering if it's worth separating the emotional cheating from the depression and just be there for him as a friend to help him get out of a really dark place. Or would that be toxic and it would help him more if i said goodbye forever.

[Ruthdekock]

I have used extra help to spy on my husband’s phone and email for some months and I have enough evidence now. Should I confront him or should I just get divorce? Do you think the court will be ok with the source of my information?

[geoff]

Hello Ruthdekock, if you have found proof that your husband has been doing what he shouldn't be doing, then it's up to you, and whether or not you want to confront him and if you feel you are going to be safe, which is most important for you.

If your marriage has been in disharmony for what other reasons may be possible, then you need to be careful, however, if you want to divorce him, then there are other decisions you need to make, so please, if you can get back to us so e can talk about this.

Take care.

Geoff.

[Juliet_84]

Hi Ruth,

I think if your trust has disintegrated to the point that you are spying on him and he is talking to other people then it is quite unhealthy. Whether you confront him or leave is up to you, but I suppose it depends on what you want to achieve out of it. Do you want to provide him with an opportunity to explain? Is there anything that could really make it better? If you have been feeling like you cannot trust him for some time then usually the healthiest thing to do is leave. The court doesn’t really get involved in the source of the information as we have no-fault divorce in Australia meaning that you don’t need to provide a reason to divorce, it can’t be used against him or you etc and it won’t factor into any of the proceedings.